Where’s the Tension?

Tension exists in our daily routine more than many are aware of. Not to be confused with stress, tension is our own physiologic and emotional state in relation to how we balance the influential forces at work our lives. We bring tension into every situation, as does anyone we interact with.

All our relational interactions are naturally fraught with everyone’s own tension.

Tension does not mean every interaction is a ticking time bomb, where one inappropriate comment or insensitive statement triggers an explosive argument, although it can and has. Instead it is important to be cognizant that the combined tension of involved parties will define the effectiveness of any discussion.

When we are happy, feeling accomplished, or on task, chances are quite great we will enter an interaction open and upbeat. Similarly, if we have had a rough day, odds are our mindset will likely be closed and dark. We have the ability to lift others up when we feel good, to be brought down by others with a stronger command of their shadowy tension and be defensive around people with which we have had prior adverse experiences.

It is in these tensions that conversations ebb and flow and the communication dynamic, how we hear, receive and respond to what is being shaped is defined.

This is the reality of tension. While tension is largely an interpersonal dynamic, there is also tension between departments, groups, and teams, as well.

It is not a question of whether there is tension, there always is; rather, the question leading into solving a problem or a dispute is to identify: where’s the tension, what is behind it, how it is influencing outcomes, and how to we deal with it?

When entering into a coaching or planning session, the second question asked, after “what do you want to accomplish and why?” is “where’s the tension?”

Relationship or communication tension is often the result of some type of disconnect resulting from expectations not being met. Most interpersonal communication tension is the result of unmet expectations: not being heard, not being respected, a broken promise or commitment, deflecting responsibility, lack of recognition or simple dishonesty.

It is natural for us to expect people to do things a certain way. Ironically, it is normally reflective of how we would do or say something. When expectations are not met, emotional behaviors such as frustration, anger, disappointment, resentment, distancing, or poor communication all become the tension. Relationship or organizational tension is determined by how we feel and respond when expectations are not met. Left unidentified, such tension can have a lasting, adverse influences on performance, culture, communication, and collaboration.

Getting to the core issue of any situation requires the process of identifying and understanding the tension. Most problem solvers look at an issue, how it has manifested itself into an issue, identify how to fix or correct the problem as they see it. Unfortunately, that merely addresses what the problem is, not why the problem exists, or the tension within it, resulting in a temporary fix and rarely a permanent solution.

Solving a problem, not just fixing it, requires a deep understanding of the tension, including the perspectives, experiences and influences of all participants. This helps bring clarity to the sources behind the problem and the opportunities for addressing the issue. Less time is wasted with repeated short-term, reactive fixes and a more permanent change or improvement is put in place.

Next time you go to tackle an issue, avoid fixing the problem until you have confidently identified and understood where the tension is which has created it and solve from there.