1-800-NO-NO

"I told you I don’t need any more kitchen knives!" says the irate woman on the other end of the phone line. "But, ma'am, these can cut through blocks, nails, and even shoes," Andy points out. "In addition, if you buy two sets, we'll send you a third one for free. Not only that, but we'll include a couple of pillows ergonomically designed to make your sleep feel like heaven," he insists. "You're not paying attention, young man, goodbye!" and with that, she hangs up.

Andy’s colleague, Regina, is paying close attention. He has been training her since she joined "No-No," the telemarketing company, a few days ago. Regina, who recently turned 23, is tall and thin. Her beautiful black hair contrasts with her ivory-colored skin. It's difficult to tell, but behind her thick, bulky glasses she hides a pair of sparkly green eyes. She goes to work every day in baggy jeans and worn-out anime-printed shirts, hoping to go unnoticed.

Andy is the polar opposite of her. He's only two years older, but he's been the company's top salesman since he was hired. He's shorter than she is, has a beer belly, and has been losing hair for quite some time. He's naturally amusing, outgoing, and craves attention. No wonder his daily attire comprises runway-worthy items and the most unusual color combinations ever seen.

"I don't know how you can handle it," Regina mutters. "Handle what?" Andy asks perplexed. "The rejection. Time and time again. You've made hundreds of calls so far, always smiling and always happy. Most people will reject you right away, while others will let you go on and on only to dismiss you later in the call. And, of course, there are those who are nasty and rude to you." She comes to a halt and looks at Andy with fear in her eyes. "I don't think I'm up to the task. It hurts a lot when people reject me. I feel sick, I feel ashamed. It gives me the impression that no one wants me. I want to run and never come back. I want to hide.” she adds. "But you...you just let it go as if nothing happened," Regina says astonished.

We've all felt the sting of rejection. Actually, research from the University of Michigan shows that the same brain regions that become involved in the reaction to physical pain are activated during extreme rejection experiences. According to evolutionary psychologists, the explanation extends back to when we were hunter-gatherers living in tribes. Being rejected and potentially exiled from our tribe was effectively a death sentence for us because we couldn't survive on our own.

Now, the reason why some people can handle the pain of rejection better than others has to do with how the brain releases opioids. In a nutshell, they change the electrical characteristics of neurons, making them more difficult to excite and, as a result, providing pain relief. On the opposite end of the scale, there are those who are so afraid and averse to rejection that it has a significant impact on their everyday lives. According to Verywell Mind, people with high rejection sensitivity misread, distort, and overreact to what others say and do because of their worries and expectations. They frequently behave in ways that push opportunities and even other people away as they frantically hunt for indicators that they are about to be rejected. This behavior sets in motion a painful cycle that can be difficult to break.

Until recently, the risk of rejection was limited by the size of our close social circle, our tribe. Today, however, we can be connected to thousands of people via social media, any of whom can make us feel rejected. According to TED, this might not only negatively impact our mood and self-esteem but also cause us to become too self-critical. We call ourselves names, bemoan our flaws, and are dissatisfied with how we are. In other words, just when our self-esteem is at its lowest, we go out and damage it even more. Doing so is emotionally unhealthy and psychologically self-destructive.

Ryan Holiday argues in The Obstacle is the Way that overcoming our emotional response to rejection begins with changing our perception of it. This means seeing things as they genuinely are rather than how we've manufactured them in our thoughts. It entails staying objective. The easiest way to accomplish this is to eliminate us - the subjective component - from the equation. This is why, when we hear about other people's issues, we can retain our calm and come up with simple solutions. We take the situation at face value if we pretend that the rejection isn't happening to us, that it's unimportant, and that it doesn't matter. It's an exercise that requires practice. The more we practice, the better we get. The better we get at perceiving things for what they are, the more perception will work for us instead of against us.

Holiday proposes that how we understand events in our lives, our perspective, serves as the basis for our subsequent response. We often react emotionally to rejection, allowing fear to interpret it as a threat to our well-being. We then make mistakes, become reactive, and lose our ability to think rationally. We react to the survival hormones rushing through our veins, not to what we need to react to. However, our safety is not genuinely jeopardized here. Just because our mind tells us that something is dangerous doesn’t mean we have to agree. It also doesn't mean we have to fix ourselves simply because we believe we are to blame for being rejected. When it comes to perception, this is the crucial distinction to make: the difference between what is within our control and what is not. Fear is for us to handle; other people’s actions and opinions are not ours to change.

"Would you like to know the secret to getting over rejection?" Andy inquires. "Yes, certainly!" Regina responds eagerly. "A few years back, I stumbled on a video on YouTube that transformed my life. Jia Jiang, who later wrote the book Rejection Proof, purposefully sought rejection for 100 days in order to desensitize himself to the hurt and shame that it entails. He discovered many essential lessons along the way, which I will share with you. First, rejection and failure are not synonymous. Rejection is simply another person's viewpoint. It’s highly influenced by his or her personal qualities, historical environment, and psychological characteristics. It frequently reveals more about the rejector than the rejectee, and it should never be regarded as the universal truth and final judgment of merit. Second, rejection may be used as one of the most powerful motivators to drive our desire to succeed. It aids in the development of mental toughness in preparation for higher challenges. Third, being rejected might be beneficial at times. Many of us need to go through difficult experiences every now and then to understand we need to make significant changes in our life."

"I see," Regina says contemplatively. "Above all, don't give up," Andy continues. “The game includes challenges, seatbacks, headwinds, failures, and, of course, rejection. They are both normal and required. Remember that if you get enough rejections, a no can turn into a yes. So, put yourself out there, be persistent."

A year has passed, and boy, how things have changed. Regina now considers rejection to be a regular part of life. She concentrates on remaining objective, suppressing her fears, and staying resilient. She’s strong, self-assured, and empowered. Her fresh attitude has helped her rise to the position of top saleswoman at No-No, where she is now a junior manager. Her achievements make her feel proud of herself and hopeful about what overcoming rejection will mean for her in the future.

Andy couldn’t be happier for Regina. He has witnessed the change from a shy, insecure trainee into a confident, self-assured woman. He loves seeing her in action, speaking to clients with conviction, and turning a no into a yes. In fact, he loves seeing her at any moment. He’s often mesmerized by her, stumbling whenever she speaks to him and trying to hide his true feelings for her. Today is no different. "Ehhh...Regina...do you have a moment?" Andy asks, his voice trembling. "Sure, Andy," she says, "what's up?" "Well, I've been wanting to ask you if you would…I mean could…sorry, if you'd like to go out with me sometime?" he asks, hoping the earth will swallow him whole. Then, complete silence for a few seconds. "What took you so long?" she says, smiling. "Well, I was scared you would reject me," he says. Regina then takes his hand in hers, looks him in the eyes, and whispers into his ear, "Let me share with you something a person I'd like to date once taught me; put yourself out there, be persistent."

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. October 1, 2022.