10 Hilarious New Year's Resolutions from Silicon Valley

Best wishes from Silicon Valley, where our DNA is enhanced with AI and New Year's resolutions are infused with Nobel Prize-winning science.

We might poke a little fun at Bryan Johnson in his Netflix documentary, but there's definitely value in science-backed resolutions. The former Silicon Valley entrepreneur’s approach focuses on measuring and optimizing biomarkers, including Cortisol—the stealthy force behind aging and the invisible director of your health.

Dr. Ioana Bina and I uncovered in our book Cortisol: The Master Hormone, that Cortisol plays a critical role in nearly every biological process. Like the conductor of a symphony, Cortisol regulates your brain and body. We spoke with leading scientists across various disciplines, and their research reveals that Cortisol is a driving factor in thousands of health issues and diseases. In our book, we connect the dots and uncover how Cortisol is the key to both Olympic-level performance and a healthy, long life.

Here Are The 10 Most Effective, Data-Driven Ways to Upgrade Your Life—Bryan Johnson Style

Lesson 1: Saunas and Cold Showers – Hormetic Stressors!

Cold? Perfect. Embrace the “destress through stress” principle, proven to boost resilience and lower Cortisol levels. Whether you’re plunging into an icy lake or sweating out your sins in a balcony sauna, you’re hacking your nervous system. Bonus: your neighbors will think you’re cool—or just plain crazy.

Lesson 2: Autophagy

Skipping breakfast? Congrats, you’re a biohacker! A keto diet and intermittent fasting reduce Cortisol spikes, but that’s just the start. As Nobel laureate Yoshinori Ohsumi might say, “Give your cells a spring cleaning with autophagy.” That deep clean kicks in after 72 hours of fasting. Want to take it seriously and reset your insulin receptors? Aim for 72–120 hours of fasting, but only under medical supervision. And let’s be real—fasting at an all-you-can-eat brunch buffet? Not the time. Science doesn’t justify rudeness.

Lesson 3: SIEze the Day – The Mindset Revolution

Stanford professor Alia Crum discovered that viewing stress as a performance enhancer transforms Cortisol from a foe to a friend. She calls it the "Stress Is Enhancing" (SIE) mindset. So, when your boss says, “I need those reports by midnight,” see it as a chance to prove what you’re really capable of.

Lesson 4: Sleep – The Auto-Update for Your Brain

Cortisol drops when you get 7–9 hours of sleep, allowing melatonin to work its magic. But if you’re up until 3 a.m. binge-watching The Jackal, don’t expect much melatonin help. Tip 1: Turn off the screens and treat bedtime like a garden—if you don’t tend to it, weeds will take over. Tip 2: Melatonin supplements won’t help if you don’t first manage your Cortisol.

Lesson 5: Measure Everything

Silicon Valley is obsessed with quantifying health, from watches to rings to hormone tests. Forget intuition; we trust Google Sheets. But don’t fall into "analysis paralysis"—it’s OK not to memorize your VO? max.

Lesson 6: Move Like the Legend Sifan Hassan

Olympians know the secret: Cortisol management is key to recovery and peak performance. Whether you’re a weekend warrior or training for the couch-to-fridge marathon, morning workouts keep your Cortisol in check. Olympic athletes like Sifan Hassan monitor their Cortisol because it’s crucial for muscle recovery, mental clarity, and achieving top performance.

Lesson 7: Visceral Fat – The Hidden Enemy

Trying to lose weight with elevated Cortisol? You might as well try swimming upstream in a hurricane. It raises blood sugar, triggers fat storage, and breaks down muscle, while the enzyme 11betaHSD1 releases even more Cortisol from fat tissue. Too much Cortisol leads to belly fat—the body’s annoying stress reserve. Fix it with diet, exercise, and—seriously—skip quick fixes like Ozempic. Your thyroid and pancreas will thank you.

Lesson 8: Fertility, Menopause, and Testosterone

Professor Sarah Berga found that even a 16% increase in morning Cortisol can cause infertility. Worse, Cortisol can leave traces in a newborn daughter’s egg cells, affecting future generations. During menopause, Cortisol worsens nearly all 144 symptoms by sabotaging the remaining sex hormones. And for men, Cortisol has been known to lower testosterone for decades. Tip: Balance your Cortisol—it impacts every stage of life!

Lesson 9: Longevity

Nobel laureate Elizabeth Blackburn showed that chronic stress and high Cortisol shorten DNA and accelerate aging. Besides time, Cortisol is the biggest factor in aging—but you can slow the process and pave the way for a longer, healthier life. Take Cortisol seriously—or wait until your blood pressure’s so high your ears whistle like a teapot.

Lesson 10: Your Heart

The famous Whitehall Study revealed that Cortisol is the biggest risk factor for cardiovascular disease—more significant than obesity or smoking. It raises blood pressure, cholesterol, and heart attack risk. Tip: Instead of popping 100 pills a day like Bryan Johnson, consult a doctor before hacking your Cortisol levels.

What’s your favorite biohacking strategy? Let me know in the comments—after all, sharing is caring.

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Sources

• Cortisol, the Master Hormone
• https://www.netflix.com/title/81757532
• https://academic.oup.com/jcem/article-abstract/91/4/1561/2843571
• https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0031938411005361
• https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/cortisol-story-sifan-hassan-queen-london-marathon-tokyo-wibe-wagemans/
• https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2013-06053-001
• https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/2130724