I caught a member of my Sales team masturbating at work. I promoted him on the spot. Here's why. I was in the bathroom cubicle next to him and could hear him. Instead of being angry, I was curious so I kicked open the cubicle door and asked "hey buddy, what turned you on today?" He was shocked at first but then admitted "I just made a big sale and it made me feel good." This is the pure passion I want from every employee of mine to feel for work, so I made him my Deputy Head of Sales (the previous one seemed to never masturbate at work at all.) He was elated at this news. I gave him a pat on the back and said "ejaculate away, sir." Since then I've been keenly watching who takes bathroom breaks. If your job isn't turning you on at least once a week, why are you even working?