Joan's story

- I started out as a shy, sensitive child, feeling really different from my peers, and feeling like I didn't fit in with them at all. I was bullied throughout my childhood and adolescence, and that didn't make things any better. It just made things a whole lot worse. And I would look over at my peers and see them all hanging together and laughing and appearing so confident, but I surely didn't fit in and feel the same way that they did. And the challenge is, even if I stood next to them, confidence is not contagious. So from a young age I really wanted to understand what it took to be confident, because clearly it wasn't something I had at the time. And as I got into my professional life, a second question surfaced. I wanted to understand what made it so difficult to experience and move through unpleasant feelings. As my career has progressed, what I've come to understand and believe is that the answer to the question about unpleasant feelings actually answers the question about confidence. In fact, it's the key to confidence. And one aspect of my professional work is centered on one's ability to experience and move through difficult feelings. I will describe these feelings and the approach to dealing with them in later episodes. But what I want to focus on now is to tell you that what I've learned after more than 30 years of conducting psychotherapy and consulting with others is that your capacity to handle difficult feelings is the foundation of confidence, and resilience, and also living more authentically. Let me break that down. Think about this. I define confidence as the deep sense that you can handle the emotional outcome of whatever you face or whatever you pursue. While you may be concerned and dealing with certain events or situations themselves, such as a conflict with a colleague or asking your boss for a raise, what I actually found is that one's real concern has to do much more with actually facing the emotional outcome of those events or those situations or circumstances. And when you know that you can handle unpleasant feelings regardless of whatever circumstance you face, then you feel more confident across the board. This same ability to experience and move through difficult feelings is a foundational aspect also of resilience. So this idea that you can bounce back from change or from loss. And the same ability is also part of what helps you live a more authentic life. So if you've been in the habit of shutting down or ignoring or distracting from unpleasant feelings, then you are trying to shut out genuine feelings you have in a wide variety of situations. As a result, you aren't being as genuine and as authentic about your own life. And likely then, you are not being as genuine with others. Even others with whom you may feel close. So as we move into the rest of this course, start by considering how much you allow yourself to experience and move through unpleasant feelings. Consider, too, whether ignoring these feelings is making things better or worse, or whether handling these feelings ultimately helps you deal with challenging situations much more effectively.