10 Life Mistakes That Thwart Our Dreams and Ultimate Happiness

Part of Kathy Caprino's series "The Most Powerful You"

Fourteen years ago, I wrote a blog post called “My 52 Mistakes ” about the worst missteps I felt I’d taken at that point in my life, and what I’d learned from them.?At that time, I was compelled to share these 52 learnings because after living through the pain and struggle that emerged from these “mistakes” and trying to undo the havoc they wreaked on my life, I wanted to help others avoid them at all costs.?People wrote to me from all around the world about ways in which these mistakes resonated and mirrored their own life experiences.

Truth be told, I don’t really believe in the notion of irrevocable mistakes because I’ve seen that everything that happens can be experienced and used for our highest good and the highest good of others, if we commit to learning the most life-affirming lessons from them, and integrate them for our growth and expansion.

That said, there are, without doubt, error-ridden decisions we make or misguided directions we follow that can lead to disaster, pain, sadness, and loss.?And if we don’t understand the root causes and influences (and mindsets) behind these crushing detours from our highest and happiest path, we’re often doomed to repeat them. (Here's more about why our decisions often fail us .)

If I boil down my own biggest mistakes along with the missteps that others have shared with me that caused them the deepest pain, the top 10 would be these:

#1: Not comprehending what you’re capable of

Early on in my coaching practice, as a way to get to know my clients and their career trajectories, I created a survey tool called a Career Path Self-Assessment. It's a survey that over 100K people have taken so far, and it offers a powerful collection of probing, critical questions that every professional should answer before they make any moves or decisions.

Responses to these questions allow me to see deep inside the career trajectories of men and women around the world, and from their responses, I see this:

The vast majority of people don’t have any understanding of their specialness and unique talents and what makes them stand out in the world. Further, they don't see the value of their special abilities and how those talents can be of great service to others, in a fulfilling career they can thrive in.

Personally speaking, when I started out in professional life, I too had no concept of my own unique abilities and innate skills I could have leveraged professionally from the first day of my professional life onward. If I had answered all these survey questions honestly and bravely when was in my early 20's, I believe I would have bypassed many of the biggest career mistakes I made.

In my recent Power Gaps Survey , 63% of the over 1,400 women globally who took the survey shared that they are experiencing what I call Power Gap #1: Not Recognizing Your Special Talents, Abilities and Accomplishments.

Here's more about that gap, from my Finding Brave podcast:

(For more about all 7 damaging power and confidence gaps, check out my article and latest book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss. )

We’re often crushed down by demoralizing experiences in our jobs and relationships, and we forget (or actually perhaps have never really seen) just how our talents, gifts and passions are uniquely ours and so very needed in the world.

During my 18 years in corporate life, I never once had a glimpse of what I was truly and fully capable of being, doing and creating.?It was only when the Universe kindly stepped in and helped me experience being ejected from my unhappy corporate existence that I finally “got it” and transformed my life to pursue new directions that I found purposeful and rewarding.

From my view, and in working with thousands of professionals around the world, I've seen that not understanding what you’re capable of, and how the world needs you and your gifts, is one of the most crippling of all mistakes.

#2: Associating with and trusting the wrong people

There is no question that the people we associate with, and those we allow ourselves to be in relationships and partnerships with, dramatically shape who we are, who we become, and what happens to us.

If the people around you don’t value, respect or care for you, or if they live by values that are in stark contrast to yours (and make your heart and soul hurt), your life can’t be what you dream it to be.

This includes working with a narcissistic boss , toxic colleagues, demeaning "friends" and more. If you want to soar like an eagle, then you have to take that huge leap of faith to surround yourself with eagles -- those people who are not only doing what you dream to be doing, but also doing it in a way that inspires, thrills and uplifts you and others.

#3: Letting your beliefs, fears and blocks around money stop you from living full-out

More than 70% of the clients and colleagues I’ve connected with over the past 5 years have challenged relationships with money or some form of money trauma from their past. These challenges, mindsets, fears and blocks don't just happen to people who are struggling to earn enough money. I’ve worked with scores of people who’ve earned or inherited millions of dollars yet they don’t feel they deserve it, feel terribly guilty about it, or feel like impostors. And many people who have a lot of money are still plagued with fears of scarcity.?

Others can’t believe that a happier life or career is in the cards for them, despite having a master's degree and/or fantastic credentials and experiences. Others still dream of better jobs, careers and livelihoods but sabotage their growth because of intense risk-aversion and deep fear around needing “security” and “safety” that they believe comes from money.

Until you can untangle (and heal) your money story and stop making money a ruthless idol in your life that you need to feed and worship daily, you won’t achieve what you dream of.

#4: Comparing yourself to others in ways that crush your confidence and life energy

I’m a fan of healthy competition and believe it can absolutely fuel our growth. But comparing ourselves to others and continually feeling “less than” and having shame about who we are, damages our lives.?

If you’re obsessively comparing yourself to others — business people, colleagues, peers, family members, celebrities, etc. — and believing that you're coming up short , your life will be drained of the confidence, energy and vibrancy you need to move forward in a positive way.

#5: Refusing to learn the empowering lessons your life is trying to teach

When we’re going through painful, crushing times, I believe there are some critical lessons that we’re guided to learn, but many of us fail to receive or embrace these lessons. We miss the point entirely.

In fact, if you feel yourself in constant regret about what you should have done in the past, you’re most likely failing to learn the right lessons.?I failed to learn, for instance, that my deep unhappiness in my corporate career wasn’t because I wasn’t “good enough,” but because I was constantly pointed in the wrong direction, working on business outcomes that were not meaningful or fulfilling to me with people who operated in ways I tended not to trust, respect or admire.?

The “right” lessons empower, uplift and strengthen you, not push you down.?If we don’t shift and change and learn from what’s happening to us, we’ll simply continue to bloody our heads against the same brick walls.?It's vital to learn new lessons and modify how we operate in the world in ways that thrill us, or we’ll struggle to break the cycles of pain that we continually co-create.

Below is a video I recorded 10 years ago for my Amazing Career Project video training course (which offers instructional training on the 16 most essential steps to building an amazing career you'll love). This segment talks about The Lessons Your Life Is Trying To Teach You . Check it out - the messages are still relevant today:

#6: Not understanding that you are separate from your thoughts

We are not our thoughts, and our thoughts don’t have to rule and control us. But they will control us if we have no awareness of what we are thinking and why.?

In my training as a therapist, I learned that being able to separate ourselves from our thoughts is a transformative experience that helps us gain self-mastery and the skills to shape our behavior in more productive ways.

There are numerous ways we can access our thoughts and experience them differently, and we can choose the approach that works best for us, including:

• Meditation
• Mindfulness practices
• Taking time alone or in nature to just "be" with ourselves and converse with our inner voice
• Labeling our thoughts (such as recognizing certain types of thoughts that are upsetting to us, saying to yourself (for example): "There goes one of those judging, shaming thoughts," to give ourselves distance from them

And more.

The key is to learn to observe our thoughts and create separation from them so that -- with greater awareness and self-control -- we can intentionally choose exactly how we want to react and behave in the world.?If we never gain true awareness of what we’re thinking, we’re powerless to shape our feelings, reactions and behaviors.

Here's a wonderful new look at Intentionality and how it heals and positively shifts our life experience, drawing on the keen insights and work of Finnian Kelly , who joined me on my podcast Finding Brave :

#7: Letting your ego and your need to be right wreck your peace, well-being and relationships

Our egos, and our wish and need to defend our thoughts, values, and positions, can be healthy and helpful. But often, our egos run wild, and tiny sparks of narcissism can make us react in ways that burn bridges, sever helpful ties, and thwart our growth.?

If you’re constantly looking for validation that you’re “right,” important, or valuable, and if you feel the urge to drum out of existence people who don’t agree with you or who challenge you, your ego needs some work to heal.

After all, we simply can’t build the life we dream of if we cut off, hurt and alienate all those who challenge us and ask us to stretch beyond who we are today.

#8: Ignoring your body

After living through four years of chronic illness (in the form of terrible, painful infections of my trachea every few months during my unhappy corporate life), I finally learned this:

Your body says what the lips cannot.

If we ignore what our bodies are trying to tell us, we’ll suffer and continue to suffer, until we listen and learn and change how we're operating.

If we long to live a beautifully rich, happy and fulfilling life but fail to give our physical bodies what they need to be healthy and supported, we’ll fail to have the energy and vitality we need to do what we want to in this life.

Here's some powerful guidance from Dr. Neha Sangwan on How To Move From Fully Burnout to Fully Charged in Life and Work .

And check out the powerful book You Can Heal Your Life - a very eye-opening resource that highlights potential emotional and spiritual underpinnings of chronic physical problems we experience.

#9: Failing to stretch beyond who you think you are and what you’re comfortable with

In an interview I conducted several years ago with Herminia Ibarra on How Authenticity Can Keep Professionals From Growing Into Effective Leaders, I realized even more acutely how an over-attachment to “authenticity” can actually keep us from stretching and moving forward. If we stay only where we feel comfortable, even with regard to our self-identity, we’ll never get to the new destination that we dream of, because we fear it’s not who we “really are” yet.?

The deep longing to stay put, and to feel “comfort” and “security,” in the end, can create the most painful type of discomfort – the realization that we failed to fulfill our highest and most thrilling goals and potential.

As Amy Cuddy shares in her powerful TED Talk Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are , at times you have to be it until you become it.

#10: Not doing the inner work to create the outer life you dream of

Last but not least, I learned this during my time as a marriage and family therapist, and I’ve seen it in my own life and in thousands of others I coach:

If you refuse to do the inner work on yourself to become stronger, wiser, braver, more powerful and less reactive, then the outer experiences in your life will fail to satisfy you.?

A happy, joyful and fulfilling life takes work, and it starts with inner work – on your thoughts, insecurities, reactivity, negative mindsets, and fears.

If what’s in front of you is making you unhappy, we first have to look inward to explore our part in it (we aren't just random observers in life -- we co-create and actively participate in what happens to us and what we attract, invite and allow).

If we refuse to identify how we're potentially co-creating or sustaining our problems and unhappiness, and won't do the work to shift what is within our control, we'll continue to experience the same challenges.?

And staying in denial about our personal limitations and challenges won’t bring the peace, joy, and fulfillment you long for, or that your heart and soul deserve.??

For help to overcome these 10 life mistakes and close your power and confidence gaps for greater happiness and fulfillment, join Kathy in the Fall 2024 session of her acclaimed 8-week course The Most Powerful You , beginning October 3rd. And read Kathy's latest book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss.

If you'd like hands-on career and leadership growth support, work with Kathy in her 6-session Career & Leadership Breakthrough program. And invite Kathy to speak/deliver a live transformative training workshop , perfect for women's groups and leadership conferences.

Finally, for uplifting biweekly content and insights from top experts, tune into Kathy's Finding Brave podcast , ranked in the Top 100 Apple Career Podcasts.