The Onion

Here's Why I Decided To Buy 'InfoWars' Via our parent company Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce Tetraeder: Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice. All told, the decision to acquire?InfoWars?was an easy one for the Global Tetrahedron executive board. Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic “panic” and growing steadily ever since,?InfoWars?has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can’t even put a man on the Moon. Through it all,?InfoWars?has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron. No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of?InfoWars?(a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars. Make no mistake: This is a coup for our company and a well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over. What’s next for?InfoWars?remains a live issue. The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into our philanthropic efforts that include business school scholarships for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators, and a new pro bono program pairing orphans with stable factory jobs at no cost to the factories. As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the?InfoWars?warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal. All will be revealed in due time. For now, let’s enjoy this win and toast to the continued consolidation of power and capital. Infinite Growth Forever, Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO

Today’s Historic Front Page:

For months,?our editorial board has agonized over this momentous decision. Initially, we’d hoped to publish our endorsement on June?27, 2024, in the hours after Joe Biden’s first televised debate against Donald Trump. Then, we’d hoped to publish it a few days?later, following Biden’s highly anticipated July 5 interview with George Stephanopoulos. Now, we are finally doing what we should have done months ago: Buck tradition, put our reputation on the line, and take a position that?The?New York Times,?The?Washington Post, and other?so-called “papers of record” are too cowardly to even consider this late in the election. Lest readers doubt the value of our endorsement, we ask them to remember 2016, when voter complacency almost put?Hillary Clinton in the White House before?The Onion?stepped in.? Joe Biden may be young by Washington standards, but he’s packed a lot into 81 short years. He’s fought hard for working Americans, be they on the factory line or on the board of Blackstone Group. He’s stood up to everyone who threatened this great nation, from Vladimir Putin to Anita Hill. And he supports women and minorities, based on that seemingly random lady he chose to be his?vice president. And so?The Onion?humbly requests that on Nov. 5 you remember our editorial board’s courageous,?measured, and well-reasoned endorsement of Joseph R. Biden. But if, for some incomprehensible reason, this fails to resonate with the?American public, we will be proud to endorse Asa Hutchinson as a backup.

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CHICAGO and ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA, April 25, 2024?– International megacorporation Global Tetrahedron announced today it has successfully acquired all of the assets to America’s Finest News Source?, The Onion, Inc.?, in a vicious but fair hostile takeover. Global Tetrahedron will immediately assume all of the staff of The Onion, Inc.? and fold the team into the day-to-day operations of its broad portfolio of companies, properties, and other semi-illicit activities. Global Tetrahedron is a privately owned company based primarily in St. Petersburg, Russia; Guangdong, China; Riyadh, Saudi Arabia; Tycho Crater, Luna; and Madison, WI. It is a subsidiary of Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries and Polymer Injection Group.