THE 10 PRINCIPLES FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE

After more than two decades of practical counseling experience, I have come to appreciate some fundamental principles that apply in the lives of couples with abundantly healthy marriage relationships. The blueprints for achieving a marital union that is rich in joyfulness, peace, love, freedom and fruitfulness is the same in every land.

Given a daily commitment to spiritual growth and access to divine wisdom, all our challenges thin into insignificance. And the only key to this growth is an unhindered submission to God on a daily basis. Jesus once said to us,

"...If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me"                                                                                                                                                     Lk 9:23

In 1Cor.15:31, brother Paul said,

"I protest by your rejoicing which I have in Christ Jesus our Lord, I die daily."

An authentic walk with God therefore requires our daily exercise of faith, dying to self and walking with Him daily. When we do this consistently, the Spirit of God rests upon our marriage and family. Then and only then can his vision for our lives and union become real and realizable. As a couple, your home may not be perfect, but when you religiously adhere to the principles mentioned below, God's abundant grace will take away those imperfections. Your marriage will be continually renewd and the devil will find no crack to hide. The principles are as follows:

SET ASIDE TIME TO SHARE PERSONAL ISSUES

No matter how pressing, difficult or tight your schedules and challenges might be, always set aside time daily with your mate to share the highs and lows of the day. Talk about your feelings, needs and perceptions. Never allow the evil darts of procrastination, weariness and lukewarmness to deprive you of the essential aspects of your union.

In Eccl. 8:5 the Scripture says,
".....And a wise man's heart discern both time and judgement."

Every day is a present. Please use it judiciously. Many have postponed their bedroom talk but never lived to see the next day. Learn to communicate daily with your spouse. It is a sure antidote to isolation and depression.

LEARN TO LISTEN MORE, AND TALK LESS.

Learn to hear and understand what your mate is saying. Don't be in a hurry to suggest, respond, reject or condemn. It can be mistaken for disrespect or invalidation. Even when your mate expresses an opinion that is wrong or unpleasant, always resist the temptation to pull him or her down. Take time to listen attentively. Remember, even a broken clock is right twice in a day. In the midst of that seemingly inconsequential chatter could be found some strong home truth.

"Wherefore my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath."
                                                                                                                                             James 1:19

LEARN TO ALWAYS RESOLVE CONFLICTS AS THEY OCCUR

"Be ye angry, and sin not. Let not the sun go down upon your wrath Neither give place to the devil."
                                                                                                                                           Eph.4:26-27

Weeds will always grow in your garden. You have a choice to either pull it up as they appear or allow them to become a bush where snakes and other reptiles can hide to cause havoc.. Disagreements and marital conflicts are weeds that must be uprooted as they occur in the course of the relationship. All wise couples develop strategies to deal with conflicts in their marriage.

Coming from diverse social, cultural, and sometimes religious settings, there are bound to be conflicts from time to time. Learn to device ways of making the various puzzles  in your relationship to fit harmoniously. Wise couples can use the perceived weaknesses in their spouse to advantage.

When conflicts and disagreements arise in your marriage, be brave to tackle it as they appear. Do not sweep them under the carpet. Don't pretend that it never happened. Rise up, weed them out and cast them into the furnace of forgiveness and forgetfulness. Do it now, not tomorrow.

RESPOND TO EVERY COMPLAINT WITH CONSTRUCTIVE SUGGESTIONS

If you take a census of all failed marriages, you will discover that more than 90% of the spouses are usually critical of their mates. I therefore advice you to be less critical of your spouse. Criticism is the tool of the devil which he deploys to destroy unsuspecting couples. Most couples usually take criticism as a sign of rejection by their mates and therefore react wrongly. That is why you must be utterly careful whenever you desire to criticize.

However, there may be times when legitimate flaws must be pointed out. Do you have to keep silent because of your fear of being misunderstood by your mate? Certainly No. But in your eagerness to point out the weaknesses and flaws of your mate, you must do this with love, compassion, and a constructive suggestion on how these weaknesses can be avoided in future. You must also be gracious to acknowledge your own weaknesses when they are revealed to you.

Never be the man that has a beam in his eyes and yet eager to remove the mote in his neighbor's . Most importantly, learn to accept the weaknesses in one another with the understanding that no man is perfect. We are all work in progress in the hands of the Almighty.

RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO CONTROL YOUR MATE

Any act, behavior, or spoken word that is capable of forcing your spouse to act or behave in a manner acceptable to you, to the detriment of his or her self esteem and respect is totally wrong and should be discontinued. This is often manifested in the form of intimidation, bossiness, manipulations, stubbornness, possessiveness, excessive nagging, threats of abandoning the marriage, silent treatments, evasiveness, incessant bickering, physical abuse, lying, tuning out, stinginess, outright neglect, and all manner of behavior that are meant to satisfy your yearning to control your mate.

Beloved of God, are your sins mentioned above? Please apply the brakes. All healthy marriages thrive on freedom and love. Freedom to grow as individuals and as a couple, to openly and lovingly express their opinion, to love unhindered, and fulfill the purpose and plan of God for their lives.

May i stop here for now. In my next post, I will complete this topic. I will give you the next five points. They are as revealing as the ones already stated above. Don't fail to visit my blog for these and much more. You are tapping into the success and wisdom that have made giants out of ordinary folks like you and I. God bless you thoroughly.

(6) STAY IN TOUCH WITH ONE ANOTHER'S WORLD.

      A potentially good marriage can be ruined when the couple show a marked disinterest in one another's areas of interest. What we do daily is so much linked to who we are that a better understanding of them can lead to greater appreciation of our innate values as individuals.

      All healthy couples device ways of discovering and learning more about the activities and leisure that give joy to their mates. Find out what your mate love to do and celebrate  it with him or her. Learn more about his or her hobbies, reading preferences, duties at the local church,sporting preferences, etc. If you desire marital joy and cohesion, start today to rediscover all the above. Stay connected with one another's world. In no time, you will find greater pleasure in your relationship.

(7) MAINTAIN BALANCE IN TIME COMMITMENTS.

      Some husbands are so glued to their work that they hardly have time for their wives and children. They come back home late every night with official files tucked under their arms. Others jet from one corner of the globe to another in their search for money and business. And yet a greater number sit behind their television sets all day watching the news or enjoying the latest soaps. I have also encountered husbands that continually complain about their wives penchant attitude to the things of the spirit. Others are addicted to committee meetings, church programs, women's  club meetings and fellowship groups. Oftentimes, these women lack the time to properly cater to the needs of their children. They can neither cook the meals nor clean their homes. They lack the discipline of properly allocating time to their activities.

    Healthy marriages don't just drop from the sky. It is a conscious outworking of God through the instrumentality of couples who made themselves available for his use. Healthy marriages are built and nurtured through couples that are willing to take one another into consideration while planning  their daily activities. Start today to allocate time to activities that will include your mate. What  about weekend trips together, marriage seminars, picnics, and visiting friends together. As a couple, please learn to be creative with your time.

(8) RELATE ONLY WITH WHOLESOME FRIENDS.

     According to a renowned counselor, Dr Les Carter, ''Humans have an uncanny way of taking on  the traits and attitudes of their closest associates. It is like learning a speaking accent. We do not  intend to talk in a regional accent, yet when exposed to a dialect daily, it is learned.'''

     In the same manner, many of us do not intentionally set out to become thieves, armed robbers, fornicators, adulterers, prostitutes and drug addicts, but when we associate with those who  manifest the above character flaws, they naturally rub off on us.

    The Scripture says in Prov.13:20 and  27:17,

     "He that walks with wise men shall be wise, but a companion of fools shall be destroyed. Iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friends."

    Always watch out for the type of friends you keep, or the type of people that are found around your spouse. Are they men and women of easy virtue; lazy bones and spiritually polluted souls who  think only of evil, gossip about people, abuse their bodies and live ugly lifestyles? Or are they surrounded by great minds whose visions and goals inspire love and courage in others? In the company of wholesome friends who experience and share true love and peace in their own  individual lives, great visions and dreams are birthed and actualized.

    The Scripture says in Heb.10:24,

    "And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together as the manner of some is, but exhorting one another...."

(9) ALWAYS DWELL ON YOUR STRENGTH, NOT YOUR WEAKNESSES

     As a spouse, your most important duty is to discover and appreciate the positive sides of your relationship. Cheerfully acknowledge it always and your marriage will never know a better yesterday. Though times may be difficult, though conflicts may arise, though businesses may fail and jobs may be lost, though accidents may occur and limbs may be lost; always remind yourself that your marriage is a ministry where God has decided to use your strengths for his glory.

    Learn to always compliment one another. It holds a marriage together even when areas of difficult exist. When there are sufficient memories of joyful sentiments, you can weather the worst storms. Learn to love like true lovers. True love is not contingent upon a mate's behavior, but rather upon  the couple's yielded hearts to God. When love is tied to performance, wealth or fame, it's value is  easily eroded. True love is therefore built upon commitment. All healthy marriages thrive on these virtues.

(10)ANCHOR YOUR MARRIAGE ON GOD AND HIS STANDARD.
 
     Finally brethren, always anchor your marriage on God's eternal foundation. He is the master builder, the ever wakeful watchman, the captain with untainted records. Only him can take away all the stress off your marriage. Events that can take the normal everyday couple to the divorce courts is easily resolved in bedroom jokes and laughter. The Sun of righteousness is present to heal the cracks in your relationship before it poses a threat to you.

    The Scripture says in Prov.24:4,5.

     "Through wisdom is a house built, and by understanding it is established, and by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with precious and pleasant riches."

   Who is the source of wisdom, understanding and knowledge? In Isaiah 11:2, he is revealed as the Holy Spirit. You therefore need the divine presence of the Holy Spirit in your life, marriage and  family in order to actualize the vision of God for your home. As you meditate on these, I exhort you to be a doer of all you have learnt on this blog. Be blessed in the Lord our God.

For more inspiring articles on marriage and family relationships, please visit my blog at www.marriagecity.blogspot.com.ng. I love you all.