10-step guide to getting back together

I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

I AM LEAVING YOU… Should never be your 1st go to...

However if it was? Let’s get back on track.

Of course at all times in life, you get to make all your decisions & take all your actions and without doubt those decisions and those actions will give you all your RESULTS.

When making BIG decisions it just may help to "Talk it out"

10-step guide to successfully getting back together

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The decision to get back with your spouse, the mum or dad to your children should be a

priority.?Your relationship ended for a reason, it is your responsibility to work through those

reasons.

Learning to build a healthier relationship will take work, families take work.??

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created

them.” Albert Einstein

Many couples who have called it quits end up getting back together. In fact studies tell us

50% do…

Note: Personally my husband and I were one of these couples. Our three children were

3yrs old, 4yrs old, and 8yrs old at the time. We were separated for 12 mths and it was

12mths that solved nothing at all.

(I wish I knew then what I know now) We live life forward and understand it backwards

RIGHT? What 38yrs of marriage can teach us

If you and your ex want to give your relationship another shot, know that you're going to

have to put in extra effort and take new steps to try to make it work this time.

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1. Acknowledgment and Therapy

When getting back together, it's important to be able to talk about the past, even though this

can be difficult and painful.?

There is a temptation to sweep it under the rug, move on, and not talk about it. When this

happens, past hurts tend to fester and surface again in the relationship. I strongly recommend

you get into couples therapy and commit to the process. Your relationship did not fail

overnight, you will not reconnect overnight either. Most couples after a break up are in

Therapy for a minimum of 12 weeks.

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Discussing past hurt, having these hard conversations can help foster a closer connection and

improve your ability to communicate and work through rough topics.

“We need to stay away from the right wrong conversations” When relationships fail you are

in it together” Being RIGHT is overrated!

2. Perspective- The His and Her lens

In relationships, especially post breakup, it'sdipacw important to make space for both perspectives.

This means that you need to step away from the lens you look through and take a look

through the lens being presented to you through conversation with your partner. A Couples

Therapist will ask the tough questions and will provide a “safe talking space” to “Talk it out”

and through to the other side

3. “Talk it out” “What has separation been like for you?”

Painful or Learning experience for you? How has this time apart impacted your children?

?Consider what you can change going forward. Talk through with your Therapist ways to earn back trust from your Children.

·????How did this separation change you?

·????What did you learn about yourself?

·????What did you handle poorly in the relationship??

·????What would you do differently from here?

·????Where do you need to take responsibility?

4. Time together is key

Spending quality time together when you have children is hard. You will both have to

actively work to change old patterns to make sure that getting back together goes smoothly

and that you end up in a healthy partnership.?

“My Husband always says “Love will last if you let it” from a song by Russell Morris

Plan:

·????Plan to interact differently?

·????Plan healthier conversations?

·????Plan for not falling back into your old habits and poor behaviours?

·????Plan your new boundaries

·????Plan work/leisure/sleep time??

·????Plan for your new respectful time keeping schedule ? Eg: Going to the Gym at

“witching hour” is not respectful to your partner or family and will build resentment over

time.

5. Get curious NOT Critical

Whilst introspection is very important, it is equally important to get curious, not critical when

listening to your partners side of the story. Take intentional steps to understand their hurt and

held resentment. Eg: Ask “help me understand” & “Who do I need to be for you and the

family”

Note: We all grew up differently and we will bring a certain level of learned bias with us into

relationships.

There is much to learn “what works” & what doesn’t work” over a life time together moving

forward AS a “Family” “Be” curious ask more questions resist the telling.

6. We only have TIME & SPACE

Resist letting “Busy” get in the way of “loving”

In any relationship, quality time together is important, but it is even more so after getting

back together while rebuilding the relationship. Commit to learning more about each other,

you may think you know everything about each other BUT what I have learned over my

38yrs of marriage; is my husband and I never stop surprising one another. We continue to be

curious about one another.

Look to the future…Set Goals “you cannot hit a target you can not see”

The other side..

My husband and I have raised our children into three beautiful, tenaciously strong, loving,

nurturing women. We have gone “Through” this chapter, this part of our life journey, and we

have contributed to the next generation. Along the way we loved & we lost but we did it

“TOGETHER” we chose true commitment.

We are now back to being “DINKS” Double income no kids! With some wisdom and

committed to being authentic humans, role models and helping others to rise above adversity.

You see we all need clearly defined roles and responsibilities or we are like a ship without a

rudder in a relationship of any kind.

Your Family should be your top priority…If you are struggling to find your place your role as

a lover to your partner, as a parent or career person.?Take time to talk with a Therapist or

seek good wise counsel, people who have succeeded on the path you are yet to walk down.

The only thing you have is Time and Space, use it wisely and have “Direction”

How do you spend quality time??Binge watching TV is not quality.??

Eg: In companies we don’t take teams to the movies to bond, we get them interacting with

each other.

Actively creating time to deeply connect lets your partner know that they are a priority to

you, and so is the relationship.?

Tip: Put the phone away this time round perhaps?

7. Who do I need to “BE” for you?

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Life has a way of bringing us new learning levels, over time we morph into new versions of

ourselves. “New Level/ New Devil” We need to develop, evolve become better humans.

When you first met your partner, you may have lived on YOUR schedule, your time, your

money, your friends, your habits, your behaviours, with little responsibility or accountability

AND your partner was ok with that THEN ...Now things have changed… So we also need to

change a few things …we cannot stay sweet 16 forever :)

Asking your partner “who I need to be for you?” is a powerful question… You will be

hearing a lot about your partner’s needs and wants if you really listen. Strive for a quality

relationship with each other and with your children. Ask more quality questions for better

insight.

This time around focus on being a Giver Not a Taker … Fill up each other’s love and

connection cup.

8. Ouch! What about Disclosure?

Healthy relationships are built on honesty and communication.?

Even though it may be hard or uncomfortable, you should share anything that your partner

might need to know that occurred during your break-up. People say they like surprises BUT

the truth is they only like the surprises they are expecting or cued in on.

If there were other people involved in your life whilst you were apart, this should be

disclosed as far as what part they played in your life.

Resist any unwanted pop ups later down the track

Note: Talking about sexual acts performed and wanting detail is unhelpful, you were

separated at the time.

HOWEVER: Additionally, if you've hooked up with other people, you should get STI testing

done before being intimate with your partner to practice safer sex.?“It want happen to me”

approach to health is never a good mindset

9. How will our Children ever trust us again?

Trust is earned, time will heal all wounds, if they are not continually being ripped open.

Create boundaries for communication in your relationship, there will be times when you will

be having ADULT conversations keep them as adult conversations.??

CHILDREN have not had the time in life and the experiences in life that you have had, thus

far.

If they hear you yelling, they can feel emotionally unsafe or physically unsafe. Children loose

trust when parents are being “Unpredictable”

Your children are great “Intakers” of information and poor “Interpreters” of information

THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND your ADULT world.

Don’t let your screw ups affect them in the future... I specialise in Childhood Trauma in

Adults it affects our relationships. Don't let Trauma be apart of your children's childhood.

Your children are wanting strong, happy, loving, safe nurturing parents. “BE” this for them

and their trust in you will return over time.

Allow your children to see you as the leaders of your family, building strong, loving and

nurturing bonds/connections with each other.

Note: They are watching you!

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10. Plan “B”

There is no plan “B” when we talk about commitment

Synonyms- oath- contract-deal-decisions-guarantee-assurance-affirmation- pledge-covenant

I know I sound tough when I say there should not be a plan “B” but we are talking about

“Getting back together” We need to recommit to “Being” and “Doing” better. This means

getting serious about the life you want to life and the family you want to grow.

So let’s not talk about going backwards, that not the direction we are moving in…Forward

motion only.

NOTES:

Separation should not be your first “Go To” when you are a leader of a family. If you have

committed to a relationship with your partner and you have brought children into this

world. You committed to your children that you will give them a safe nurturing loving

“Childhood” a “Family”

If you choose you…you do not choose them…

NB: I am not talking about getting back into a relationship where there is Domestic Violence

everyone needs to be and feel safe.

Darleen Barton | Amazon NO 1 Best Selling Author

Practitioner

https://www.dipac.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/DIPAC-Corporate-Brochure-

2022.pdf?

Address Servcorp offices- Level 1 The Realm, 18 National Circuit, Barton ACT 2600

Phone?0261983423

Email: [email protected]

Website www.dipac.com.au?

Mediator Nationally Accredited | NMAS | AIFLAM | AMA|?

Facilitator Family Group Conferencing

Counsellor/ Therapist / Positive Psychology- Nationally Accredited |ACA|IICT

Executive coach Nationally Accredited |ICF

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If at any time you, a family member or friend feels overwhelmed to the point they feel they

need help call immediately 000 OR 131114

There is always a way through your current thoughts.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support