015: I Am Good Either Way

Feel like a question is forming

And the answer's far

I will be what I could be

Once I get out of this town

Lyrics from Gone by Pearl Jam

I don’t know about you, but every significant experience in my life has a theme song tied to it. I can hear a particular song and get immediately transported to the feelings, the intensity, and most importantly, the version of myself at the time of that experience.?

The song Gone by Pearl Jam that I quoted above already owns a moment in my story, but because the lesson wasn’t quite learned back then, it now has the same significance to THIS moment in time.?

As some of you know, I lost my baby Joshua on December 3, 2019. My little angel baby led me on a spiritual journey that awakened me enough to discover my purpose in this existence. A little less than a year after I lost him, I birthed the idea for FindUniquelyU.com and started to really enjoy life as I built the business virtual brick by virtual brick.?

That was when things started to get uncomfortable with my husband. He didn’t understand the business idea, but it didn’t matter because I still held a job, and because I fought for equal pay to my male counterpart, I was making well into six figures. My husband didn’t care what I did on the side as long as I was bringing in the money.?

Because my heart and mind started opening, I became aware of his behaviors that I had previously accepted as being OK, but they were not. Not coming home for dinner to see the kids but rather going to his mom’s house and letting his dinner at ours get cold. Coming and going as he pleased or not being reliable about being there to watch the kids when I had something to do. I became aware of the little things that were just making life uncomfortable for me, but I kept my mouth shut and poured my heart into raising my kids and building this business.

In October 2021, we moved into a perfect home for our family, and two weeks later, now that my salary was no longer needed to get the mortgage, AND with some invested money to keep things smooth sailing, I told him I needed to quit my job and give this business everything I could. I promised him (my bright-eyed entrepreneur hopeful mistake) that we would be making money within six months.?

I gave my job six weeks notice and December 3, 2021 (now coined “Joshua Day”) was officially my last day at that company.?

I asked my husband to help with the finances of the business. I even dubbed him the CFO, but he didn’t have the time, didn’t understand our concept, didn’t offer guidance. For a guy who was so concerned about our finances and managing money was one of his greatest strengths, he clearly had no interest in helping me succeed.

So I proceeded merrily along and built our MVP, and we launched on June 26, 2022. We weren’t exactly rolling in the dough, but at the time of this article, we are still afloat, and that is awesome in my opinion! But just because the BUSINESS is afloat, that doesn’t mean that I am bringing in six figures.?

Last year this time, things started to get really uncomfortable with my husband.?

He no longer thought my little business was a viable idea, and he became resentful of everything about it. I couldn’t talk about it without receiving eye rolls. Every time I shared an achievement, he couldn’t celebrate with me. So I stopped sharing things with him. All he wanted me to do was to go get a full-time job, so he could be comfortable again. He believed in his heart of hearts that I was taking advantage of him as he worked hard and supported the family.?

Thankfully, his nature is to be passive aggressive, so there was no outright anger, but the tension has been undeniably palpable, and our five year old son’s behavior has become reflective of it.?

We tried couple’s counseling this past summer, and we came to the compromise that by October 2023 (right now), that I would get a full-time job if things didn’t improve for the business.?

If he were open to listening, he would hear about all the great work we are doing. But he can’t hear it. And most important of all, our son Christian has been suffering because of the tension.?

Something had to be done.?

All last week, I really chewed on finding the best case scenario on how to relieve some tension in our home. I came to an arrangement that I truly believed was in everyone’s best interest with the hope that by releasing marital expectations, we could co-parent and co-habitate as friends and possibly try to rekindle what we once had.?

On Friday morning, we sat at the kitchen table, and I proudly presented my solution.?

My husband kicked it so hard to the curb, let all the anger that he had been holding back spew out of his mouth and told me he wasn’t procrastinating and he wanted a divorce.

To which I said, “Alrighty then.”

I don’t know about you, but I can’t help but play through all the different scenarios at any given crossroads, so this was something I had considered as an option, but it was really farther away than I envisioned.

So when he said he wanted the divorce, I was honestly relieved because now there was a clearly defined path for me to walk, and now I could make decisions in accordance with this path.

I honestly would have been good with any scenario except the one that has me throwing in the towel on my business ventures and getting a 9-5er.?

I understand that I am only one player on this team and can only control my thoughts and actions.?

The last time I was in this rodeo, I lacked worthiness and let my starter ex-husband walk all over me.?

This time, I am not looking to rake anyone over the coals, but I will make sure that my kids and I have our needs met. This time I am empowered and worthy.?

This time, I am choosing ME. And…

No more upset mornings

No more tired evenings

Lyrics from Gone by Pearl Jam

I will be vlogging this experience in real time. Feel free to connect with me if you would like to chat about your relationship experiences. Ubuntu!

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If you like what you read here, you'll love my book which chronicles the first year and a half of my journey into entrepreneurship. It's full frontal, exposing all my rookie mistakes.?Check out?Uniquely U. Update # 52: The Birth of a Bright-Eyed Entrepreneur?by?Angela DiMarco?(that's me!)