10 Key Lessons Learnt about Being Happy

Growing up I struggled a lot with feelings of loneliness, pessimism and inadequacy.?

Fortunately I’m currently the happiest I’ve ever been in life for a number of reasons.?

In my latest LinkedIn article I have shared the 10 key lessons I’ve learnt about being happy in case this is of interest or help to any of my network.

1) Identify what good looks like for you

I found that it’s important to identify what good actually looks like for you.?

One of my friends and mentors, Lord Rumi Verjee gave me the advice that if you don’t have specific goals you can’t achieve your goals, which I think is so true. Many of us like to think we are well meaning and ambitious but we don’t always interrogate what we actually care about and want to attract in our life. If we don’t have strong specific goals it can be easy to be influenced by generic goals which society promotes which may sound exciting on the surface but not be suitable for us. For example, work in a prestigious company, make tonnes of money, party a lot, get married, be attractive etc.?

One of the main reasons people are unhappy is because we compare ourselves to others, or more accurately we compare our worst self to other peoples best self.?I would recommend looking at the key aspects of your life that you care about and putting together specific and exciting goals which resonate with you, not which you think sound good externally. For example, I always used to think to be ‘making it in my 20s’ I had to make 6 figures annually, have loads of friends, live in a trendy youthful neighbourhood, have a partner etc. but speaking candidly, none of those things really appeal to me too much and if I tried to pursue them I would be stressed and overwhelmed for no good reason. Instead, reflecting on my own personality and priorities, I am currently happy with a salary of around ￡60K-￡75K per annum, having 15 close friends, living centrally by myself and dating around, as examples.?

We are all different and that’s completely fine and in fact the beauty of humanity. There are lots of things others are interested in, like partying, watching TV, being in relationships, playing football, which don’t appeal to me, and likewise there are loads of things I am really into which others aren’t, like reading, journaling, running a business etc. and that’s completely fine. One of the best things I did was work with life coaches and reflect independently on what I am personally really excited and interested in and putting together goals which reflect this.?

2) Help others

Whilst everyone varies with how altruistic they are, I feel optimistic and confident that the majority of people like to help others and make a positive difference.?

Research often shows that if you spend time and money helping others than just spending it purely on yourself you tend to be happier and more satisfied. We can help people in different ways, for example, through setting up a social enterprise, working in a social impact organisation, doing volunteering work outside a corporate job, getting involved in social action work within your job etc.?

I’m super grateful I get to run a social enterprise providing career opportunities to 100s of amazing young people from diverse backgrounds every year, however you don’t have to run a social enterprise to make an impact to others. I personally don’t feel like anyone has a monopoly on helping others. I feel like we all have different positions in society, time, skills etc. and where possible we should try and use these to help others in our own unique way.?

My mentor Liam Hackett gave me some life changing advice abut this topic. He highlighted how if you look around there are lots of employees in customer serving roles, such as?baristas in coffee shops, restaurant workers, airport staff etc. who are unintentionally treated terribly by lots of customers on a daily basis who don’t look at them, don’t make conversation with them and sometimes even lash out on them if they are irritated. Liam highlighted that if you make an effort to make eye contact and smile at many of these workers, you can see a noticeable change in their mood and expression due to them being noticed and appreciated, and this similarly causes the person who notices them to also perk up. Since Liam mentioned this to me a few months ago I endeavour to do this everyday and when I do I feel so much more connected to others and it’s a wonderful way to start and maintain a positive mood all day. ?

3) Focus on your own needs first?

If you want to be happy and satisfied I think it’s vital to invest in yourself and your needs.?

One thing I learnt when I did the Stonewall LGBT+ Leadership program last year was that we can’t give to others if we aren’t looked after ourselves and that you can’t pour from an empty cup. As strange as it sounds, one thing which was game changing to help me become more happy was to learn to be more selfish and focused on my own needs to start with. I’ve always been very sensitive, a people pleaser and a giver and whilst these sound like decent traits, they also have a tendency to cause me a lot of pain and frustration sometimes. For years I would find myself organising loads of social plans with friends but most people wouldn’t ever reciprocate, and I would make loads of business e-intros and connections to my entrepreneur peers to help them with their businesses but few would do the same for me. After a few year of this I felt burnt, humiliated and angry. I worked with some amazing life coaches to learn more about boundaries and having courageous conversations. I started developing boundaries for myself, respecting and valuing my time and energy more, cutting out people who didn’t respect or value me and on the back of this I’ve never felt happier. I’m doing the best I ever have personally and professionally and I’ve found myself a great group of loyal and loving friends. ??

It’s also vital to spend time and energy looking after your health and being fit and healthy. A few years ago, before I had an amazing team of employees, I would be working 7 days a week often late into the evenings and weekends, and didn’t prioritise eating well or exercising and looking back I realise how unhealthy this was and how this contributed towards my feeling of being in a rut and unhappy. Now I am working harder on going to the gym, walking more and eating healthily. As a result of this I feel more comfortable in my body and prouder of being more well balanced In life.??

4) Make enough money to be happy?

One of the main reason people are unhappy is because they feel like they don’t have enough money to live like they want and be happy.

On one hand I can empathise with this as we live in a very capitalist society and we have been groomed to think money and material possessions make us important and valued. Money is important so that we can be safe and secure and do the things we want to do within reason. However what I find is few people actually interrogate how much money they want and need. Lots of people want to have a million pounds for example, but if you ask them what would they do with that million pounds very few people have a good answer to this, they just really like the idea of having a million pounds. Research shows money does help make you happy to an extend, but then you hit a happiness income plateau point where making more money after this point won't increase your happiness any further. The number keeps changing due to inflation and the cost of living, however from what I understand the happiness income plateau number is around ￡60K in the UK. For years I was obsessed about making ￡100K per annum in my 20s and I felt if I did I would have 'made it in life', been a success and people would admire and respect me. However, aiming for and achieving an income of ￡60K is a lot more feasible, whilst also being more than enough money to do the things I want to do at my current stage of life.?

Research also shows that when money is spent on experiences and on others it leads to more happiness than if it’s just spent on material possessions for yourself. If I reflect on some of my happiest memories it’s when I have been travelling, meeting new people, doing new challenges like running a marathon etc. not buying the new iPhone or expensive luxury clothes. Where I do have a luxury watch or ring as an example, it has always been gifted to me by a loved one and I like it for this reason, not the external validation.?

There is a great book I read called The Art of Making Memories by Meik Wiking, where the author highlights that one of the key reasons peoples happiness sometimes dips after their 20s and 30s is because people tend to be happy when they experience things for the first time. E.g. their first kiss, partner, job offer, promotion, marriage, child etc. Naturally by the time you are in your 40s and onwards you would have hopefully had a lot of milestone moments experienced by then and there is a risk that future wins and experiences don’t excite you as much as you’ve done similar things before. This is why one reason that doing new experiences, e.g. going to a new country, trying a new sport, joining a new social group makes you happier. When I’m older I would love to move abroad and live as an expatriate for 1+ years for this reason.?

5) Do what you are good at and what gives you flow?

Each of us are different and have different strengths and skills.?

There seems to be a positive shift in society which encourages people to identify and leverage their key strengths as opposed to try and work on addressing their weaknesses.?

Charles Handy talks about each of us having a ‘golden seed’ - our unique talent and contribution to the world. I think it’s important for each of us to identify this in us and use it. The more time we spend doing things we are good at, developing our craft, the happier and more engaged we will tend to be in life, not to mention the more we will build our world class skill which will inevitably help our careers and money making abilities as well. For example, for me I get my flow from reading and writing. I can quite happily read for 60-120 minutes in 1 go and finish a book within 2-3 days on average and I love writing in my journal everyday as well. I noticed a huge boost in my mental health and happiness when I stopped looking my phone on the train to and from work and started reading instead. Sometimes my friends tell me they wish they could read more and concentrate on reading more like I do, but they struggle to. My advice to them is to not feel bad about this as we all have different things we enjoy and are good at and we should focus on this, not what others can do well or what society tells us we should be doing. For example, I am often inspired by and jealous of peers who go to the gym daily and have great bodies, and who date around all the time and have loads of romantic relationships etc. but often these people are naturally very interested and skilled in this, which influences their behaviour and success in these areas.?

There is a great psychometric test called the CliftonStrengths which I did a few years ago which was life changing for me. It helped me identify my top 5 key strengths (which I found accurate) and gave me recommendations on how I could use these skills on a daily basis which for me was a godsend.?

6) Learn about happiness?

One of the best things I’ve done over the last year which made me appreciate the importance of happiness, prioritise it more and become more happy was simply reading more about happiness and understanding about it more.

One of my favourite books that I read recently was 'If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Happy?’ by Raj Raghunathan. The book highlighted research that was done on Ivy League students where a researcher asked them that if they had a Genie in front of them who could grant them 3 wishes what would they wish for. The vast majority of students wished for things such as: romantic partners, money, career success etc. Virtually none of them wished to be happy. When the researcher pointed this out to the students afterwards the students said it’s not that they didn’t want to be happy, they just simply didn’t even think about this. The next time the students did the same exercise they virtually all mentioned happiness as one of their top 3 wishes. This research and its findings really brought home to me how easy it is to forget about happiness when I set myself goals and think about my future life.?On the back of this, I’ve added ‘be happy’ to one of my key life goals and my 2023 goals and it’s helping me massively as I am more conscious about this. This research also highlights how we are often fooled and misled by red herrings i.e. we all want to be happy however most of us feel like we first need to be rich, successful, popular, beautiful etc. to be happy when actually we can skip most of this and let ourselves be happy right now, which has been a game changing realisation for me. I now let myself be happy without forcing myself to achieve some random arbitrary societal standards in order to do so.?

I have read so many books about topics such as making money, property investments, entrepreneurship, personal development etc. and consequently I tend to be pretty good at these topics and succeed in these areas, and similarly, the more I am reading about happiness and fun, the more proactive and aspirational I get about being happy and having fun.?

The other good thing about reading about happiness is you understand that from an evolutionary perspective, humans aren’t actually meant to be super happy all the time as this wouldn’t give them an evolutionary advantage and we would be killed.?Humans are by nature meant to be anxious, angry, lustful etc. and so it’s important for us to realise this reality and not be so hard on ourselves when we are feeling down, in a rut and not super happy. There was a great book called 'The Chimp Paradox' by Steve Peters which I read which highlighted that when people can’t sleep at night or if they wake up in the middle of the night, the animal (chimp) part of the brain becomes very active and people tend to become very anxious and emotionally charged. I am so glad I read this as I was scared I was the only one who experienced this however by learning a bit more about human nature I become more kind and empathic to myself and didn’t seem myself as weak or a failure as a result.

7) Relationships are important - make sure to surround yourself with positive people ?

All the research highlights that people are social animals and relationships give us a lot of our meaning and worth in life. One of the main reasons people tend to be unhappy is due to feelings of loneliness, feeling excluded and not being desirable to others.?

I didn’t have many friends at school so when I went to University I was hell-bent on being super visible and popular. I joined loads of societies, won numerous presidential positions and was very active in all parts of student life and it worked - I had finally achieved my much yearned popularity status. When I got to my 20s I was still obsessed with popularity, visibility, being known and respected. However I soon realised I still wasn’t satisfied with my social life and relationships. I realised loads of my friendships were superficial and transactional and I wasn’t getting what I needed from them.

Research shows that you only need between 5-15 close friends and people actually really struggle having above and beyond 15 friends. Over the last few yeas I’ve become a lot better at sussing out fake, toxic, negative peers and focusing my time, energy and friendship with positive, uplifting and loyal friends and I have never been happier as a result.?

8) Have an empowering belief system

More and more research is highlighting the role and influence of your mind and beliefs on behaviour and wellbeing.?

I’m a big fan of feeling like you can talk things into existence. It’s really important to have an empowering belief system about yourself and your role in society and the world. This point links in nicely with the importance of being around positive and uplifting people. The older I get the more optimistic I get and I really struggle with being around negative, pessimistic and toxic people. I’m a big believer that the more you work, the more successful you’ll be and no one gets anywhere without putting in the hard work. I’m also a big fan of things like mantras, vision boards, affirmations and life goals. Not everyone is and whilst I respect everyone is different, for me I make a conscious decision to avoid people who aren’t supportive or encouraging to me.

When I was younger I really wanted to get immersed in the LGBT+ scene in London. I naively thought I was going to ‘find my community’, make my best friends, feel like I belonged and live happily ever after. I was hugely mistaken. I personally find certain parts of the LGBT+ community are extremely negative and infantilised due to their previous trauma, bullying and bad experiences. Whilst this is a shame and I feel bad for those folks, this doesn’t mean I have to subscribe to this vicim mentality. Certain people in the LGBT+ community complain about the world being homophobic, things getting worse, straight and cis people being the enemies etc. whilst also not working hard in their careers, drinking and taking drugs excessively and acting juvenile and then complaining when things don’t work out like they want to. I personally disagree with this approach and the older I get the more I distance myself from certain parts of the LGBT+ community in London and I embrace being post-gay. As controversial as this sounds, it has worked wonders for me and I am happier than I’ve ever been before as a result. I don’t seem myself as a victim for being LGBT+, in fact I think it’s a huge benefit for me personally. This is an example of choosing an alternative belief system which works for me, even though it’s different from others in your supposed community.?

Gratitude can be really powerful and I make sure to jot down things I am grateful for in the mornings or failing this in the evenings. It’s easy and tempting to keep focusing on what you want to achieve in life and your future goals but not pause and reflect on what you have already achieved and the amazing life you are already living. 10 years ago I would have loved to have run a business, have great friends, make good money, live in central London etc all of which I am doing now, which is why I like to keep reminding myself that actually whilst I am ambitious and excited for the future and future success, I am also super blessed and honoured about the life I get to live right now and I don’t want it to pass by without appreciating what I have going for me.?

I find travel is really important to shape an empowering and uplifting belief system. I’m really lucky that I got to grow up in Tanzania, England and UAE. I got to meet and befriend people from all types of backgrounds, beliefs, religions etc. and what I learnt from my experience was that people have more in common than they do apart. Virtually everyone wants to be loved, respected, make money, have friends and be happy. I lived in Tanzania and UAE as an openly gay man and I had no issues at all. I’m glad I had this experience growing up as I now feel the world is a friendly, tolerant and inclusive place and I don’t subscribe to negative, xenophobic perspectives which would otherwise rob me of my happiness and optimism.?

9) Commit to lifestyle changes which make you happy

There is a big focus in today’s world on getting therapy. I think it’s good people are open to talking about therapy and there is less stigma about poor mental health however I don’t think therapy is the answer to everything. In fact I think relying on therapy to make you happy can be detrimental if the problem isn’t a cognitive one but a lifestyle one.

Sometimes we find ourselves in environments which aren’t conducive to our wellbeing and happiness and in this case the priority I feel is to get out of this situation and be proactive at making a lifestyle change which will better serve and fuel our happiness. For example this could include leaving a school which you are unhappy in for reasons outside your control, spending money on hiring people for your business, moving out of an unfavourable living situation etc.

I’ve read a number of book on anxiety and a recurring theme is that instead of painting out anxiety as the bad guy or the enemy, sometimes your anxiety or poor mental health is a response to something unfavourable in your environment and it is trying to tell you something about your current life situation. I feel this voice should be honoured and listened to, not avoided or medicated.?

10) Be humble and don’t take yourself so seriously

I often find as people grow older and become adults they become more serious and less playful and this can negatively affect their happiness and joy.?

Speaking for myself, I naturally tend to be very serious and goal driven. I have tended to spend so much time thinking about my goals, my 5 year plan, personal development etc. and whilst this is admirable in some ways, it also means I don’t always leave space to play, have fun, embrace being spontaneous etc. which is a shame and can rob me of future great experiences and memories. A number of my life coaches and mentors challenge me during sessions when I am complaining about feeling like I am not making enough business progress fast enough, or feeling like I am falling behind in life, or being scared of turning 30+ etc. They always say when I am on my death bed, will my current fears and concerns really matter to me then, and in virtually all cases they won’t, at all. This humbles me.?

I tend to be pretty status driven so when people I don’t know or don’t respect give me idiotic, unsolicited feedback my initial instinct is to get angry, lash out on them and not to talk to them again, however now whenever a situation like this happens, I just think to myself ‘I am not that important’ and it immediately placates my ego and anger, which is a great outcome. It means I can get on with my day and week and not worry about strong negative feelings which would otherwise ruin my mood and week.

My mentors and life coaches highlight that life is a marathon not a sprint and it’s important to remember that realistically I will only achieve expertise or speciality or anything world class in my late 30s/early 40s onwards, so I may as well pace myself, enjoy the journey and have fun on this adventure of life, and not get too stressed out or irritable as I am developing my craft and building my life.?