015: Spotlight Effect, Relating as Leaders, Communicating Effectively

?In case we haven’t met - my name is Narayan Kamath.
I am an Executive and Leadership Coach.
I help Engineering/Technology leaders multiply their impact, enjoy greater
career success and feel more fulfilled          

Hello from Bengaluru!

I didn’t shake hands with the CEO of the world’s third largest company because of a bowl of soup.

15 years ago, I attended a meeting addressed by our CEO, after which we stayed for lunch and an opportunity to meet him and introduce ourselves.

During lunch, as I was walking back to my table,? a bowl of soup slipped out of my plate and landed on the carpet, creating a mess.

I could feel the entire room’s eyes on me as I gingerly picked up the bowl and carried it to my table.

It was hardly 20 meters away, but it felt like a mile!

I silently left the hotel, and walked back to the office, because I couldn’t bear that feeling.

Later that afternoon, I bumped into a group of my peers who were discussing how the CEO seemed genuinely interested in each person he met. One of them asked, “Didn’t see you at lunch. Did you skip it?”

The next day my manager said he had seen me walk out during lunch and asked if everything was OK. He too had not seen my misadventure with the soup bowl.

I wondered how that was possible. Hadn’t I made a spectacle of myself?

Evidently not!

Much later I learned about the “spotlight effect”

In psychology, the spotlight effect refers to the tendency of people to overestimate the attention others are paying to their behavior or appearance. They feel they are in the spotlight, and at the center of everyone's attention.

Truth is, nobody is paying attention to you, because they are too busy thinking about their own stuff.

The feeling we have of being scrutinized by all eyes in the room is just a perception, not grounded in reality.

And yet, it has a real impact on how we behave.

Like I missed the opportunity of shaking hands with my CEO.

Or a friend who quit his job and moved to another city after his divorce, because he didn’t want people’s sympathy or blame.

We are the center of our own universe, so we assume others are as interested in us.

That we are constantly in the spotlight.

We aren’t. They don’t. There's no spotlight.

So, stop worrying and start living.

Leadership is a Relationship

Whatever else it is (or isn’t), leadership is first and foremost a relationship between a leader and their people.

And like all relationships, this is a relationship that is easily taken for granted.

It is therefore important for the leader to focus on how they relate with their people.

While we are always relating with people, much of this is happening unconsciously.

Given the importance of the relationship, it is useful for the leader to be more conscious and more intentional about how they are relating.

Here are 5 things that you can intentionally focus on in your interactions with your team to make sure you are constantly improving and deepening the relationship

??Make sure they feel heard.?

Listen attentively and actively. Reflect and paraphrase to show that you’ve heard them and understood them.

? Involve them in the decisions that matter to them.

To the extent possible, aim for an Adult/Adult rather than a Parent/Child relationship, no matter how benign a parent you imagine you are.

? Invite them to share their ideas before coming in with your own.

No matter how open or democratic you are, the power dynamic is such that once you say something, it is difficult for your people to

? Accept their solutions if they are feasible.?

Even if you have a slightly better idea. Marshall Goldsmith reminds us that by tweaking their idea, we might add 5% of value, but their commitment might drop by 50%

? Genuinely appreciate their contribution.?

Find reasons to appreciate people. Catch them doing good. But make sure it’s? genuine - because if people suspect you are doing it for effect, it doesn’t really count.

These are just a handful of behaviors you can focus on to intentionally build and deepen relationships with your team.

What are some of the ways you show people you value your relationship with them?

???Update : Unleash Your Leadership Community

While newsletters such as this are great for keeping people informed, they offer limited opportunities for true dialogue and meaningful conversations amongst all members. So, we are looking for a suitable platform to offer a community experience to all our subscribers.

Stay tuned for further announcements here

In the meantime, if you have any ideas or suggestions for what you would like to see in this newsletter or community, please leave a comment below and let me know. I read and respond to every comment personally.

7 Tips to Elevate Your Communication

Your leadership is only as impactful as your communication.

Communication is vital in every aspect of leadership - from setting direction, aligning, inspiring, informing, motivating, giving feedback, coaching, teaching and directing

Here are 7 tips that will significantly improve how you communicate:

1?? Choose the right medium

There are many ways in which you can get the message across: in person, in groups, over a call, video conference, email. Each has its advantages and each can seem inappropriate in some contexts.

2?? Learn to Listen

People assume good communication is about speaking well. Or writing effectively. That's true - but an even more important aspect of communication is listening well. Listening actively. Listening beyond what is said.

3?? Be Clear, Not Clever

?In school, and in life we celebrate what is clever over what is clear. Whether it's stand-up or an avant-garde film or modernist literature. That's entertaining. But in business we're looking for effectiveness, not entertainment. So clear wins every time.

4?? Get the mix of Concept-Context-Content Right

To make sure your message lands completely, you need to share the message (concept), the meta (the context) and the material (the content) in a proportion that is just right for the person or people you are communicating with.

5?? Use Jargon Strategically

Best to avoid jargon in mixed company. Like when you're delivering that TEDx talk or investor conference. Except when you're with your own people (tribe) - then use it liberally. It's a badge of membership, and increases connection.

6?? Mind Your (Body) Language

Yes, it's not just what you say. It's how you say it (tone, volume, pitch), what your face, body, posture and movement suggest as well.

7?? Balance Advocacy/Inquiry

Mix things up by throwing in some questions. At the least, it will tell you if they're still listening. And if you do it well, they'll think you're a great communicator.

These are some ways in which you can change how you communicate for the better.

Which of these will you try today?

End Quote

To end this edition, here's a quote I've been pondering on this week:

“Live in the world but don’t be of the world. Live in the world but don’t let the world live within you. Remember it is all a beautiful dream, because everything is changing and disappearing. ” ― Osho

That's all this week! Thanks for your time.?

??

Narayan

PS: When you are ready, here are some ways we can work together to amplify your impact:

1. Grab a free copy of my?Deliver Through Others Checklist?-?It’s a useful summary of the key principles to working better with and through others—?Click Here

2. Work with me privately?-?If you are an Engineering/Technology leader aspiring to evolve into an inspiring and impactful Business Leader, let’s talk! Set up a no-obligation?exploratory call?with me -?Click Here