10 Questions to Guide Your Holiday Gatherings With Adult Children

Recently, I’ve focused quite a bit on the sandwich generation, those raising children and assisting aging parents. Somewhere in the mix, many of my readers are entering a new stage of life: being the parent of adult children. I’ll confess that I almost used the phrase “parenting adult children” instead of “being the parent…” and that may seem like a minute distinction. However, as your children truly enter adulthood, there’s a lot less “ing” to your parenting and a lot more “be.” Hopefully, this season can be a time of mindful enjoyment of the relationship with your children, whether they are college freshmen returning home for a few weeks, married with families living in their own home, or any other combination of living, working, and family arrangements.?

The holidays bring an opportunity for families to connect, share memories, and create new traditions. Similar to planning for an uncertain future, fostering meaningful interactions requires intentional and thoughtful communication. Here are 10 questions to ask your adult children to increase the likelihood of meaningful and healthy holiday gatherings.

1. What are your most meaningful holiday traditions, and how can we keep them alive?

Understanding which traditions hold the most value to your adult children helps you focus on activities that matter most. It also provides an opportunity to modify or enhance traditions to include everyone’s input and create a sense of shared history.

2. Are there any new activities or traditions you’d like to introduce?

Welcoming new ideas helps the family stay adaptable and gives adult children a sense of ownership in the holiday planning. This can make the celebration feel more inclusive and enjoyable for everyone.

3. How do you envision our holiday schedule this year?

Some people love a full, action-packed holiday, while others prefer a more relaxed approach. Understanding how your adult children feel about the pace and structure of the holiday can help avoid unnecessary stress and align expectations.

4. What foods or meals would make the holiday special for you?

Food is often at the heart of holiday gatherings, and preferences can change over time. Asking about favorite dishes or any new dietary restrictions ensures everyone feels catered to and helps prevent surprises at the dinner table.

5. How can we make sure everyone feels included and comfortable?

This question opens up a conversation about practical considerations, such as the needs of partners, friends, or extended family who might be attending. It’s a way to make sure everyone feels welcomed and included in the festivities.

6. What are your hopes for downtime and relaxation during the holidays?

Holidays can be exhausting, and many adult children might need a balance between social activities and rest. By discussing how much downtime is preferred, you can create a holiday that respects everyone’s need for relaxation.

7. Are there any holiday stressors you’d like to avoid or minimize this year?

Whether it’s overspending, excessive travel, or dealing with challenging family dynamics, holiday stressors can dampen the mood. Understanding what your adult children find stressful allows you to navigate the holidays with greater awareness and make adjustments as needed.

8. How can we balance our holiday time with other commitments?

Adult children often have multiple obligations, such as visiting their spouse’s family, work events, or even their own traditions. Being open to scheduling and understanding their commitments can foster a spirit of cooperation and minimize feelings of guilt or obligation.

9. What gift-giving approach feels right for our family this year?

Gift-giving expectations can change as families grow, and it’s helpful to recalibrate as needed. Your children might prefer a Secret Santa, homemade gifts, or even a donation to a shared cause. This discussion helps manage expectations and align the holiday spirit with everyone’s values.

10. Is there a way we can focus on giving back or helping others together?

Many families find joy in volunteering or supporting a charitable cause during the holidays. If this aligns with your family’s values, ask your adult children if they would like to participate in a shared act of giving, such as preparing care packages, volunteering at a shelter, or organizing a donation drive.

Final Thoughts

Asking thoughtful questions like these promotes open communication, reduces misunderstandings, and ensures that holiday gatherings are filled with joy and mutual respect. Open conversations can also help build deeper connections, and help you to see what is important to your children. It can help you discover recipes, letters, items, and ideals you will want to ensure they can cherish throughout their lives (hint: Include them in your When I’m Gone Box). Have the happiest of holiday seasons!?