What do they need?

- Often when people disagree, they spend a lot of time talking about their point of view and how wrong your point of view is and how they want you to agree with them. But they seldom talk about what they really need out of the conversation. One of my favorite quotes around disagreements is by Jim Rohn. "Always be willing to look at both sides of the argument. Understanding the other side is the best way to strengthen your own." I love this because in every disagreement there are needs that often don't get expressed because people are too busy disagreeing. I can remember being involved in a disagreement as a third party who was asked to help them talk it through. As is always my pattern, I try to observe first in order to get a sense of their communication styles. The first 30 minutes consisted of both of them talking over one, another venting, and insisting on being right, neither of them was talking about what they needed from the other person. That's because most people assume they know why the other person is arguing with them. So they never ask the important question. What's the question? "I know what you believe, but what do you need from me in this conversation?" Well I bet you're thinking, well, that's a silly question. They obviously need you to agree with them, but that's an assumption. Throughout my work, I've heard many different responses to that question. Here are some of them. "I need you to really hear me." "I need you to understand where I'm coming from with this." "I need you to take me seriously." "I need you to listen without arguing with me." "I need you to respect me and my right to disagree with you." "I need you to apologize for making fun of my opinion on this topic." There are more, but I think you get the point. Now, if you ask the question too early, you most likely will hear them say, "I need you to agree with me." That happens when you ask it before you've had a real chance to make your points and understand the places in which you disagree. But asking the question further into the disagreement coupled with an opportunity for both of you to be silent and reflect can get you the deeper responses, like the ones I just mentioned. Once you find out what they need, you can share your needs, and the two of you can start to work towards them. You will find that this often deescalates the tension and moves past whether you or they are right and moves toward learning from this disagreement. So next time you're in a disagreement, try asking this question midway through. You may be surprised at what you hear.