Can We Communicate Strong Opinions Without Offending… Can We Agree to Disagree?

In today’s world, the short answer is unlikely. However, I believe we should all strive for open communication – especially differing perspectives – to gain a better understanding of ourselves and others. In communicating, the tone and delivery are as important as the message or opinion itself.

Thought provoking messages, ideas or subjects lead to strong opinions. Should we have a border wall in the Southern US? People will immediately divide into one of three camps: people who agree, people who disagree and people who are undecided (Note, I am not asking this question – it is only an example). No matter how someone answers this question, someone is bound to be offended. In today’s divisive world, even silence can offend some people.

So how do we have conversations and debates about interesting topics today? When I was at university (many moons ago), we were encouraged to discuss and debate different sides of a topic. I remember having a healthy (at times heated) debate on the death penalty. The debate and disagreements were good… the group came away from the discussion with different views on the subject. Note that the discussion had rules of engagement – no one got angry or hostile – the goal was not to change anyone’s opinion, but instead to provide as many perspectives as possible to broaden everyone’s understanding of the subject.  After all, how do we decide on an opinion without different vantage points of the facts?

My group of friends is far and wide. And where there are vast differences in people, there will be differences of opinion. Those who know me have heard me say that we are all “wired” differently. My view is that our wiring comes from our personal experiences, our family upbringing, and our exposure to the world at large. How comfortable we are with conflict is part of our wiring. I don’t always agree with each of my friend’s point of view, but I do value the diversity of perspectives and feel it provides me the opportunity to get to know them (and myself) better.

Why do disagreements of opinion tend to lead to hostility in today’s world? I go back to tone and delivery. Delivery affects the message. But more than that – most of today’s communication is done electronically. Anyone who has taken a course in communication is aware that words are only part of communicating a message – it is the body language, mannerisms, voice, and inflection that set the tone of the message. Electronic communication should be used for informational purposes, because your tone cannot be conveyed electronically, and your words can (and will most likely) get lost in translation.

Even in face-to-face discussions, it seems that everyone is shouting or interrupting each other. Where did civility and manners go? Demeaning and/or intentionally hurtful language does not belong in a discussion or a debate. The content of your opinion should be worthy without the need to demean someone else who may not agree.

Are those who are most threatened by differences in opinion insecure in their own? I admit, I am not too bothered when someone disagrees with my opinion. In fact, I like hearing an opposing view as it makes me look at the idea or subject in a new and enlightened way. While I can be quite passionate about a subject (#oilandgasindustry), and I love a good discussion, I don’t feel the need to defend my opinion because it is personal to me.

Having a discussion – or a debate – on a topic should lead to increased understanding. Isn’t that the purpose – whether or not you agree or disagree?  Here are my tips to a having a good and meaningful discussion:

• Be open minded
• Listen — don’t interrupt
• Be respectful — leave hostility out of the conversation
• Don’t feel obligated to change the other person’s opinion
• Stop the discussion when it becomes ineffective or undesirable
• Agree to disagree

My challenge: Listen to someone who holds a difference of opinion from you today. What can you learn from them? Will their point of view open your mind to another way of looking at a particular topic?  I would love to hear from you…

 Special thanks to Maureen Iglesias, friend and phenomenal wordsmith.