10 KEYS to achieve a successful Online Mediated Divorce outcome -How to prepare yourselves to manage difficult conversations in Online Mediation-
John E Hind LLB.FMCA.CMC.NLP
Family Mediator | Divorce Coach | Author of the Divorce Manual | Passionate about conflict resolution
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10 KEYS to achieve a successful Online Mediated Divorce outcome
-How to prepare yourselves to manage difficult conversations in Online Mediation-
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1????????????? Equipment test run-confidential
Try to ensure that you are as relaxed and prepared as possible when the day comes.
You can help yourself by having had a confidential pre-mediation online test run with the mediator and former partner, for about 10 minutes a day or so before.
Please read the client guide- instructions for Zoom on this webpage
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2????????????? Be honest and open in your communication
During that short test run meeting the mediator may ask you what might help and support you to keep on track and make progress on the day of the mediator. Please be open and honest with the mediator and your former partner if you are needing some additional help or support to work online.
Everyone comes to online communication with different amounts of experience and confidence.
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3.??????????? Have a simple clear agenda in mind
Most people communicate more effectively the clearer they are about their own priorities and if they have a clear framework and structure within which to discuss these together online.
Therefore, it almost always helpful to agree in writing with your former partner the specific subjects you wish to focus on in mediation and send this to the mediator beforehand.
If you need help agreeing these specific subjects please use the mediator to help you. This might be by way of pre-mediation online joint meeting to specifically agree this agenda or right at the beginning of the online mediation session.
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4.??????????? Agree a statement of good intent
This document can also double up as a mutual statement of good intent that you both wish to commit to using your best efforts in mediation to focus on X, Y, Z (the subjects you wish to focus on) or you could both prepare a separate statement of good intent as well as try to agree a short written agenda for the mediation ie I wish to focus on X, Y, Z
Have a look at the example Statement of intent on the webpage before you prepare your own
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5.??????????? Have some options in mind relating to the agreed subject matter for discussion before mediation starts (your agenda)
If you have some options in mind to discuss (your preferred options) to achieve the kind of outcome you wish to achieve in mediation please remember that your former partner may see things differently and may have their own preferred options.
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6.??????????? Be ready and able to consider a range of perspectives
The aim is for you both to work through these options together with mediator, explaining how these might work from your perspective, from the other person(s) perspective and (if child arrangements) from the children’s perspective ,meeting each person’s/child’s needs (physical, practical, emotional and psychological)
By this stage of the online process you and your former partner will both have had your own individual confidential pre-mediation info and assessment meeting with the mediator and each prepared a pre-mediation questionnaire based on answers to questions, exploring your perspective as well as your view about your former partner’s perspective
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This form can be found on this webpage all about MIAMs (mediation info and ass meetings)
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7.??????????? Be pragmatic and structure in your approach to exploring the options from different perspectives
It will be really important, as you do this, to be as pragmatic and structured in your approach as possible, listening closely to what each other’s views and how you have each arrived at your preferred options, asking questions about anything that is not clear, rather than reacting to what you assume or believe might be based, for example, on ‘bad intent’.
In other words, ‘don’t assume, ask’.
If we all react to what we believe, assume and interprete the other person to be meaning, when they express a view, we will get nowhere.
The mediation process needs to make us all accountable for explaining to each other what we mean and, of course, mean what we say, without hidden agendas and game playing (pressing each other’s hot buttons when we feel irritated, frustrated or annoyed with what we are hearing).
Simply working methodically through all the options, being open to the idea that you may not have thought of everything, from every person’s perspective and that everyone will have ideas, priorities and concerns of their own based on what they think is important.
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8.??????????? Breakdown (chunking) the things your want to focus on and sort out into manageable parts to work through and solve.
If for example, you are discussing child arrangements try to break down the subject matter into chunks of work such as;
Can we discuss when we might catch up each week for a chat about the children, the specific aims we might each have for this chat ie to talk about X, Y, Z relating to the children and how we might ensure that this is successful by agreeing some communication guidelines (boundaries) for us to adhere to and what needs to happen if we find ourselves straying from these boundaries.
As you can see, this approach divides the specific topic for discussion into a number of component parts which are underlined above.
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9.??????????? Give yourselves some structure, a framework and guidelines (boundaries)
Where conversations are difficult this is one way of ensuring that you give yourselves some structure, with a framework and some boundaries. The mediator will help you do this in mediation but ultimately when it comes to communicating with your former partner, especially where this is as parents, this is something you will ultimately have to do for yourselves or keep having to return to mediation or, worse still, end up in court.
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10.????????? Don’t suppress negative emotions until you explode
Don’t suppress negative emotion but express calmly, if possible, what you are feeling because of something you are needing, in that moment, is not being met or you are feeling challenged or threatened in some way. Do not suppress this until boiling point and then explode!
This might be something like you are feeling criticised, told what to do, controlled, bullied or simply not listened to by the other person or even the mediator.
Be specific about what it is that the other person said or did that is causing you to feel this way. It may simply be a very emotive subject for you about which you are feeling particularly sensitive and defensive. This is perfectly normal.
You might even find that the other person is not aware of the impact that their behaviour is having on you and is prepared to respond positively especially if you able and willing to calmly explain what it is they have said or done and what you are needing them to do or say differently, in that moment.
At least if you are able to explain this to them and you ask them in a calm respectful way, they then become accountable for the choices they make about the way they respond !
Good luck
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John E Hind LLB.FMCA.CMC reg
Director, Compass Resolution Ltd
Accredited Mediator at lagos court of arbitration,citizens mediation centre
6 个月These instructions and guidelines for divorcing couples who opt for mediation over litigation are quite interesting. However, they will only be effective if both parties can remain reasonable and keep their emotions under control, which can be quite challenging.