“I'm Terrified I'll Say the Wrong Thing!” 3 Solutions to Try

An anonymous reader wrote in and asked, paraphrased:?

“Can you touch on being anxious in conversations because you're terrified of saying the wrong thing, giving the wrong impression, or hurting someone's feelings? Ninety percent of what I say gets mentally rewound multiple times and usually found wanting if not downright unacceptable.”

This reader knew exactly where her anxiety came from: when she was a child, her mother would monitor her conversations with adults and tut-tut her with criticisms and corrections afterwards.?

Yikes. Talking to adults as a kid is nerve-racking enough. Add a critical parent telling you all the ways you're doing it wrong; no wonder social anxiety sprouted for our dear reader like dandelions on a lawn.

Therefore, for all of us who want to stop the in-conversation “mental rewind,” here are 3 things to try:

1: Focus on connection rather than performance.?With social anxiety, we often think we have to?earn?approval through exemplary social performance. We think that making zero mistakes is key to being accepted and liked.

But is that how you choose your friends? Are you drawn to people who make zero errors?

Or do you choose your friends based on how they make you feel and how they treat you??

Therefore, instead of monitoring conversation for potential faux pas, focus on connecting with your conversation partner. Get to know them, share about yourself, even be a little vulnerable by sharing small weaknesses or problems. You'll connect on a human level rather than straining to be a superhuman with zero struggles.?

Big asterisk: this is not a one-and-done. Your brain will get sucked, as if by a powerful vacuum, back into the mental checking. You might have to turn away from focusing on performance and back to connection dozens of times, which is totally expected. It's how brains work. Just like your heart is designed to beat and your sweat glands are designed to perspire, your brain is designed to generate thoughts, even when they're unhelpful, like, “Oh no, what if he thinks I told him his haircut looked great because I thought it was ugly before?”?

If your brain sucks you back into the rewind, it's just because it's trying to keep you safe. Say “Thanks, brain,” and turn your attention back to what you?want?to focus on: human connection.

2: Challenge the rule of,“My conversation has to be 100% perfect to be bare-bones acceptable."?In social anxiety, we often set the bar for an “adequate” conversation at “perfect.” We have zero tolerance for error. We set up a tiny sliver of possibility for success, and a wide gulf of probability for failure.?

And yet. Would you teach a child that they can't make any conversational mistakes? Do you expect people you care about to communicate 100% clearly, all the time? If you wouldn't hold anyone else to such a rigid standard, perhaps it's time to relax it for yourself.

How would you characterize a realistic conversation between two actual humans, as opposed to two automatons with a fixation on social niceties? Mostly clear and reasonable, but with room for a couple of derailed trains of thought, some long “ums,” a handful of misinterpretable phrases, and that one joke that nobody really understood. There. Much better.?

The bottom line? Whatever margin of error you decide on, it can't be zero. And that wiggle room makes all the difference in lowering the pressure and therefore, lowering anxiety.?

3: It's not what you say, it's how you say it.?Words are only a tiny part of communication. Dr. Albert Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles, built a career out of analyzing three elements of conveying whether we like or dislike someone (not?all ?communication, contrary to popular media ). A full 55% of conveyance of like/dislike comes from our facial expression, while tone of voice accounts for 38%. Our literal words? A mere 7%.?

Therefore, if others read us as warm, open, or friendly, they'll likely extend us a measure of grace even when our words are slightly off.?

Focus on connecting with the other person rather than monitoring your words, and you'll come across as more authentic and likeable, not to mention feeling less anxious and more comfortable.

DR. ELLEN HENDRIKSEN is a licensed clinical psychologist and anxiety specialist. She is the author of?HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. ?She serves on the faculty at Boston University's Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). Find free resources at?ellenhendriksen.com .