014: I Am Aware

Awareness is the first step towards healing (“Ooooh, I am irrationally responding to this situation because I am remembering that traumatic event.”) To really kick fear’s ass to the curb, you have to have the willingness to get yourself back on course by doing whatever it takes.

If you’ll indulge me, I want to take this opportunity to chew on an experience I had last week.?

Last Thursday evening, a good friend of mine was reading my book and sending me some play-by-plays, which any author can tell you is super awesome for a long time. He took a picture of a passage and sent me a story about my then 3 year old’s febrile seizure, one of the single most terrifying experiences of my life. The passage he sent was about my courage and my telling Fear to F the F off after we were on the other side of it, but unbeknownst to me, the feeling of that day crept into my present day, two years later.?

As I was getting my son ready for school the following morning, I noticed that he was a bit off, like on the verge of getting sick, so I took his temperature, which was normal, and dropped him off at his school. But as we were walking, I just had a nagging suspicion that something wasn’t right. I got in my car, and the song Faithfully by Journey was playing, a song from one of my guardian angels letting me know everything was okay.?

Still, I worried.

Instead of scooping him up and taking him home ‘just in case’ he was ill, I got home and phoned the school nurse and asked her to check in on him to make sure he was okay. I rationalized that if anything were to happen to him, he was surrounded by a bunch of professionals who would keep him safe.?

But I still worried, and it was becoming distracting.

So, I did what I always do when in a jam such as this and called Dana. (Seriously, everyone needs a Dana.)

I had the awareness that my thinking was irrational and that I was triggered from Geoff reading that story in my book, so I explained the situation and told her that I couldn’t see past my fear to make a rational decision on what to do.

Instead of telling me not to worry and blow it off because she was well aware of that night two years ago as she was my one and only phone call (yes, traumatic events are just like being in prison), she asked me to close my eyes and to breathe and to internally ask myself if Christian was in any danger.?

My internal response was a resounding ‘No. He’s fine!’

Then she confirmed that she believed he was fine as well.?

Because I was keenly aware that I was triggered, I walked myself through the rational steps I had taken to empower myself in this situation, thus grounding myself and discharging the fear.?

I had called the nurse, who called me back almost immediately to say that he had no fever, but his teacher did say he looked lethargic (nothing to be concerned about there). I told her I would come pick him up if anything changed. I mentally prepared myself to do just that should the need arise. And I understood that if indeed Christian did have another seizure, he would be taken care of, and he would be safe, and I would only be 5 minutes from him.?

Fake crisis was averted, and I proceeded to have a wonderful work day, almost forgetting about the whole incident. He was a happy camper coming off the bus too!?

What I wanted to hash out here was how that trigger snuck in under my radar. Just the mere mention of something from that day brought me back to square one with my unresolved trauma.?

It took me almost a year to not give Christian Motrin the minute he felt slightly warm on the forehead. I stopped carrying the ‘just in case’ medicine on me just a few months ago. I believed that these examples of moving on were a testament to my healing, but that fear is a bitch and it is still there.?

PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is really a thing for me as it is likely a thing for anyone who goes through a trauma. Even though Christian was fine in the end, I thought I was losing my boy, and that feeling of that day has the ability to shroud my decisions in the present moment with irrational behaviors and responses to stimuli.?

Awareness is the first step towards healing (“Ooooh, I am irrationally responding to this situation because I am remembering that traumatic event.”)?

To really kick fear’s ass to the curb, you have to have the willingness to get yourself back on course by doing whatever it takes. For some people, it may be seeing a therapist or communicating with someone they are mistreating due to their irrational reactions. For me, it’s picking up the phone and calling my Dana and saying, “I am aware that I can’t see this situation clearly, and I need help.”

PSA: Febrile Seizures are very common in young children up through age 6 and are predominantly hereditary. They come on with a sudden and drastic onset of a fever and they are the body’s way of protecting itself from brain damage. If you see a young child having a seizure, make sure they are in a safe position and call 9-1-1. And do not put anything in their mouth! They cannot swallow their tongue, but they can bite off your finger, and that could cause worse problems!?We *almost learned this the hard way!

I just want to take this moment to shout out to the Staten Island, NY emergency responders who helped us through this ordeal. From the highway patrolman to the EMS team to the staff at the Northwell Health Staten Island ER, we were in the most amazing and compassionate hands. They were our angels and my boy was safe.

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If you like what you read here, you'll love my book which chronicles the first year and a half of my journey into entrepreneurship. It's full frontal, exposing all my rookie mistakes.?Check out ?Uniquely U. Update # 52: The Birth of a Bright-Eyed Entrepreneur?by?Angela DiMarco ?(that's me!)