What leadership can teach us about motherhood (& how that can lead to a more peaceful family life).

We spend a lot of time talking about the challenges of fulfilling these multiple roles in life. Perhaps less time spent thinking about how they can each help with the other.

This morning was day 5 million (it felt) of having to chase my boys to get ready for school – EVERY step of the way. Has he washed his face? Has he eaten breakfast? Are they clean pants? Have you cleaned your teeth? Where are your shoes? Have you got your PE kit?

It feels like groundhog day, because it is. And in those tired, frustrated moments, it feels like it will always be this way – cleaning teeth feels like climbing Mount Everest, especially when you know you have to do it all again at bedtime and then the next day…you get the picture. It’s exhausting just reliving it now

Recently, as I integrate my work with mothers and women leaders more and more, I have started to change how I approach these things at home. Both boys now have a list on their doors of every step needed to get ready. Next to each item is the consequence for them if its not done. I am not talking about rewards charts (we’ve tried too many to mention over the years) or punishments. I mean the ACTUAL consequence for them – rotting teeth, a diet of only soup in old age, having to explain at the school office why you are late, a grumpy stressed out start to your day (and grumpy parents), having friends notice you don’t smell too good or have a dirty face. The natural consequences. It works – to a point, but it still takes them time to realise that they need to get on task in the moment. ?

So, today, listening to my youngest throwing a ball against his wardrobe door rather than get dressed (20 mins before our drop dead latest time to leave the house), I walked calmly into his room and asked if he was consciously choosing to sign in at the office, rather than be in class on time. Even then he wasn’t concentrating, so just once I repeated myself and asked him to look at my face while we were speaking. He understood the question, then said he didn’t want that. So, I left his room reminding him that every step was on his list and that I knew he could do it.

The ball banging continued. OH! MY! GOD! It took every fibre of self control not to go in there again and start chasing and reminding him. My husband came up the stairs and I knew he was on his way to do the same. I calmly called him and asked very respectfully if he could come into our room right away. He was puzzled but he came. I explained that I was trying to detach from our son’s outcomes (we’d already agreed that approach) and wanted us to catch each other when we default to autopilot, the chasing and reminding. He appreciated the reminder, and admitted he was on his way, feeling frustrated and about to let that show, probably by raising his voice.

We both have strong responsible sides, wanting our kids to be a positive reflection of our ‘good’ selves – do the right thing, be on time, wear the right stuff etc. But, we have come to realise that all the chasing in the world doesn’t teach them anything – except how to get stressy and start the day in a funk. And, it’s a lot of pressure to bear in childhood.

So, today we agreed that if he was late and had to go to the office to sign in, it might not be a bad thing for him to experience. There were only 10-15 minutes left at this point and he was still in last night’s pants. The little monkey managed to pull himself out of his ball throwing trance and got ready. He packed his bag with his running kit, collected his lunch bag and water bottle and was ready to go. We couldn’t believe it. By holding back, keeping calm about the time and being prepared to let him ‘fail,’ we’d all had a more relaxed morning and we walked to school happily instead of being stressed and frustrated.

And, while gritting my teeth not to intervene, I realised that we’d never micromanage our teams in that way, so why do we tell our kids to do things 15 times and then end up bursting with frustration? It’s because, at work we are operating consciously, knowing what is good leadership and what isn’t.

So, are we saying then that we allow our worst selves out at home? Sadly, often yes. Same as the kids do when they’ve behaved well at school all day. We slip into automatic pilot and let ourselves be driven by fear, panic and frustration without stopping to consider what we are actually afraid of. So, he’d be late. What do I worry will happen as a result of that? Will his reputation be tarnished forever? Will his education be shot to pieces from one late mark? Will the school think we are awful parents? Will he be emotionally scarred by having to face his own consequences? Unlikely!

So often these unconscious thoughts and fears make us do things we wouldn’t normally do – in all parts of life. The challenge is to start noticing that and asking yourself – ‘what am I actually worried will happen here?’ and then really listen to the answers. They are often rooted in something old, a situational reaction that is being triggered by the present moment. I know it was a big deal in my family home to be late… shock horror!

If you worry too much what other people think, or you know you nag and chase your kids to the point where you feel like your head could burst – not to mention that you then have a day’s work to cope with and other people to interact with.. ?OVERWHELM!!!?You are likely in survival mode. Your nervous system is ramped up as if it was screaming ‘BEAR!’ to keep you safe…ALL THE TIME. ?You don’t have to live that way. We can retrain your brain to find the safety, and to let go of some of the outcomes you are clinging onto so tightly.

One last thing – find a ball or a round piece of fruit. If you’ve got this far – please try this:

Hold in it one hand and squeeze as hard as you possibly can (yes it could get messy), and hold it for as long as you can bear it. Notice all the areas of tightness and pain it creates. That’s a sign of what living in survival mode does to your body. When you let go, notice the relief, but also that the pain takes a while to subside. If you are holding on that tightly to every aspect of life, to your kids outcomes as well as yours – you are doing that to yourself and (I’m really sorry to say this) to them too. You are teaching them that is what life needs to be like.

When I talk about being a leader at home and at work, this is what I mean. Being conscious enough of your own patterns to choose something different for all of you. If not, they will hold life that tightly too and they will suffer like you do from all the effects of that.

I’d like to help you learn a different way.

Nicky x