Qualifiers

- A qualifier is a statement or a question that puts just a little pressure on the other person. And usually that pressure is about living up to something you've asked of them. It's not meant to make people feel uncomfortable or judged in any way. It's just something that shows them that you have standards or specific things you're looking for, and that you're casually, respectfully, and usually with a smile, checking to see if they live up to those. In short, a qualifier is something that asks the other person to brag about themselves to you. When you ask questions or make statements that inspire others to do that, they tend to subconsciously feel like they're trying to win you over. And the tension comes from whether you'll like and approve of what they tell you. When you do, that tension becomes very positive. Qualifying questions, ask people directly to tell you something positive about themselves, their skills or their situation. Anyone who answers that question by speaking positively about themselves are qualifying themselves to you and experiencing positive tension. Qualifying statements tell people about what you value. Anyone who either confirms that they are or have those things, or who mirrors you and tells you that they value those same things are qualifying themselves to you. You'll notice that people who are both charismatic, and who seem genuinely welcoming, and interested in other people tend to do this a lot. Let's come up with some examples to try to make this as clear as possible. Let's say that you are talking to someone who you might want to spend a significant amount of time with, whether that's in a friendship or relationship as coworkers or whatever. A few examples of questions you could ask them to qualify them could be something along the lines of, "So if we end up spending a lot of time together, what do you think I'd appreciate most about you?" Or something more specific such as, "On a scale from one to 10, how reliable would you say you are?" Or maybe, "So are you focused and productive or easily distracted?" In some cases, we also want to lead up to the qualifying questions with a compliment. This will help make it less confrontational or demanding, and encourages the other person to give a positive answer. So you might say, "Hey, you seem pretty smart. What would you say are some of your best qualities?" And as mentioned, we can also do this as statements. So we might say, "I tend to work best with those who are focused and productive." Or, "I usually only surround myself with people I know that I can rely on." Again, if the other person either mirrors that statement or tells you that they fit that description, they're qualifying themselves to you and experiencing positive tension. And this is also a technique that you can practice with basically anyone, anywhere. So start doing it with the people you regularly talk to. The more you practice this in situations where you're already comfortable, the easier it will be to use it when you need it the most.