Well being: caring for self and others

India is going through the second wave of Covid19. The stress, fear and heightened anxiety are palpable in all of us. There is grim news all around us. This of course, is an unprecedented crisis. We all want to cope better, prepare even better for the future, and lead more peaceful and meaningful lives. The first stage to work through this crisis, keep our calm, and continue dealing with minor and major ups and downs in the future. This is where subjective well being comes in.

The concept of 'subjective well being' has been much researched and written about. It points to the fact that even in the most adverse of conditions, we can survive and cope as human beings, and come out better for the experience.

Research dating from as far as the World Wars tells us that even in the toughest circumstances, some individuals are able to thrive and survive, while others dis-integrate physically, mentally and emotionally.

The most important part however, is to appreciate is that no two of us are equal. Everyone’s circumstances and inner engines are different. Different individuals respond differently to the same stimulus. But we can shape our own response to stress, adversity and crisis in positive ways by building small, sustainable habits.

In the last few weeks, I have gone back to the concept of well being for myself and those around me. The reflection and conversations have given me 5 practical behaviours and 5 things to do everyday. And these habits can help each of us be better able to manage our negative emotions, be happier and more fulfilled, also contributing to others in a positive way. More important, they can keep us calm, empathetic and balanced. These 5+5 potential habits are built on the concept of subjective well being so let's delve into that a bit more. These are simple and easy to do, but more important, we tend to fall away from them when overwhelmed. So a gentle reminder helps.

 The work of Arthur C Brooks explains the concept in three simple to understand 'equations'.

EQUATION 1: SUBJECTIVE WELL-BEING = GENES + CIRCUMSTANCES + HABITS

Genes are given and circumstances change, the focus has to be on what habits we have built for ourselves-around work, people, productivity, daily routines. That can give us the maximum leverage, and that is where we have significant control. 

EQUATION 2: HABITS = FAITH + FAMILY + FRIENDS + WORK

Faith here is about having a longer term purpose. Those who do not have a purpose, are more likely to be a victim of short term circumstances and unhappier with every small down. And of course, our communities and relationships are what give us strength, it is proven enough. 

EQUATION 3: SATISFACTION = WHAT YOU HAVE ÷ WHAT YOU WANT

This is what all spiritual and other leaders have been talking about, even in our religious texts. The more limited our wants, the more likelihood of meeting our expectations. It is the gap in want vs have that often leads to disappointment and consequent dissatisfaction.

So here are my 5+5 behaviours and things to do everyday that could help subjective well being for self and contribution to others well being.

The Five Personal Behaviours (you don't need anyone else for it)

1. Spending time with oneself in the quiet: Do it anytime, anywhere. Get rid of all the distraction and sound around oneself. Early morning is best but other times work for people. It settles the mind, helps concentration and slows down breathing. There are many names to it, and many techniques available to help you do this.
2. Read, Write or listen to music: This is not only helpful for calming nerves but brings a better sense of focus on one's own senses. Done with intent, it helps breathing better, balance and a sense of control, especially in crisis.
3. Change something around you everyday: It could be a screensaver, some stuff on your table, a bedsheet or the placement of books on your shelf. Spending 15-20 minutes everyday doing this gives an inner control and helps our sense of purpose and happiness. Many people languish into inaction in crisis and this is a habit that gets one moving and about.
4. Walk or run : This of course is exercise and good for health but deliberate running or walking keeping in touch with your breath has many benefits. There are substitutes of course.

The original mindfulness teachers talk about walking on grass barefoot in a slow deliberate way to enhance wellbeing and sense of control.

1. Cook, paint or do something creative: This is one of the best habits to build--it's fun and at times can involve others as well. I know people who do 5000 pieces puzzles, or cook a new dish periodically or just do kaleidoscope. It's good for the motor movements, brain activity and nervous system.

The five things to do everyday (there is another person or people in the equation)

1. Take a pause before speaking : This is the most difficult one for many people. Not processing deliberately between stimulus and response often has unintended consequences.

More important, just holding on for a few seconds before responding has certainly helped me (and many others) become more empathetic, understanding and help increase acceptance by others.

1. Speak to 3 people everyday (video calls are best): It could be family, friends, employees, anyone who is part of your network. Showing that you are there, connected and they can reach out you in times of need is greatly contributory and meaningful. A five minute chat can mean the world to someone. I tend to pick people who I don't get to see very often in person.
2. Send out a positive mail (or use any other medium--what's app, instagram etc): There is lots of negative stuff to share. Sharing one positive story or message goes a long way in supporting others, and importantly does each of us a world of good as well. Sometimes it is just a picture or video of a positive human emotion being expressed is often great to share smiles and warmth.
3. Have a deep conversation with at-least one person: It could be a co worker, your children or someone in the community. What matters is that you are fully into it and completely immersed. It could relate to a task, trying to help someone with a particular thing or just an office project. The deep immersion helps each of us get a sense of "flow" and take away from the many distractions and negativity. This can well apply to engaging with a task instead of someone else as well. The key is the deep focus. (check out https://www.ted.com/talks/mihaly_csikszentmihalyi_flow_the_secret_to_happiness?language=en)
4. Laugh with your family, friends or any others: I find that this is a neglected space. A meal together, a game together can generate conversations and laughter collectively.

Doing something very close to basic human nature (food, frolic, sharing) in a small meaningful community of close ones uplifts us like nothing else. We have a ritual of playing Scotland Yard or a similar game in the family.

This 5+5 rulebook is a simple one. But we forget many of these as we work through tough days. My learning has been : the tougher the crisis and the days, the more important these habits and behaviours become. Almost essential in helping us stay balanced and taking care of ourselves, so we can also care for others.

Bimal Rath is an author and entrepreneur. He is interested in and supports the coming alive of human potential in all his pursuits. To get a hint of his professional work in "helping organisations leverage their talent better" visit thinktalent.co