So Far But Yet So Close

Eight years ago, a young woman from Cambodia came into my life through a program that brings female high school graduates from post-genocide countries to the US for their college education. The objective is not only to help them learn, grow, and thrive in the United States during their education but also to become the next generation of leaders in their home countries at the end of their experience abroad.?

For Sreileak and me, what began as a mentor-mentee relationship blossomed into so much more.

It started small.

As I did with my own daughters, I met her at the airport and helped her shop for dorm supplies. Together we picked her classes. We commiserated over acne, challenging social relationships, and the price of Starbucks.

Over the holiday breaks, she joined us at the Thanksgiving table, on the family ski trip, and during a summer hiatus. During her junior year abroad, I visited her in London, and together we had high tea, went to museums, and took her friends to dinner, just as I had with Lauren and Ciara.

Before we knew it, I referred to her as my third daughter and she called me her “other mom.”

But as she prepared to return to Cambodia to start her next life chapter, we began to talk about the differences she’d face on her return. One of the big ones was the more traditional family and Cambodian cultural norms that were far removed from the Western life she had been living. That would be a big adjustment.

Her mom wanted her to marry the young man she had approved of before she left for school and to abide by her parents’ decisions about how her life would unfold. Stuck in the intersection of an American coming-of-age and a Cambodian desire-to-please created deep angst for her.

It created angst for me as well.

From my American perspective, I struggled with the realization that she wouldn’t be the boss of her life in the way I am accustomed to.?

In the coming years, when she told me her love story - how someone she met through work had completely swept her off her feet but that her mother was unwilling to accept him - I felt protective of her… and angry at her first mother. How could this woman who had traveled halfway around the world, excelled at school, thrived in multiple foreign countries, built friendships and developed big dreams not have the autonomy to pursue them in every possible way, including having a life with the person she loved?

If it were me, I would have lost my shit.

But Sreileak was more measured and well-rounded than I was and spent two patient years and countless hours of skillful negotiation to wear down her family’s resistance and help them build a meaningful connection with her beloved.?

Finally, their desired marriage was approved.

A wedding invitation arrived for David and me with basic translation from Kmer to English, and we began our own adventure to witness this special moment.

Cultural differences beyond language were evident early.

I picked a traditional Cambodian dress to be made for me, choosing a navy velvet from the photos of options that were sent. Why didn’t I realize that the humidity would be at 100% and temperatures would be nearly 100 degrees as well? Bad choice, that velvet.

Then I saw that the ceremony began at 6:30 am, with music, a parade and the presentation of offerings from the Groom’s family to the Bride’s. The morning would last through lunch, with an afternoon outfit change and then a resumption of festivities. Wrist tying, ceremonial hair cutting by the elders, blessings by monks and so many more rich traditions were on the program.

Just as Sreileak had never seen snow before she arrived in the US, these would be very unfamiliar experiences for us.

Like her, I didn’t have trepidation about the new experiences. I was excited.

But I did have concerns about how Sreileak’s real mom and first family would receive me.

Would they feel I had corrupted their daughter with Western values??

Would they be threatened by our intimate mother-daughter relationship??

I threw a small engagement party for Sreileak the day before her wedding, and her mother, as well as her sisters, declined to come.

I saw this as a bad sign.?

Imagine my surprise on the morning of the wedding when not only were we gleefully greeted at 6:30 am by the bride, groom, and wedding party but were welcomed with literal open arms by her parents.

Sreileak’s mom and I didn’t have one shared word of common language between us, but just standing together on that auspicious day and looking each other in the (teary) eyes made us see all of the commonalities we had… and how much greater they were than the differences.

Most of all, we both loved Sreileak.

Through their gestures and smiles, authentic hugs and knowing nods, we were immediately welcomed into their world as more than guests. We said so much to each other without needing to say a single word.?

We were welcomed as an extension of their family, just as we had welcomed Sreileak into ours.

Instead of sitting in the audience, we were given our place of honor on the stage along with the other sets of parents and relatives for the entire morning service. We learned about Kmer traditions by watching and mimicking how to tie the traditional ribbons on their wrists, and how to circle our hands in the correct rotation around a candle passed from one family member to the next. We participated in the hair-cutting ritual and the blessings. We all watched the monks bless the couple while sipping bubble tea.

In one day, we went from worlds apart to being part of a family bound by love for their shared daughter.

It started small but ended up bigger than we could have ever imagined.

When have you found common ground on foreign soil? This trip felt like such a perfect metaphor for our ability to come together even if we start far apart.?

Share it Small: If you can think of a time when you found common ground, celebrate it and tell others about your misperceptions and surprising resolution. You might play a role in helping others learn how to do it too.

Share it Big: Say it out loud. If you were judging someone different than you or had negative expectations that were proven wrong, own your mistake and celebrate your learning! Each step of evolution shows a healthy growth mindset!

Share it with Me: We all learn from each other. If you have had a revelation, a breakthrough, an insight, or a triumph, we can learn from you, so please tell me about it here! I'm collecting stories of these cascades of good for ongoing community building and to track The Parlay Effect in action. I would love nothing better than to hear how you lifted, were lifted, or observed something in others that made you feel good and recognize your own power.