10 Simple Changes that Improved my Wellbeing (or The Working Worrier’s Self-Care Guide)
Hi there, how’s your day going? If you’re reading this, you are, in all probability, a working member of a capitalist society facing a pandemic.
You know the drill. Extended hours at work, fear of illness, isolation, overwhelm, and either too much space or a complete lack of it can take a toll. This situation is the perfect stress test.?
For many of us thinking types (we’ll call ourselves “worriers” to expand the audience appeal), it’s not that different from before Covid hijacked everything. Worriers, let’s be honest. You felt challenged, preoccupied, scattered, and confused before the pandemic, too, didn’t you? Did it go away? No? Okay. So let’s talk about that.
Often, when we feel hurt, embarrassed, judged, or scared by the prospect of being any of those things, it is simple to place the blame elsewhere. Of course, we’re just shifting the pain, but this act of relief is destructive. When you move the responsibility elsewhere, you surrender control and feel helpless.?
Helplessness is insidious because it starts as a relief before morphing into a rut on course for ambient cynicism. Biting off morsels of motivation at every opportunity, it feeds on our need to avoid discomfort, guaranteeing distress. How can we overcome this? It’s a process, but you start by tolerating uncomfortable sensations. Note that I didn’t say feelings. Your inner critic will shout you down. The first time you ask for something you want, it will shout you down. It’ll tell you that you have no business asking for anything. Listen to it and recognise it has value, but you still need to act. The action begins with acknowledging that our circumstances are real - subject to change - but still real.?
One of those realities is that, at least collectively, consumption, growth, and revenue often outweigh compassion and individuality in our world. We are constantly dealing with the balance between knowing this reality and worrying about it. It’s no small feat to thrive in an environment at odds with your identity.?
Maybe that’s why people are speaking up about experiences of anxiety. I think some conversations, however, tend to infantilise worriers, focusing on the need for space and care over competition or ambition. I have a different view.
Worriers can win. It’s that simple. While not the popular idea of winning that worries us sick, we can have a more intentional victory - a sense of wellbeing through a self-care system carefully created to accommodate our quirks, edges, nooks, and crannies. Over the last five years, I have experienced:
These events overlap, and I’ve danced around headlessly in the abyss plenty of times, but I’m still here. On the contrary, as my self-care efforts compounded, they may have even felt constructive, like each experience was another rep in a set, a way to feel more without falling apart.?
About six months ago, I published this post on LinkedIn and made an offer to expand the points in it if anyone was interested. It's taken me longer than the week I said it would, but we're here now.
This article is not a short read, but it will be worth your time, even if to understand how another wandering worrier navigates life. So either read it slowly or come back to it later.?
That said, if you have up to 25 uninterrupted minutes and want a break from the thought deluge soaking your mind, then sit back, brace your core, take a deep breath, and soften your focus. It’s showtime.?
1. Set better boundaries.
Can you remember a day where you’ve been unexpectedly busy, swamped with things that come up (the urgent) that you don’t get through the tasks you had planned (the important)? What about the sinking feeling when you realise you’ve been pouring hours into work without getting much done??
It’s easy to get swept up in distraction and allow life to drag us along. No one is at fault. We just need some boundaries. We’re used to someone else setting boundaries for us - parents, school, workplaces. When we need to develop our own, however, it becomes trickier. Asking for what you want could trigger fears of being sidelined or, worse, ostracised. If your workplace expects immediate responses, that fear can intensify. How do you expect to build or achieve anything of value if you’re constantly on the move, switching from one thing to another? You just can’t. You need to create space, and boundaries help (I wrote a detailed piece on how boundaries can help professionals avoid burnout here ). The problem is not with setting boundaries but knowing them.?
Would you say you know and understand the preferences, triggers, issues, schedules, and histories of all the people around you? No, of course not. Then why do we expect people to know ours without making them explicit? Do you know your boundaries? A journaling or meditation practice can help you become more aware of your triggers and stress points, but in the meantime, the notes below might help.
Be clear about what you can deliver. Don’t set standards you can’t sustain. Place consistency over perfection. You will get better. It’s inevitable.?
Ask for what you need to get ahead and add value. Getting it is not in your control, but you can only do your part. So recognise what you can help, make peace with what you can’t, and slow down.?
“Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.” You don’t need to do fifteen things at the same time or even attempt that absurd idea. The mind can and will, but you don’t need to follow. Instead, execute each task to the best of your ability and focus on doing it right to the point of effectiveness. Setting boundaries includes being clear about your behaviour too. Decide what actions you will stop, nurture, or tolerate, and reflect upon deviating from the list. A bit of structure can go a long way in settling those nerves and putting us in the right state of mind to perform.??
Also, make it a habit to notice what boundaries other people set and find ways to protect them. Setting boundaries is not a single-player sport. We’re in this system together, and it takes a joint effort to build understanding and coordination.
The world is not one right way or wrong way. It’s eight billion ways of oddness floating on a tiny sphere across stark meaninglessness (at least for our comprehension right now). So, what makes us think every human has an instinct for our preferences? Odd expectation, isn't it?
However, since we’re in that dataset of eight billion, we have as much influence as we don’t, maybe even a smidge more. So, define your boundaries, set them, test their effectiveness, and stand by them until you see the need or desire to revisit your thinking. I’ve been surprised by what people will accommodate when you’re transparent. You don’t need to push back or talk truth to power. Just communicate.
2. Know how much you’re worth and also how much you need. You don’t need 30% in every appraisal. No one does.
Again, because of our system and conditioning, money is often the metric we use for value. Nearly everyone wants more money. I can’t imagine just as many people know why. The problem with any infinite resource is that it presents a timeline that we finite beings can’t understand. There’s a reason that night out on the town is more appealing than a 15-year investment. However, with money, we experience a formidable cocktail of hope, desire, nervousness, validation, and insecurity. There’s just so much riding on it, isn’t there?
Presented with a never-ending stream of success, our view of life can become quite binary - you’re exceptional, or you’re a failure. However, this perspective is a construct.?
“Why do you have this need to be exceptional?”
“What’s the point otherwise? The world doesn’t need more ordinary people.”
“The world didn’t say that. You said that.”
Whether you’re a business owner, employee, or independent professional, the reality is that we’re traders. We trade value for our needs or a route to our needs. This equation has two parts - what you can offer and what you need. Notice how this trade is a single-player game because the focus is on your definition. Yes, understand a problem and evaluate its market appetite, but that comprehension won’t change what you can do instantly. You’re asking for money now, so why would you trade on future value? Consider what you need for a fulfilling life (do the actual math) and then work out where you can deliver value for money. Vague needs will increase the subjectivity of your desired income and leave you with even lesser leverage than we have in negotiations where there is an imbalance of power.?
Take control of your development and know that you don’t need a massive hike every year unless you have a spike in expenses. Also, do yourself a favour and find a way not to spend all you make. I did that for five years, which left me tethered to my distress. Three years of slightly better behaviour didn’t leave me flush for cash, but it created room for thinking. A simple tweak is to move your framework from income - expenses = savings to income - savings = expenses. Have a savings target, meet it every month, and increase it by 10% every year. The math is rudimentary, and I’m no financial expert (or advisor), but this method is what I used when I started a saving habit. Speaking of structuring intangible assets, we should talk about ability - what skill set are you using to make money??
As knowledge workers, our jobs often have core responsibilities and then a host of required attributes that aren’t measurable - loyalty, sycophancy, subservience, availability, self-promotion, humility, politicking, and other ideas that may or may not sit well with you. In my experience, aligning the environment and my work with my values has helped me sleep better, even if the occasional task can feel laborious. Integrity is essential to me, which ruled out several options in the communication sector. Still, I took that hit because it meant I was at peace. Before working out how much you want to make, decide who you are and what will keep you at ease. Your future self will thank you for the clarity.?
Once we define your needs, evaluate your ability, research the income it can generate, and figure out how to develop and monetise new skills, our world offers ways to make progress. The results won’t be instant, but your life plan won’t be a lottery either. Worriers handle uncertainty best when they’re operating from a stable base.???
3. Check if you sleep, eat, and exercise in a way that benefits your health. If you confuse the feeling, you confuse the blame. Take responsibility.
Our minds are infinite, but our bodies aren’t. You can’t think your way out of biology. While the mind-body-soul paradigm is a helpful heuristic for holistic development, these components work together, even if some situations require isolated fixes. The bottom line is that you cannot ignore your body and expect to walk away feeling fantastic. Here are a few questions:
Now, all of us are different, and it’s possible that one or more of these questions doesn’t apply to you, but at least two will. And each of them offers disproportionate returns on effort. So prioritise exercise and your physical health just like you would food, leisure, personal development or, dare I say it, work. Our lives can be uncomfortable at the best of times, but they’re a lot better when our bodies feel nurtured.?
4. Go easy on the impact, difference, and transformation spiel. Your company seeks to make money, and you’re part of the plan. So smell the coffee and get on with it.
Yes, I get it. We all want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. As human beings, we already are. Incredible things can happen when we do things together. Organisations today have so much more of an incentive to be responsible, innovative, effective, and creative. Many are. Others aren’t. All of them need money, power, or impact. Not every definition will agree with you. And that’s okay.?
Money is a reality of life. There were alternatives, and most have failed. Even the new wave of decentralised finance targets the model of power that fiat uses, not the idea of money itself. In an organisation, you’re paid for generating revenue or helping the people that create revenue. That simple distinction decides which departments are support functions and revenue drivers. Common sense has it that revenue drivers earn a bigger slice of the pie, but it’s not that simple. It’s also about whose revenue you drive and how.
Suppose you’re a manager in a midsize firm making below average revenues in a low margin market. How do you expect the success math to add up? Or, if you’re a support function with no equity in a top-heavy startup, what’s keeping you there? Figure out how your company makes money and your role in helping them keep or increase revenue. Know the wheel before being the cog, and you’ll figure out when it’s your turn to spin.
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I’m sure there are other ways, and I back you to find them. But, in the meantime, prioritise understanding how organisations run and how they generate income.?
5. Focus on being useful and kind. Anything that impedes that is lowering your quality of life.
Why are we insecure? If you were a carpenter who built the desk your client needed, your work is done. You’ve completed a task. There is a tangible product to trade, and it’s a clean exchange. Also, there is irrefutable evidence of your skill.
It’s not that obvious with knowledge work, and for worriers, this sweet little trap can be torturous.?
When we are filled with uncertainty, any ounce of validation is gold. Given the different interests of all those who can validate us, a thirst for reinforcement can dilute any sense of individual identity. Inevitably, this emptiness will seep into your personal life. We use all these divisions - private life and professional life - but it’s just life to me. I might be different in a social setting, but that’s a question of appropriateness, not work or personal life. I’m never going to guffaw at a funeral, nor am I going to swear at home because I back myself to respond to a context with intelligence and compassion. Why is work different?
Because other factors can kick in - likability, hierarchies, other people’s desires and insecurities, gossip, or alliances. As a worrier, all the surrounding elements at work need you to link your wellbeing and centeredness to someone else’s whim, but there is a way out. Asking if something was useful or kind helped me transition from being a prickly manager at the start of my career to figuring out how to mentor people effectively (and treat myself with a hint of concern). I define useful as anything that moves the status quo forward, helps achieve a defined aim, mitigates a risk, or reduces friction. If you know you’re useful, that’s half the insecurity battle won. To find out whether you are, ask. Ask your boss what you’d need to have done for them to call the next six months a resounding success. Ask your team what they think you can do to help their performance. Ask your peers what they’d miss if they weren’t working with you. It’s scary. It’s rewarding. Do it. Then there’s the question of kindness.
Kindness feels soft, almost like a defeatist attitude to the win at any cost approach glorified across portrayals of boardrooms and sports arenas. I don’t see the need to make a case for kindness (if you need me to, please leave a comment), but I can’t stress enough how much being kinder has helped my headspace. I’m gentler in my self-talk, more productive, accommodating of people, and lighter. It’s important here to understand that being kind doesn’t mean making people happy all the time. Offering honest feedback is an act of kindness, but it might not always feel that way to the receiver.?
6. Nothing matters more than your health, not even your ambition.
Irrespective of your view on fitness or understanding of science, sitting all the time will ruin your health. From 29 to 31, I had severe lower back pain that saw me bedridden a few times. For the next three years, I seesawed from hospital room to physio bed, finding shortcuts for comfort before deciding I’d had enough. Spine surgeons told me I could not play any more sport. One even said that walking might be a challenge.?
Then, in November 2019, I had a fall that saw me in bed for four days, unable to even turn on my side. I started training and eating better later that year, went off all my fixes for 100 days (scroll down the page for a 100-day vlog), and signed up with a trainer in October 2020. Now, I am the strongest I have ever been and can deadlift well over 100 kilos without discomfort.?
For the last three years, in contrast to my previous life of multitasking, firefighting generalist operating at lightning speed in several areas, I’ve doubled down on building a deep skillset in writing while concentrating on my mental and physical health. My income hasn’t taken the geometric growth path of my peers, but I’ve played my odds for a lighter hospital bill than the one I would’ve had (or already had!).?
Also, even if you make money with your mind, your body is doing a lot of work. Your fingers are typing, and your eyes see while your core, back, shoulders, and legs prop you up. The right water level in your body will improve cognitive function, and good nutrition can elevate your performance beyond obedience.?
Our attitudinal or mental concerns can often have roots in physical and dietary needs. For example, I spent two years thinking I had an anger issue in my early twenties. Then, I went a month without coffee and realised that caffeine exaggerated my irritability.
You don’t need to follow any hacks or comply blindly with generic fitness advice. As soon as you hit your wellness savings target (make an account for your wellness, friend; you are the product, so take care of it), speak with a nutritionist, a physical therapist, and a personal trainer. If you can afford it now, don’t wait.
7. It’s against the company’s interest to work in your interest unless everyone has the same interests. It’s not rocket science.
It’s okay to sign up for a job for money, meaning, masochism, or whatever reason you have (as long as it starts with an ‘m’). However, it’s not okay to expect a company to cater to every person’s unique whims and fancies. For that to work for you, everyone else would need to have the same preferences as you, or the company would need to have the capacity to care for every single person’s interests. The idea that it would find time to do both this and its primary mission is a bit fanciful.?
Today, companies care more about their employees’ welfare and run significant risks if they don’t, but that’s not the sole focus. There is an element of compromise involved. You can control the nature and extent of it. To make things easier, though, try working with a company or group of people that share your values. What you want changes faster than who you are, and aligning your environment with the latter might work better for you.
I took the independent consulting route when I figured that I didn’t want to hold company roles in setups that compromised quality for efficiency and revenue. I believe that work needs to be intentional, measurable, and meaningful. It’s not better or worse. It’s just who I am and how I want to live.?
When I approach a business discussion, I think about designing an arrangement that benefits everyone. Of course, it doesn’t always turn out that way, but that doesn’t excuse the effort. As a worrier, work out what your interests are before looking for ways to have them met.?
As I’ve said earlier in this post, the more ownership you have, the more centred you’ll feel, irrespective of your immediate circumstances.?
8. You’re never going to ‘arrive’. Life is a problem-solving exercise, and that is often a struggle. Pick what makes you struggle, and then struggle well .
“I’ll rest when this is done.”
I’ve said that to myself so many times, only to look back six months later and find that there’s always something else to do. We are problem-solving creatures, and life is a problem-solving exercise. All you can do is plug away and find newer and more challenging problems to solve.?
We all take on particular struggles (like this post, both for the writer and reader) with no obvious incentive, but they feel right. What are the efforts you enjoy? Helping people find purpose? Do you like coming up with ideas, making plans, or being creative? What is your approach to these problems? Are you more of a planner, dreamer, doer, or motivator? Whatever it might be, spend time figuring it out through observation and experience.?
I always thought that having enough money not to go broke would take away my financial stresses. Or that being pain-free would eliminate my health concerns. Or that having a support system would alleviate my existential distress. All of these things did happen to an extent, but not in the way I expected.?
Now I think about my creative output, professional direction, financial growth, and physical prowess. I also consider making meaning and building something sustainable that helps people. These matters preoccupy me just as much as the other issues at the start of my career.?
We’re always going to have something that needs to be done. See if you can decide the postcode your priorities live in, even if you can’t always pick the exact location.
9. Work towards autonomy. Life is rarely livable when a disorganised person can influence your schedule.
Time is all we have. And when you’re already battling a thousand distractions, the last thing you need is several other people bringing their focus wars to your doorstep. Qualify every meeting, conversation, and interruption that you can. If it’s not worth your time, don’t do it.?
Autonomy is not just for independent professionals, and it doesn’t have to be radical. Something as simple as people knowing when you are available to speak and when you are not can offer you a semblance of control. For people who worry themselves sick about the outcomes of work, transparency about deadlines and expectations can be a godsend. Be upfront about your need for clarity and look for environments that don’t make you feel ashamed for what you want.?
That’s not to say that there won’t be the occasional delay. Yes, that’s only natural if people do what they can to avoid them. As a worrier, you want to control everything that you can, so set some rules for engagement in environments you haven’t created, and be very clear about what is acceptable in those you do.?
Be transparent about your reasons and learn from those around you. If you find colleagues struggling with overwhelm, share what you know to help them be more organised as well. Chaos is all around us, making structure even more valuable .
10. If something wouldn’t matter if you knew you were dying soon, it shouldn’t matter now.
“Live as if this is your second chance and you’ve already made your mistakes the first time. ” - Viktor Frankl
This line from Man’s Search for Meaning gave me a filter for people, activities, work, and even food. You can’t think yourself into being less anxious, but you can develop your perspective on what anxiety means. Our evolution hasn’t kept pace with our innovation. That’s why a deadline can trigger the same physical responses in us that a sabre-toothed tiger might have in our ancestors. This comparison isn’t to trivialise but to contextualise the worry we face.?
Our relationship with achievement and validation determines the nature and intensity of our worry. Most things, however, don’t matter as much or as little as we think we do. They are. And we make symbols, stories, and metaphors out of them. Think about the news, for instance. It is in the business of making everything your problem all the time, and it does that in an echo chamber, feeding you more of what riles you up instead of the things that matter.?
Fear, greed, and gossip are the primitive mechanisms that the news taps into to hijack your nervous system, which it can then monetise through sales of advertising inventory that advertisers can then use to sell you stuff that the people you buy stuff from can use to sell you more stuff, and then you worry about all the crap you’ve purchased and use the news to numb your fear. Does that sound rough? Good. Because it is.?
Now, snapping out of this cycle isn’t straightforward, nor is it complicated. There’s some inertia to get through. The first step is to stop reading the news . Second, stop tracking every social media trend and development. Third, review your day and divide activities into actions and distractions. The results could be surprising. Fourth, have a personality that decides what matters and what doesn’t. Remember, if you think everything matters, then you never will.
The world is an uncertain place and it will stay that way. Building space for inner stability allows us to tackle this change with a sense of agency. Thankfully, we are resilient, imaginative, adaptable, and capable of amazing things. Start small. Keep going. Look back occasionally and know rumination is an indulgence. My guess is you'll go further than you think, and much farther than your worry would have you believe.
Stay safe. Be kind. Stay inspired.?
Note: I’ve learned a lot through conversations and reading. I started The Maximum Project (TMP) to share these conversations, lessons, and experiences with people who might feel stuck without support.TMP includes a podcast, weekly newsletter , Instagram page , and blog. If you liked this piece, consider subscribing to the newsletter .
Cover Image Credit:?Hello I'm Nik ?on?Unsplash
Global Communications | Employer Branding | Internal Communications | Media Relations | Content Strategist
2 年Thanks so much for this Adarsh Nalam. This couldn't have come at a better time. One needed to read this to gain some perspective, especially in the current scenario. Also, I can't wait to read your thoughts on kindness, as mentioned in the blog. :-)
Footwear Design & Development | Lecturer | Mentor | Empowering individuals & businesses as they navigate the crossroads of creativity, entrepreneurship, innovation, and success.
2 年What a great article, Adarsh. So much to take away, I know I’ll be referring back to it often!