On dealing with passive-aggressive coworkers

When working with others, it’s inevitable to find disagreement or conflict.

When a coworker happens to be aggressive in their approach, it’s unpleasant, but at least you know what you’re getting.

When someone is?passive-aggressive, it’s far more insidious and challenging to deal with, because they don’t necessarily show you how they truly feel or what they’re saying behind your back.

Passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace creates tension, destroys productivity and generally leads people to hate their jobs.

Here are a few ways to manage yourself and others when impacted by such behaviors at work.

THE SETTING

What does passive-aggressive behavior look like?

Typically, we see indirect communication (or even absent), masked resentment, and subtle obstructions.

Some examples include:

Silent treatment: avoidance, non-responsiveness.

Backhanded compliments: ex: “you presented well today, good job, especially because I know you hate speaking in public.”

Sarcasm:?leads to misunderstanding but also a sense of bitterness.

Sabotaging: missing deadlines intentionally, adding obstacles.

Bad faith agreements: saying yes in one setting but going around to others to build consensus against the agreement.

Withholding information: purposefully not sharing input or data.

Complaining and circumventing: never going to the source of the issue; they would rather create drama than solve the problem.

Exclusions and cliques: intentionally leaving people out while emphasizing how special a group is.

THE PRACTICE

First of all, know that dealing with passive-aggressive behavior is?really hard.

It is one of those dilemmas that makes people eventually leave companies, because being surrounded by such people can make you feel like you’re the one going crazy.

It also can feel like you’ll never be able to get your work done if they don’t somehow become more aboveboard with you.

So, first work on your?mindset.

For instance, lean into your innate emotional intelligence. Know that passive-aggressive behavior stems from their own fears and insecurity. Consider empathy for their underlying feelings.

Also, think about how you can look?within?first, and offer ideas based on what you can control, to change the situation.

For instance, instead of saying, “You always ignore my emails," start with I statements:

"I noticed that you haven't responded to my emails and I was concerned if I should connect in a way that suits you better. What do you prefer?”

You can also try to work at building trust by explaining your desire to create a deeper connection beyond work.

The hope is to let them get to know you better and vice versa, in order to thaw out the ice between you.

Then once you get your mindset at peace,?try some scripting?that addresses the behavior in productive ways.

Sample scripts:

Silent treatment: "I've noticed you've been quiet since our last meeting. If something's bothering you, I hope you’ll feel comfortable to let me know."

Backhanded compliments: "I appreciate your feedback, but I felt that your last comment was a bit ambiguous. Can we discuss it openly so I can understand your perspective better?"

Sarcasm: "Your email earlier had a sarcastic tone. Perhaps that wasn’t your intention, but I want to make sure I'm understanding you correctly. Let's chat about it, because I also want to make sure I'm clear with how I come across."

Sabotaging: "It seems that deadlines have been a challenge recently. I’d like to talk about your workload and whether our timelines are manageable."

Bad faith agreements: "I sensed some inconsistency between our meeting and your subsequent actions. If you have concerns, please share them with me directly so we can address them together."

Withholding information: "It seems that we were missing some information in the last phase. What do you suggest we do to have clear communication channels and ensure that everyone has what they need?"

Complaining and circumventing:?“I can understand that this is a frustrating situation for you and everyone. If you can come to be directly to share your concerns, I think we’ll have a better shot at finding a solution.”

Exclusions and cliques: "I noticed that [colleague's name] was not included in our recent discussions. It's important that we include all relevant team members. Let's make sure to invite them next time."

THE IMPACT

The payoff of managing passive-aggressive behavior is pretty high.

So as difficult as it is, it’s worth trying until you feel like you’ve exhausted all possibilities.

Some of the benefits include:

Improved communication: breaking down barriers for better cooperation.

Increased productivity: many studies show a correlation between cooperation and output.

Strengthened relationships: Often people find that on the other side of the conflict, more supportive connection emerges.

Enhanced leadership skills: You can build your resilience and adaptability at an elite level by working through these behaviors instead of fighting or avoiding them.

Healthy culture: Eventually weeding out such behavior helps create positivity for everyone else.

Give some of these a try and let me know how they work for you.

How I can help you:

• I have a free weekly newsletter called Enviable, sent to thousands of subscribers every Monday with tips on achieving personal excellence and quitting the comparison trap (once and for all). You can sign up here .

• If you are interested in executive coaching with me, feel free to?visit my programs page ?to learn more or book a working session.

Nihar Chhaya is an executive coach to CEOs, C-Suite and VPs at the world's top organizations.

Among?fewer than 5% of coaches?worldwide, he holds the?MCC credential (Master Certified Coach)?from the?International Coaching Federation?and was named in?Harvard Business Review, "one of the top coaches in the world."

He brings over 25 years of business experience and leader development technique backed by strategic business training at the world’s top institutions:?(Wharton MBA, Columbia MA, Georgetown BS).

Nihar is also a frequent contributor to?Harvard Business Review, Fast Company and Forbes?on leadership and was invited by Marshall Goldsmith to join his cohort of top 100 global coaches.