#1 - What Do You and Spider(-)Man Have In Common (Leadership-wise)?

This honors my twin obsession with film and leadership...in service of my addiction, my executive clients, and any leader out there who wants to mull on lessons to be learned!

Those who know me well, know I watch a lot of films - some might say too many. It's a power-down activity (apart from yoga). It feeds my professional addiction - pondering what makes us human and what makes some humans great leaders. (Helps with the day-job too!)

Spider-Man As A Leader. My first fictional leader of choice is Spider-man. Why? Because it's the Holidays, Disney has released its latest offering - Spider-man - No Way Home - and I've just watched it. Yes, I am a nerdy git.

You might ask - is Spiderman a leader at all? By my definition...yes, he is a leader...

A leader is someone who has followers.

A 'great' leader is someone others

choose and want to follow, repeatedly.

But is he a 'great leader'? Stoic no. Spiderman (and Peter Parker) has a difficult relationship with their 'followers' (and with themselves). Both have traits that get in the way of 'leadership greatness' and their ability to enroll followers and lead them consistently.

So, what can we learn from Spider-man's (Peter Parker's) and blindspots? Most leaders aim to achieve something, to succeed. 'Success' is personal. It depends on what matters to you.

The best measure of 'success' is

delivering on what matters most to you.

So what matters most to you?

Is it 'building a legacy', 'having a family', 'being a CEO', 'building something from nothing', 'making money', 'being famous', 'helping others', 'proving yourself', 'fulfilling your potential', 'gaining power'? Something else? Feeling content, loved, that you belong or are enough?

What really matters to Spider-man? Justice. Obviously. And belonging.

Justice. For Spider-man/Peter Parker I define this as an issue of 'what's missing on the outside'. Spider-man is driven to make things 'right' (ditto Batman, Captain America etc). It's a common superhero trope. And, in common with many 'real' humans who tread this path, fighting for justice is often about (over-)compensating for something (in life) that's gone very wrong. While no leader I know runs around wearing an expandible suit, very many try to fix the world around them. And many are driven by hurt.

Leaders for whom justice is 'their thing' often know what it's like to be on the receiving end of 'not fair'. They can feel deeply uncomfortable seeing others get 'screwed over'. They 'hate' injustice. It makes them angry and passionate. It matters to them. This can become a calling - their calling to 'fix' the outside world and make it 'fairer'.

What injustice has Spider-man suffered? Most obviously, the loss of his parents (orphans are very common in the superhero multiverse). The truth is, the injustice of this loss lives inside Peter Parker. It wasn't 'fair' that his parents were killed. It will never be 'OK'. It happened TO Peter - as a child. It was beyond his control. And, as a superhero, it's not surprising that he tries to regain control over his inner world and bring justice inside his control by 'saving the world from itself'. (Sadly for Peter the bigger battle - that he ignores - is saving himself from himself.)

What hurts and make us angry are the things that happen TO us over

which we have no control.

What's the message for leaders? If you can't find a way to 'integrate' the past 'injustices' you've suffered you may end up over-compensating and trying to make things right on the outside. You may achieve incredible outcomes. But your pain around injustice may remain.

To be clear, we all struggle to make emotional sense of what causes us pain. It's human. This is one reason that we have stories and heroes and leaders - to help us make sense of things. Often what hurts us drives us to try to 'make something better' - in the outside world.

Leaders tend to align their internal drives with real-world outcomes and enrol others in their cause. Their hurt acts as fuel. Often, despite their great achievements, they may still feel something is missing. Becuase solving something outside you rarely heals inner hurt.

Belonging. For Peter, this is 'What's missing on the inside'. As humans I believe, we're only truly content (happy), can fully reach our full potential, and lead greatly when we feel three things - love, connection, and belonging. Maslow's Hierarchy deals with human motivation and begins with physiological safety. I believe motivation is underpinned by psychological safety - inner feelings of love, connection, and belonging - self first, then others.

Many of us look to the outside world to 'fix' things when we feel lost on the inside. Being a great leader does not mean you have to love or connect closely with everyone you lead. It does meas building healthy relationships, and holding healthy boundaries, starting with you.

Whatever we are driven to solve in the outside world often shows us what

we need most on the inside.

Peter Parker wants to belong. He wants love. He looks outside for this. He wants connection but refuses to share his identity. He believes he can only claim hearts and minds as Spider-man and not as Peter Parker. He sees Peter Parker as defective. So he hides parts of himself.

What's Behind The Mask? What is Peter really hiding under his expandable red and blue suit? How does this affect his ability to be a great leader? Simple. Unprocessed pain. This is clear in every one of last nine Spider(-)man movies (yep, we're in Fast & Furious territory!).

Peter is a tormented soul. He is, pardon the expression - and it's a compliment in my world - a 'nerdy git who doesn't fit' (anothe common superhero trait). He's an innocent - naive, trusting, awkward, a 'try-hard' - who struggles to connect face-to-face. He's also a teenager, after all. He stands back, withholds, observes. He feels safer and better mask-to-face.

The irony? By doing all this he maintains his isolation and lack of connection. He hides most of himself, most of the time. Peter is just a 'nice guy' trying to 'do the right thing' and somehow doomed to lose out. Great story, flawed leader.

Not a great message about the costs of leadership. Or is it...? Depends what you take from it.

Take Off The Mask. Most superheroes are doomed to fail in relationships unless - BIG LEADERSHIP INSIGHT - they take off their mask, integrate and own their alter-ego. Iron Man/Tony Stark does this. Spiderman/Peter Parker does not. Notice how Iron Man exists in broad daylight (freedom). Spider-man spends a lot of time lurking in the shadows (trapped).

Taking off your mask is the metaphor for integrating your inner hurt into

your calling on the outside.

This means having the courage to be seen by the world as you really are ego + alter-ego.

What a great storyline. What is the one thing that the fictional public in superhero films is obsessed with? finding out who's behind the mask?

In the end, for poor old Peter, when his identity is revealed (thank you Mysterio, Spider-man - Far From Home) he gains a chance to figure out how to be accepted as he really is. He blows it. History is doomed to repeat itself - again. And it does. Repeating pain and loss.

SPOILER ALERT. Peter decides erase any memory people have of who Spider-man is behind the mask and keep identity secret. The noble idea...'to protect those closest to him'. But those close to him get hurt anyway. So does he. He loses his relartionships with MJ and his friends,. He loses Aunt May. Peter is left in bits physically and emotionally. Again. He repeats his failure to integrate who he is.

Get Vulnerable. It asks a lot of the public to someone wearing a mask. What are his motives? How can you follow a leader if you don't know who they really are? Imagine Boris or any world leader leading while wearing a mask (that said, perhaps they are...) We tend to respect people who are vulnerable and show us their full selves - warts and all. We feel safer knowing they're not perfect as long as they're honest. If bill Clinton had just admitted his affair vs lying about it...We fundamentally distrust people who wear masks and pretend they are 'invulnerable'. It's not 'human.'

No vulnerability. No followers. No leader.

For Peter history repeats. He keeps losing because - I humbly believe - until Peter Parker can stand up as who he really is - Peter + Spider-man - he's broken. Until he's comfortable with who he really is, he's doomed to keep losing the people he loves.

Responsibility-Hoarding. It's not common to have a real-life alter-ego. Spider-man seems only to get followers because he does things for them. Objectively it's not an 'equal' relationship. One could describe it as unsolicited help, rescuing, saving. While this is a noble cause - to help others out it can become unhealthy, especially where we enter matry territory. I mean where someone continuosly does things for others at cost to themselves and cause damage to those closest to them. There are other (healthier) ways to be a hero. Peter takes far too much responsibility for everyone else...and not for himself.

Uncle Ben's dying words were a bit of a curse, weren't they?

With great power comes

great responsibility.

(Although he can't claim provenance -- they date back to 4BC.)

One could equally say with too much power comes too much responsibility. If you have power do you have an obligation to use it? Taking too much responsbility is not a lgreat eadership trait. It has a tendency to disempower others. What about sharing power? What about asking for help? Peter struggles with both of these. And he repeatedly rejects offers of help. Instead he withdraws, withholds, avoids, goes it alone. Ironically he is given help in the latest movie - yay! Ironically, by versions of himself. And finally gets some sense of the belonging he craves...The metaphor is clear. Help comes from the inside first.

Help yourself, then help others.

Great leaders...

In summary - what can we learn from Spider-man/Peter Parker about successful leadership?

I believe great leaders...

1. Know the difference between what is done 'to them' vs what they do to themselves.
2. Know what's wounded inside and integrate it wisely so it doesn't (over)drive them.
3. Take off their 'masks' and are vulnerable vs overcompensating or hiding fears.
4. Know what matters most. Use their passion to design their purpose.
5. Are vulnerable, giving everyone else permission as well.
6. Befriend guilt and shame and let themselves be human.
7. Get help vs responsibility-hoarding.

This brings me to my questions for you - as a leader or day-to-day person...

1. What 'masks' are you wearing and why? (Hint - this is about how you want to be seen)
2. What do you stand for 'on the outside'? (Hint - what makes get 'angry' on the inside)
3. What loss, hurt, pain might this compensate for? (What caused your deepest pain)
4. What stops you taking off your mask, being vulnerable? (What do you fear will happen)
5. Are you afraid to let people see because you worry they'll reject or think less of you?
6. Does your fear of being yourself get in the way of relationships - at work (and at home)?
7. Would you feel safe following someone who was wearing a mask?

Trust me, as a leader, this is where the gold lies. It's where your leadership blindspots live.

If you let yourself admit what YOU need to feel 'happy' inside then - and only then - can you you set about getting it. And from there lead greatly and effortlessly.

What does Spider-man teach us about leadership? That the risk of not taking our masks off costs us everything. And life is too short to live this way.