10. How do you deal with life's every day occurrences?

The way we deal with every day, ordinary life occurrences says a lot about who we are. Our reactions to life—both internal and external—have a great impact upon us and gives others a perception about us.

Ask yourself: "Do I tend to overreact, either internally through thoughts and emotions, or externally through behaviours, to seemingly simple problems (e.g., long grocery lines - and then no toilet paper ;o), traffic jams, finding a car park, disagreements with co-workers, [insert your pet dislike here], etc.)?"

If so, these reactions could be adversely affecting your mental and physical health, your relationships, and your effectiveness.

Fundamental Question:

How angry or passive do I allow myself to be about the “little” things in life?

Amicability is related to control and self-image.  It is related to control in that being hostile or low in amicability can interfere with the sense of control over one’s life. In fact, people who consistently react negatively to situations feel very out of control as a result. They also tend to have a weak sense of who they are (i.e. a low self-image). They feel if they could just do enough, they’d really be somebody.

In his book Super Immunity, Dr. Paul Pearsall discusses hot- and cold-running behaviours. Analogous to Dr. Friedman’s “Type A/Type B” behaviours, Dr. Pearsall also describes a “Type C” behaviour pattern. According to his theory, both Type A and Type C behaviours are symptomatic of low amicability. Type A, hot-running people, are guided by the central view that they, themselves, are responsible for everything, and therefore feel they have to control everything. Characteristics include feeling hostile much of the time; comparing oneself to others; competing relentlessly; thinking impatiently; a restless mind; a feeling of not having enough time; very few really intimate relationships; and extreme impatience. To the people around them, these individuals appear driven.

They live in a constant state of alarm and frantically attempt to protect a narrow but precious view of themselves. Being hostile reduces one’s effectiveness significantly. It has a negative impact on relationships at work and at home—contributing to a further reduced self-image and sense of control.

Even though hot-running people are the classic Type A or “low amicability” personality, there is another type that deserves attention. Type C individuals exhibit none of the outward “hot” reactions but react internally instead. Cold runners feel powerless and experience emotional isolation. They can be overly conscientious, attempting to do everything just right. They have a mix of feelings, desiring to be loved yet feeling unworthy. They are distanced from their inner pain by their cold-thinking, impenetrable, intellectual defence system. Type C people behave stoically while sensing a loss of control. They receive very little positive information from their environment; everything is coloured dark by the filter through which all elements pass. Compliments, good news, or anything positive is filtered away with only the negative seeping through. This results in an even greater perceived loss of control. The effectiveness of Type C individuals is compromised because they believe that nothing they do will have any impact. They try less and less, and it all becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Behavioural Symptoms of Low Amicability

The following behaviours correlate with low amicability, although the need for amicability may not be the only cause of these behaviours.  Notice if you frequently exhibit any of the following characteristics:

• Think of things in terms of all or nothing; people and events are never “sort of” or “kind of,” but “complete” or “total” as in “complete fool” or “total jerk”
• Feel hostile much of the time
• Think about how to get more time, as if you can “own” it
• Drive yourself competitively, comparing yourself to others—even in little things, like the way you dress
• Think a lot about your responsibilities and feel you have more than anyone else
• Feel you have no time for intimacy
• Rush others as they speak; offer verbal encouragement to get them to talk faster or finish their sentences
• Feel angry at others that are in line ahead of you
• Feel enraged toward someone who has frustrated you
• A strong desire for closeness, but feel that you have never had it, even in your child- hood (cold-running/Type C)
• When out with friends, you assume everyone looks at and admires them instead of you (cold-running/Type C)
• When criticised, you think “It’s not fair, but what’s the use explaining?” (cold-running/ Type C)

“When something doesn’t go my way, I let go of my idea of how it should be, trusting that my mind doesn’t know the larger picture.”

—Elizabeth Rivers

Actions to Encourage High Amicability

Stop and think when you are feeling hostile. Ask yourself what thoughts preceded your hostile feelings. You may not be able to know at first. But keep examining them each time you feel this way. Soon you’ll be able to pinpoint them. Then ask yourself why you are having them. Also ask yourself what you are gaining from holding on to those thoughts and what you would lose by letting them go. Try letting them go and know that you will feel a period of loss no matter how positive a change this may be.

Change your “time” perspective. Try thinking about time as a limited resource of which everyone has the same amount. Do your part to manage it as effectively as you can; you might take a time management course if you have not already. But accept that this is the extent to which you can control it. Do your best and leave the rest.

Be less competitive. If you’ve been competitive all your life, you may have to begin with small things. For example, if you are competitive about the way you dress, begin to view it as an individual choice. Dress the way you want because it makes you feel good or it makes a statement about yourself that you want to make. Resist comparing yourself when you arrive at work. Think, for example, “I dressed casually today because I wanted to feel comfortable.” Make yourself stick to this reasoning. By being less competitive, it is meant to be less combative with others.

See the world in shades other than black and white. Begin with observing your language. Catch yourself when you use absolutes such as “complete,” “every,” “always,” or “total.” Substitute other words such as “often” or “somewhat” each time; soon it will become a habit. Your feelings will change too, and you’ll feel less hostile and defeated.

Examine your thoughts behind feeling enraged. Each time you feel enraged toward someone, examine your thoughts. Write them down. Are there patterns to  your thoughts?  Are they contributing to your feelings? They probably are. Try to understand that it’s not  the person you are angry with but probably some circumstance from the past about which you are still angry. 

Stick up for yourself (cold-running/Type C). Taking action is the best way to begin to make yourself feel powerful. If in the past you have been unable to respond when criticised, begin to practice responding. A first step is to imagine or anticipate a situation in which you are criticised. Imagine further what you would like your response to be. Practice saying it out loud to an imaginary person. Choose positive, non-defensive words. The next time you are in a similar situation, you will be much better prepared.

Always assume the best (cold-running/Type C).  This, like many things, takes practice. The next time you are out with friends, try assuming that people are interested in you. Also, look at the assumptions you make in general. Are they true, or are they a habit? Get rid of the ones that you feel are no longer helpful or true.

Let others finish their sentences. Resist the urge to finish other people’s sentences for them. Let them talk as slowly as they like. It will be difficult at first, but you will quickly form a habit. Practice really listening to what they have to say; concentrate on it. Your hostile feelings will lessen as you concentrate on them rather than yourself.

Article 1. What is Stress?

Article 2. It's all about the way we think!

Article 3. Thinking clearly Under Pressure

Article 4. How do you view your Self-image?

Article 5. Where is your Locus of Control?

Article 6. To what degree are you Self-Sufficient?

Article 7. How do you think of your past?

Article 8. How do you use your time?

Article 9. How do you feel about your future?

Content for these articles has been sourced from the Human Synergistics International Stress Management Programme conducted by HSNZ, which utilises the Stress Processing Report diagnostic developed by Dr. Robert Cooke. This programme is available as a public programme or as an in-house (modified if you wish) programme. Please contact me to learn more. All content copyright Human Synergistics International 2020.

Images are from the awesome crew at Gapingvoid Design Group - thanks team!