10 Habits That Died Hard for Me as a Woman

The #InternationalWomensDay went by last week but the dialogue continues. Here’s my bit as a tribute to #IWD2023 and the powerful theme #EmbraceEquity.

Living mindfully and consciously has been instrumental in coming into my own power as an individual. It gave me the awareness to break out of a lot of constructs that were imposed upon by society as well as shortcomings of my own personality.?

I’m a WIP and will remain so, because learning and growing never stops. Nevertheless, I’d like to share some behavioral patterns that were proving to be detrimental and had to be transformed to these…

1.Not expecting others to stand up for me

A parable from the Upanishads purports "A wife loves her husband not for his sake, but for her own sake. A husband loves his wife not for her sake, but for his own sake. Parents love their children not for the sake of the children, but for their own sake...Indeed, you must realise the Self. Hear it, reflect upon it, and meditate upon it."

One can derive meaning for life’s numerous aspects from the parable. The last sentence delivers universal wisdom, yet the worldly message is undeniably conspicuous. Each of us lives for their own being, our own journey in this world. It is in our best interest, then, to own it fully.

At times, I found myself standing alone in a room full of family and friends. I learnt, even as a child, that if one does not stand up for themselves, there might not be any other who does.

2. Standing up for myself even if that meant standing alone

The learning stood out for me, and I promised to make my voice heard. To make it bolder with time. Not only for myself but for many others like me. I also learnt that my voice needed sure feet as I spoke alone.

3.?Speaking up

I am an athlete and I love running. While studying at the University, at a relay race, a person had accidently blocked my running track due to which I had to pause and lost a few seconds. I assumed it will be officially accounted for and did not report it. Which never happened.

A good reminder of the lesson learnt earlier. Most people do not speak up. Hence, I needed to. We need more voices that speak with clarity.

4.?Calling out the wrong in a room full of people

In my country it is a mark of “good manners” to not speak up in front of elders and stay mute “respectfully”. It is outright unacceptable to behave the other way – speak up for yourself in the midst of and (God forbid!) against elders.

Even as a teenager, I observed and learnt that older people are human and a mix of good-bad, right-wrong, light-darkness. That few were “wise” and none absolutely so. That I must listen to my own voice, make my voice heard and not follow in “muted-mode”, as was expected. Because I saw that was harming many.

As an older adult this helped me value the voice of younger people as much as older ones. Because valuing a person’s voice demonstrates we value them. Because everyone is equally valuable. Because we shouldn’t wait for someone to get older to be or feel valued. Because at times a 5-year-old can be far wiser than a 65-year-old.

5.?In an argument, making my voice heard

I am a peacemaker by nature. I found myself voicing my opinion in lighter tones when in arguments especially when it took an aggressive turn. It took a lot out of me to continue to voice my opinion like I really meant it and not take the responsibility of diffusing the tension and aggression solely.

6.?Not ignoring my own needs versus others

Societal conditioning encourages this trait in girls. I too kept putting others needs before my own for a very long time. Till one day I felt a bitterness arise in me. It took me by utter surprise.

While we’re all supposed to co-exist by helping and supporting each other, it doesn’t work if our own needs are compromised constantly in the process.

“My theory is that we get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we want because we have never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we’re going to be one of those good things, better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good.” But, if you want to feel better, I’d like you to clarify what you would like people to do to make life more wonderful for you.”

― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

7.??Dropping toxic friendships and relationships

Not much needs to be said about this. If a new me was to become, it had to have a new and suitable setting. As with much else in life, this too is a process vis-a-vis an event.

8.?Procrastinating confronting people

Martin Luther King Jr. has spoken wisely on this.

"The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people."

"There comes a time when silence is betrayal."

To not betray myself came hard. It meant confronting those who did wrong…and be judged in turn by many others. The cost is worth paying.

9.?Saying No like I mean it

A plain No is perceived differently from a man as compared to a woman. A subtle perception but very real. I learnt to say No like a woman needs to.

10.?Building my tribe

The one thing I grossly underestimated the power of.

As I grew older, I saw the biases against women with greater clarity. It is unfortunate but women are judged (and in turn treated) harshly, by women and men alike. When they stand up for themselves, they are met with concrete resistance. They are constantly told what to do and what not to do. When they rise, they are told they cannot or should not do it.

Girlfriends and communities of equally woke women come as a great support system.

Then there are some habits that came naturally to me…

1.??????Taking responsibility of my person and life

2.??????Not blaming others

3.??????Being the first one to appreciate others

4.??????Valuing those who value me

5.??????Believing in myself

6.??????Healthy living

7.??????Managing my own finances

8.??????Investing in my own wellbeing, growth, learning and recreation

Which ones have you bridled so far and which are you in the process of tackling hands on?