10 Signs that you are in an Abusive Relationship with your Job

Recently, after months of struggling with indecision, I decided to resign from my job. It was an extremely difficult decision that I discussed with family, friends, mentors, and peers before I finally took action. In one conversation my good friend Patrick, said “it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship with your job”. I came to find out a lot of people I know feel the same way.

I get it. We live in uncertain times. We live in a world of extended credit where we need to know where our next paycheck is coming from, and at the same time we are much too busy to be out there exploring other options. Much like an abusive relationship, we get used to the “new normal” of not being happy and convince ourselves that we don’t deserve better.

Here’s the deal - life is short and you have to learn to break these cycles. If you are in an abusive relationship with another person it is complicated and hard to leave, but there is happiness beyond the break up and separation. Take a look at the list below and see how many of these apply to you. You just may be in an abusive relationship with your job and if you are, it’s time to find your way out.

Disclaimer: This information is for people who show up everyday, care about their job, do the work, and want more out of their career. If you aren’t succeeding because the job is a bad fit for your skill set or you have a few personal vendettas at work, those are their own issues. This is specifically for people who work hard to get ahead but aren’t seeing a clear path to get there. 

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1. You feel anxious all the time at work causing you to develop a defensive posture.

How much anxiety are you feeling at work? It’s never a great feeling to have and having it for the better part of 40 hours every week is totally unacceptable. I remember consciously using the phrase “this is making me anxious” often believing that if I called it out that something would change. Over time the anxiety led to becoming more and more defensive which created tension that made things even harder. If you love what you do, you should be happy at work - at least most of the time.

2. You find your leaders are critiquing your character instead of your work.

Your job is what you do, not who you are. If you find your critiques (including performance reviews) are focused more on your personality than the quality of your work that is a sign that you might be in a bad place. A good leader finds a way to tie personality challenges to how they impact the work. If you are being criticized because of who you are or how you express yourself, it may be time to find the escape hatch.

3. You find yourself in a cycle of abuse.

The cycle of abuse is one of the hardest things to both identify and overcome. I first noticed the cycle when things would seem to get better. There is a noticeable difference when you actually feel better and can look back and see how bad things have gotten. Every time things got a little better, my hope would be renewed and I would dig back in. Overtime I realized this was my cycle. Things would spiral into a dark place and then there would be a light of hope. That light would kick off the new cycle with hope that something would be different this time (but it never was).

Maya Angelou said “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

4. You are scared to leave because you feel like you might not find another opportunity or the next one will just be more of the same.

Sometimes we hold onto what we have like grim death because we believe there isn’t anything else for us. Some relationships last for years because the assumption is made that this is the best there is. Worse yet, we think this is all we are capable of, so it would be the same anywhere. It’s not easy to let go of something, but there is always more out there for you. There will always be another job the same as there will always be more fish in the sea.

5. You feel like leaving is losing (aka the ride or die syndrome)

If you are anything like me, you like to win! Part of what drives me as a person is being recognized as the best at what I do (and I am willing to put in the work for it). This is the ride or die syndrome - the mindset of making it work by sheer will. Leaving isn’t losing. Sometimes you are in the wrong place. Breaking up doesn’t make you any less of a person and choosing to leave a job doesn’t either. It doesn’t make you a loser to make a choice to improve the quality of your life. In fact, that is the ultimate win. It takes more strength and confidence to make a hard choice than to continue to fight a losing battle.

6. You feel personally responsible for people, so it feels impossible to leave them behind.

This has always been the hardest part for me. I get very attached to the people I work with because team building is a big part of what I do. I remember being ready to go yet staying over and over again because I didn’t want to leave (or let down) the people I work with. It became a selfish decision that delayed my departure. We are all responsible for our own lives and choices, as are the other adults we work with - who have the capacity to deal. Friendships can last well beyond job tenures and you can maintain a mentor role in the lives of people even if you don’t work with them every day. Do not let other people become the reason you sacrifice your happiness in your life and career.

7. You find yourself waiting for something to change, thinking if you stick it out it will all work out eventually.

The waiting game is the worst. I set deadlines for myself a few times telling myself “if this doesn’t change/happen by the end of the quarter/half/year I need to plan my exit.” Hope is a great thing, but it doesn’t change the way time works. You can sacrifice years of time and effort waiting on something that may never change. It’s possible which is why having a hard conversation and giving a little time for things to change is a great idea - waiting around forever is not.

8. You feel pressure to be perfect in your role.

I hope we can agree that no one is perfect. If you feel that kind of pressure in your job, get out now. The focus should be on learning and growing in a direction that accelerates your career, not being perfect on any given day.

9. You worry what people will think of you if you leave.

What other people think can be a factor in staying in an abusive relationship. Watching a couple that has been together for a long time break up is a shock to the system - and a sudden departure from a job can feel the same way. Remember - this is YOUR LIFE. It may surprise you to find out that most people will support you for making the best decision for yourself. Never let what other people think be a deciding factor in your life decisions.

10. You are not happy but constantly tell yourself “this is my life”.

“This is my life” is the sentence a depressed person tells themselves when they accept defeat. My abusive relationship is just who I am and all I deserve. You have to change your mindset. Your life should be about what you want, where you want to go, and who you want to be. If you don’t like what/where/who you are and think the future will just be more of the same then you have to be the one who makes the change.

It’s your life and your career and only you can break the cycle. Toxic relationships with people and with your career can eat up years of your life. The escape hatch in any situation where you feel trapped is making the bold choice to change your life. Do you have the guts to make a change?

#ItGetsBetter