10 Common Reasons Depression & Anxiety Are Tough to Shake

This post originally appeared as an original blog post at ty-hicks.com. See the full, original post here.

Anyone who knows me and the work I do with individuals struggling with mental health issues know that my chief goal forever and for always is to help people get lasting results in the shortest period of time.

This often means calling out some truths about the presenting issues that others are unaware of or are unwilling to face head on.

I'd rather you know the uncomfortable truth that helps you resolve your pain in the long run than coddle you with information that will keep you suffering for the long term. Fair enough?

One of those uncomfortable truths is that there are 10 specific reasons why people subconsciously cling to their problems. The keyword here is subconscious. People do not know that they are doing these things and that each of these patterns are reinforcing their depression & anxiety.

Before I share what these 10 reasons are that make these challenges so difficult to shake, I need to make a few very important clarifications.

Clarification #1) This list is NOT the definitive guide to understanding how to turn around these issues in full. It is simply ONE dimension that the real problem must be examined through.

Clarification #2) Depression & anxiety are not choices. They are subconscious patterns that become habituated over time. In the vast majority of cases, people are not deliberately using their problems to manipulate others or serve their own needs.

These 10 side benefits of despair become 10 ways in which those patterns can be reinforced over time at the subconscious level, which is the part of the mind that most powerfully controls our emotional and behavioral responses to our environment.

Clarification #3) The idea that people struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges are merely looking to get attention is a falsehood in 999 out of 1,000 cases. There are some genuinely pure attention seekers out there, but the vast majority of people struggling with depression mean what they say and are not attempting to manipulate others consciously.

With that out of the way, let's dig into the 10 most common reasons why we subconsciously cling to our problems.

10 COMMON REASONS DEPRESSION & ANXIETY ARE TOUGH TO SHAKE

People are very often perplexed by why they cannot seem to shake themselves out of their depression & anxiety. It feels like they have tried EVERYTHING, but they are still suffering. Why?

There are a few very important dimensions to answering that questions, but one of the most important is in understanding that there are subconscious side benefits to states of suffering.

Many of these side benefits help to meet very profound, undeniable needs that we all have as human beings. When people cannot readily perceive of an empowering way to meet their needs, they will use a disempowering way to do so.

In short, people will violate their own personal life values in order to meet their needs.

1. People can derive a sense of significance from having big problems. Have you ever been in a conversation and told someone about something you are struggling with and they reply with "Oh, you think that's bad? The other day I..." and then they go on to tell you about how inconsequential your issue is compared to theirs? Feeling significant and unique is a deeply engrained human need that we all have. When people do not derive significance from their work or their role as a parent or from some other empowering vehicle, they will find SOME WAY to become significant, even if it is through having the biggest problem in the room.
2. Suffering with a serious problem helps reduce guilt for any wrongdoing you may have committed. Not all depressed and anxious people have done something seriously bad in their life to another, but many have. But by being in a perpetual state of suffering, they are able to feel that they are paying the price of anything that they have done and that they do not need to feel as guilty. This pattern emerges very often when someone cheats in a relationship or loses a job.
3. Suffering attracts connection, love, and sympathy from others. This IS NOT to say that people struggling are simply seeking attention. See Clarification #3 above. However, the need to feel connection and belonging with other human beings is an intense need that we all have. We are the only animal in the animal kingdom that takes 18 years of parental love and care before surviving on our own. As infants, if we are not held and loved we literally can die. In short, if we do not connect meaningfully with others through our work or a social life, we will use our problems as a vehicle to connect with others. It's not fun to acknowledge, but it is a true part of the experience for many people.
4. Suffering perpetually justifies abandoning relationships. Many depressed and anxious people conflate the source of their issues with a bad romantic partner, which is often untrue. They believe that if they can simply get space from this other person (who very often is loving and supportive in many ways), that they will be better. Sudden changes like this rarely create lasting improvement because they've confused a presenting problem with what the actual source is.
5. Having big problems can become an excuse for avoiding obligations. Very often, people with depression and anxiety will avoid facing a major challenge and begin to believe that procrastinating will aid them in improving their mental health. This is very often another instance of mistaking a symptom for the actual source of the issue. You can become habituated to the certainty that a lifestyle of avoiding the obligation brings you. After all, if you were to actually get fully over your problem that would mean that you would have no reason not to face that big obligation that you have been avoiding. This can also be a reason why people avoid doing simple daily things such as cleaning the dishes, bathing, or doing laundry.
6. Suffering with depression and anxiety can be a way of punishing others. This is very common in situations where the depressed or anxious person is a child living at home or a partner in a romantic couple. In the more extreme cases, the person suffering may claim that the other person is the source of their suffering in part or in full. In less extreme cases, the person suffering still throws their suffering at the other person in moments of disagreement. The narrative becomes "how could you do that to me (or say that to me) when you know what I'm going through?"
7. Suffering makes it difficult for others to leave you. A common pattern for depression to emerge is in response to a partner that they believe will soon be ending the relationship with them. Leaving someone who is sick would make you feel horrible, so by prolonging the recovery it prolongs the chance of the relationship ending. This can also be a justification for adult children to stay at home that both the child and the parent will use to excuse the behavior.
8. Emotional suffering justifies addictions and indulgences. People who are struggling with depression and anxiety often use drugs, alcohol, or other methods of numbing such as excessive TV as a means to "help" their problem. They can believe that they are actually dealing with one issue by creating another or that they get a "free pass" from society or the others in their life because they are suffering.
9. Suffering can be used as a way to dominate others. People can use their suffering as a way to get their way. A common form of this is by exclaiming to someone that if they do one thing in particular, it will increase the suffering person's pain. Thus, it becomes a way to preclude others from engaging in certain behavior.
10. Depression and anxiety can become a subconscious part of one's identity. It is actually possible to eliminate "a pattern of depression and anxiety," but it is impossible to help someone who confidently exclaims that "I am a manic depressive." So long as you believe that you will be forever doomed with your problem, you are right. This does not mean you can just "flip the switch" in a moment, but it is true that if you continue to believe you will never fully recover, you of course stand absolutely no chance of doing so. The most powerful force in guiding human behavior is to remain consistent with one's conception of one's identity.

CONCLUSION

The bottom line is that people will violate their deepest life values in order to meet their needs. Some very critical needs that we all have are the needs to feel significant, to connect with others, and to have something that we believe in that gives us a sense of certainty about who we are, even if that central belief is disempowering.

When you fail to seek out and embrace empowering ways to meet these needs, you will subconsciously cling to disempowering ways to do so. When you become consistently reinforced with side benefits for suffering, it makes changing much more difficult.

This is not to say that because you are depressed or anxious that you are manipulative or a bad person. It simply means that they are human and will continue to engage in behavioral and emotional patterns that you become reinforced for, whether you know it is happening or not.

The quick, natural, and lasting path to full recovery requires understanding that all emotional suffering is a temporary, reversible psychological pattern that can be interrupted and replaced with the use of the right strategies.

How many of these 10 reasons apply to you? What side benefits have you unknowingly gotten from your problems?

If you're tired of who your depression or anxiety is making you become, it's time for a change. It's time to decide to learn the simple skills tens of thousands before you have obtained to truly eliminate depression & anxiety for good.

Get clear on the source of your problem and what areas are holding you back by booking a free 45-minute call with me today.