Shay Rowbottom Healing

I approached strangers in South Beach, just to ask them this question: "Can you name 10 things you love?" Of course, many could answer. Few, (only one to be exact!), could give me the answer I was looking for. How long would it have taken you? #Shayshine ??

I bullied myself relentlessly. I created this "professional" brand in an attempt to shield my true self from the world because I couldn't dare face the shame I felt about who I truly am. An animal.

I am so unfazed in sharing so much of my personal story. I don't care. People take life way too seriously. We come, we live, we die. We're all likely to be dead in 100 years - and whatever universe exists beyond this plane will go on and on... like we were never even here. If you can really take on this perspective, you can become fearless in the face of exposing your true self. And actually, help others in the process. I attract people who feel safe with me because, I am honest and I put myself out there. It makes them reach out because they know I won't judge them. They know deep down they also have something they want to share and say, and so it works great. I love that because I am open, and deep- I tend to attract clients who are also incredibly deep and interesting people. Often with a story to share, one they need support & encouraging to help them get out. Moral is: If you don't like the energy you're getting back... check what it is you're ?????????????? ??????! Do you want clients who are attracted to ?????? ????????... Or to the ???????? ??????? #Shayshine ??

Nothing more frustrating than getting sober... only to feel like I'm even ???????? ???????????? than before. At times I question why I am even attempting to live without substances, without a relationship, as the insecurities that plague me deeply become even more apparent and painful to live with, all alone and in silence. Sometimes I think life was better while medicated. At least I was numb. At least I could "fake" confidence and didn't have to actually face how damn foolish I feel all the time. I grapple with this idea of "being the best" and "pushing myself to the absolute limit" by putting myself in discomfort, over and over again. Seeing how long I can really endure the pain. Having faith that it's a transmutation process that my future self will thank me for. That I ???? ???????????????? ?????????????? ???? more deeply than I ever imagined. Then again - there's much wisdom to be found in friends of mine with similar traumas, who don't make themselves wrong for needing a vice. Who instead focus on what gives them peace ??????. Not betting for more, later. Whether it's a beer, a joint, or even a moderately codependent relationship in which living with that person ???? ???????? ?????? ???????? to survive... the more I go down this journey, the more I really do have respect for those choices. & I laugh at myself. Why am I doing this? Why am I making everything so damn challenging. Lighten up Shay, have a drink. Go on a date. Perhaps again one day, I will. But the question I keep coming back to is, "how long can I endure?" I suppose I find peace in knowing, it's always there in case I really need it. And no I am not your typical "addict" - highly functional and highly controlled. I just wanna see where sobriety takes me. But as of late... whoosh- I feel like my manic depressive episodes have shortened to that of a 24-hour cycle, tightening down from previous years where the highs could last months, even years, along with the lows. It's weird. It's making me realize what a miracle it's been I never got on pharmaceuticals. For this, I get to pat myself on the back, but ironically the whole experience has also given me even more grace and understanding than ever before as to WHY I couldn't just be fully sober. & why others can't too. I get it. It's a minefield. So here's your friendly reminder today: if you need to smoke weed, smoke weed. If you need a few beers, enjoy. If you need to live with someone less-than-prince-charming, for the sake of your own safety and security, it's ok. You don't need to make yourself ?????????? - that's the trick. We're all doing our best. It's not my place to judge. And trust me, as someone who's been on a mission to give up practically everything that ever once worked as a "pseudo-parent" and helped me just ?????? ?????????????? ?????? ??????... I totally get it, and do not judge you one bit. This is just my personal choice, for now. And dang - Leo ?? is saving my a$$.

When you were a child, someone ???????????? you. It left a scar so deep and so painful, you created a filter to protect from ever having to endure that pain ever again. Especially if you were doing something of the arts. Self expression. A dance. A song. A play. And I see this pattern repeated over and over in my clients, who have a block about personal branding. Overthinking. Self-judgement. Sensitivity of others. ?????? ???????? ???? ?? ???????????? - ?????????? ?????? ???????? ???????? ????????? Most usually it's always the same thing. An incident from long, long ago you repressed. But here's the thing - those bullies and those insecure adults that projected their own shame onto you... likely aren't even around anymore. So why the fear? It sticks with us, long after it's gone. It's finally safe now to be your ???????? ????????. However, like a caged bird who's been locked away for years - knowing it can't dare try to fly above or beyond the bars... you will remain stuck in that box, those narrow parameters, even after the prison cell is removed. That's us. More on this in my most recent live speech - Subscribe & watch on my YouTube. Link in the comments ↓ #Shayshine ??

And few will ever know the pain I had to endure to get here. I don't want them to. It's not needed. For suddenly everything in my life makes sense. For suddenly I see the power of God, something I always believed in, always had faith in, but never truly experienced the magic until now. To resolve so much past hurt finally. To see why it all had to go down, just the way that it did. I cry so deeply. I could never have known. Could never have seen what it was all for. I have reached a level of maturity in my spiritual evolution to bask in the role appointed for me, by God. It is not of my choosing. This energy is completely brand new. The grips the devil had on me are obvious now. It's apparent the spells I was under. I didn't see it. I will walk with you now, straight into the light. I will not cast off or dishonor the darkness. For the darkness was needed, the initiation was necessary. The pain and the battles I fought, alone, in agony... for years... all divine. This I honor, my journey. This I cherish, my faith. #Shayshine ??

I accept I may get blasted for this one (no pun intended). But psychedelics have been a huge part of my life. The journey to sobriety is not an easy one, and in today's memoir I admit how I haven't been entirely clean. My attachment to psychedelics as an agent for healing and self-medicating was a strong one. But - this too, now a door I must shut. Read on to hear my very personal story of over 5+ years experimenting with these various plants. The good, the bad, and the ugly of the medicine world. Why I originally went down this road in the first place, and why I now... walk away, and I ain't looking back. #Shayshine ??

Dear God, help me trust that there's a plan far beyond what I can see through my fears and illusions. This was from a card read to me multiple times by an energy healer I was working with a few years back. I was going through a hard time, living in Orlando and not adjusting to the city well, and beginning to admit to myself how "off" my life really was. Like any good modern day spiritual woman, she had a deck of cards. She'd pull one for me once in a while for guidance. This one came up not once, but twice in our sessions. I hung onto it for some reason. I had been spoiled for so long and was so used to being a brat, getting what I wanted, soothing the pain... etc. that around this time a few years back now when things started to shift for me, I was feeling in crisis. I felt in control for so long and now, I was losing it. so what IS the plan then, God? What are you doing with me here. I feel like I'm ready... I was not. I took the photo of the card she sent to me and I kept it as the screensaver on the back of my iPhone for over a year. All the decisions I've made since then have taken far longer than I could have imagined. "I'm gonna take a break from podcasts for a few mos" = turns into 2 years. "I'm gonna downsize business for a few mos" = turns into 2 years. "I'm going to be single for a while" = single now, almost 2 years. "I'm going to quit smoking cannabis for a month" = now almost 3 years. My did I have a lot to unpack. I have been throwing my energy in all directions and trying desperately to find my place in the world. And while the journey of aimlessly wondering felt in vain at times... I realize now what it was all for. It's been almost 3 years since she sent me that card. I came across it again recently, and I smiled. I get it now. There was a plan. Had it not been for the years of confusion and aimless wondering, the clarity I have now would not be the same. I just know. And I am in awe of God's creation. I am sorry I ever doubted you, and thank you for arriving me here safely. Turns out you always had me, and the plan. Far, far beyond what I could see... through my fears and illusions. ?

I don't recognize myself anymore. Coming back from Key West I had one prayer: ??????, ???????????? ?????? ???? ?????????????? ?????? ???????????????????????????? ?? ?????????? ????????. ??????'?? ?????? ???? ???????? ???????? ???????? ???? ?????? ????????, ???????? ???? ???? ?????? ????????. Little did I know, not only have I maintained... but the healing has deepened. My quantum leap has brought new people and experiences into my field I am at a complete loss for words to even articulate. News so exciting like nothing I have ever encountered, yet the desire to speak of and share this experience with anyone... gone. Like, it would only dilute the experience. No amount of sharing or words can pay homage to the work God is doing for me right now. All that drove me is dwindling. Without the underlying motivation to prove, I'm not sure what I'm even supposed to do with my time anymore. It's like purgatory. I'm waiting. No longer who I was, not yet who I'm meant to be, though I know she is coming. Building a brand - what a beautiful privilege. It became my livelihood and an avenue to so much abundance. to personal growth. financial success. travel. But it also became an external energy source I depended on for validation. God is showing me where he wants me to direct my energy next and I am in complete disbelief as to where he's taking me. In even deeper awe and wonder, at how much I actually like it. The old me could never, she wouldn't dare. Now I see clearly how all the past relationships, the hurt & the pain, the dreadful experiences were merely an initiation and curriculum needed... for this. The relief I feel for how it all finally makes sense. The gratitude I feel for actually deriving pleasure per this new role I'm appointed. The grief I also bathe in... as I lay down over and over my previous self, and recognize how long and hard she did fight. How hard it really truly has been... to let go. I see where you're taking me God and I trust it. I could never have planned it this way or chose it for myself... but hey, I suppose that's the point. My faith is everything now. If this is what you want for me, this is what I want. I am finally learning how serving you is not a ????????... but the greatest bliss I've known so far.

Nothing triggers me more right now than people telling me "I should be happy" or that I should NOT be feeling the ???????????????? ???????????????? ?? ???? ??????????????. Sadness, anger. Rage. Coming to terms with how badly this dogma scarred me and created a “trauma-stuckness” and freeze in my body that lasted years, and prevented me from actually processing anything... has created even more anger & grief now to process. This “don’t feel what you’re feeling/don’t be where you’re at in your process” originated as a kid, when I first began to shove all this down. To not express anger for the lack of respect, or the blaming I endured as the scapegoat. Anger was not allowed in my house. My "bubbly positive" mother seldom expressed negative emotion. I only ever witnessed her rage come through in later years, when randomly out of the blue she would explode which I remember was bizarre and surprising to witness. Now, also a situation I now look back on that makes perfect sense. The repressed negative emotions, not allowed to actually move through… don’t go away. They bubble. You can muffle them down through addictions, shopping, porn... alcohol. Does it work? It does til it doesn’t. Energy is the ruling force in our lives, whether we see it or not, and in the end it will always come out on top. Good or bad, energy is ????????. Don't f*ck with it. Those well-intended messages that I should “just be happy/let it go” have turned into triggers for all the times I was inappropriately pressured to do this when first entering my healing journey. I find it best to now listen to my own inner compass, as she and only she knows which time is best to tap into that “positive thinking” that gets so grossly abused in spiritual bypassing communities. To actually leverage it in moments it’s warranted, and I recognize my little girl is needing a reminder to hear it. ?? ?????? ????????- and I don’t need to hear it from you. Thanks. If anything, at least right now per what I’m processing… your well intended advice only leads to more rage. Ask yourself, is it really my anger you’re so afraid of... or is it yours? #Anger #Healing #MMA