10 Things The UK Decommissioning Sector Should Do!

Interview with AI Generated Musk & Ramaswamy on UK Decommissioning

Elon, as is his wont, started not with a greeting but a statement. “The problem,” he said, eyes alight with messianic fervour, “is entropy. Decommissioning is entropy made manifest. You’re dismantling the work of decades, burning through billions, and at the end, what do you have? A clean seabed? That’s not a product. It’s not even a service. It’s a void.”

“And voids,” Vivek interjected smoothly, “have no ROI. Which is why government handles them so poorly.” He leaned forward, his hands a steeple of calculated confidence. “But Elon and I—we’re here to do what the British government can’t. To solve the unsolvable. To optimise the unoptimisable.”

Step 1: Data, Data, Data

“You start,” Elon said, “by knowing more than anyone else. The UK decommissioning sector operates in the dark ages of information. You’ve got operators hoarding data like it’s the crown jewels. What you need is a centralised, AI-powered platform. One that maps every well, every rig, every bolt.”

Vivek nodded. “A Palantir for oilfields. Something that not only shows you what exists but models scenarios: costs, timelines, risks. You’d be able to predict where to allocate resources before the rust even sets in.”

“We’d call it…” Elon paused, clearly trying not to say X-Oil, “DecomOS. Open-source intelligence for the entire industry.”

Step 2: Incentivise Collaboration

“The thing about the British,” Vivek said, leaning back now, a faint smirk curling his lips, “is you love your silos. Operators won’t share rigs. They won’t share crews. They won’t even share tea, for God’s sake. So you end up with everyone doing bespoke projects at bespoke prices. It’s madness.”

Elon’s fingers drummed against the table, his impatience palpable. “You fix that with incentives. Tax credits for joint campaigns. Discounts on licensing fees for operators who pool resources. You make collaboration the default, not the exception.”

“And,” Vivek added, “you penalise deferral. Operators keep kicking the can down the road, hoping costs will magically decrease. Spoiler: they won’t. Deferred decommissioning inflates costs for everyone. Deadlines need teeth.”

Step 3: Embrace Automation

“Manual labour is a bug, not a feature,” Elon declared, his voice rising. “You’re sending divers down to dismantle infrastructure built by hand 40 years ago. Why? We have drones that can inspect pipelines, robots that can weld, algorithms that can manage it all.”

“The offshore industry is ripe for disruption,” Vivek agreed. “The same AI that’s revolutionising manufacturing should be applied here. Think about it: autonomous vessels towing rigs, automated plug-and-abandonment systems. The technology exists; it just needs to be scaled.”

“And financed,” I interjected. “Who pays for this leap forward?”

“The operators,” they said in unison.

Step 4: Fix the Workforce

Here, Vivek’s tone softened, becoming almost paternal. “The industry is bleeding talent. Young engineers don’t want to join a sector they perceive as terminal. But decommissioning isn’t just about tearing things down; it’s about creating something new. Circular economies. Repurposed assets.”

“The workforce problem is solvable,” Elon said, more pragmatic. “You gamify it. Offer shares in the projects they work on. Make every decommissioning campaign a startup. Engineers don’t just want salaries; they want stakes.”

Step 5: Make It Global

“The UK has a chance to export its expertise,” Vivek said. “The Gulf of Mexico, South Asia, even Australia. If you standardise processes and scale innovation here, you can sell it everywhere.”

Elon grinned. “You make the UK the Tesla of decommissioning.”

Step 6: Create Circular Economies

This is where the conversation took an unexpected turn. “Why are we dismantling everything?” Elon asked, his tone genuinely puzzled. “Some of these platforms are structurally sound. Turn them into offshore wind hubs. Use the pipelines for carbon capture. Why waste billions returning the seabed to its ‘natural state’ when you can repurpose it for the energy transition?”

“You change the narrative,” Vivek said. “Decommissioning isn’t waste management; it’s asset transformation. You reframe it, and suddenly it’s sexy.”

Step 7: Stabilise Policy

“None of this works without government cooperation,” Vivek admitted. “The Energy Profits Levy? Fine. But make it consistent. Operators can’t plan multi-decade decommissioning projects when the tax regime changes every six months.”

“Governments are bad at consistency,” Elon said flatly. “You need a regulatory framework that’s agnostic to political cycles. Something akin to the FAA for decommissioning.”

Step 8: Bundle Projects

“Every operator is trying to reinvent the wheel,” Vivek said. “Instead, you bundle similar projects—a dozen wells here, a handful of platforms there. You tender them out as single contracts. Economies of scale kick in, and everyone wins.”

Step 9: Penalise Inefficiency

“Naming and shaming underperformers isn’t enough,” Elon said. “You need real penalties for inefficiency. Miss your deadlines? Pay a surcharge. Fail to share data? Lose your licence.”

“Harsh but fair,” Vivek agreed. “Efficiency isn’t optional. It’s existential.”

Step 10: Think Beyond Decommissioning

“The real value here,” Elon concluded, “isn’t in dismantling platforms. It’s in what comes next. Whether that’s wind farms, hydrogen hubs, or something we haven’t even imagined yet. Decommissioning is the gateway drug to the future of energy.”

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