????? Politico Loco

???????????????????? ?????????????????????? ???????????? ???? ???????????????????????? ????????????—???? ???????? In a bold move for the ever-progressing GOP, Rep. Keith Self of Texas decided to take a stand—not on economic reform, healthcare, or, heaven forbid, making government work—but on the crucial hill of misgendering a fellow lawmaker. During a House Foreign Affairs subcommittee hearing, Self insisted on calling Rep. Sarah McBride (D-Del.) “Mr. McBride,” because apparently, basic respect is now partisan. When pressed to correct himself, Self doubled down and promptly ended the meeting rather than acknowledge McBride’s actual, legal gender. Because, as history has shown, when Republicans are faced with facts they don’t like, their best move is to pretend the conversation is over. Self later defended his actions on social media, proudly proclaiming that "the United States recognizes only two genders." That bold proclamation was quickly endorsed by Rep. Mary Miller (R-Ill.), who one-upped him by using McBride’s deadname because, apparently, civility is for the weak. And in case anyone forgot, Miller invoked the divine authority of both God and Donald Trump to back up her claim—as if the two were interchangeable. Meanwhile, McBride handled the whole ordeal with more poise in five seconds than the entire GOP has mustered in five years. This satirical summary was written by AI because if Republican lawmakers can ignore reality, why can’t I? https://lnkd.in/gcE9gyX2

??????????’?? ???????? ???? ‘?????????????????????? ??????????????’ ?????? ???????????????? ?????????????????? ?????? ???????????????? ???????????? In a bold new interpretation of America First, the Trump administration has frozen foreign aid, effectively turning life-saving HIV medication into glorified warehouse decorations in Kenya. Despite an official exemption for HIV treatment, USAID’s payments system is conveniently "down," leaving 2.5 million bottles of antiretrovirals and other essential medicines stranded—just out of reach of the 1.4 million Kenyans living with HIV. Of course, this is just a small price to pay in Trump’s master plan to “restore integrity, competency, and loyalty” to the U.S. government. After all, why should humanitarian aid workers or foreign patients expect loyalty from an administration already busy dismantling its own public health infrastructure at home? With distribution halted, patients like Alice Okwirry are being forced to ration medication and face the terrifying possibility of running out. Meanwhile, the Trump White House remains laser-focused on its true priorities: gutting USAID, ensuring America’s global reputation as an unreliable partner, and proving that when Trump said “America will be respected again,” he really meant feared and resented. Secretary of State Marco Rubio—who, in a former life, once seemed to care about international aid—proudly announced that over 80% of USAID programs have now been canceled. Because nothing says “National Unity is Now Returning to America” quite like pulling the rug out from under life-saving programs abroad. Kenya’s health officials are scrambling to find the $10 million needed to get the medications out of storage, a sum that is apparently too large for the U.S. to bother with but still a fraction of what Trump spends annually on legal fees. Meanwhile, lawsuits attempting to reverse the funding freeze are winding their way through U.S. courts, which may or may not still function depending on which judges Trump decides to listen to this week. This satirical summary was written by an AI because actual human journalists are still trying to figure out if Project 2025 includes a clause mandating that all foreign aid be replaced with thoughts and prayers. https://lnkd.in/guQXBriA

???????? ???????????? ???? ????????????? ????????????????. ?????????????????? ?????? ???? ?????????? ???? ?????? ??????????????. So you’re telling me that a system built to concentrate wealth… concentrates wealth? That billionaires don’t actually “lose” when you rage-sell their stock, but instead just scoop it up at a discount like it’s a Black Friday sale at the oligarchy outlet mall? Who could have seen this coming? But rather than just selling off TSLA in a Musk-related fit of moral clarity, this post dares to ask: what if we stopped playing their game altogether? Instead of investing in a system that treats workers like disposable cogs and rewards corporate feudalism, what if we put our money into businesses that actually give a damn? You know, ones that prioritize democracy over dictatorship, people over profit, and sustainability over short-term stock bumps. Crazy concept, right? Choosing credit unions over megabanks, co-ops over corporate overlords, and impact funds over hedge funds that bankroll dystopia. Almost like economic power is real power—so maybe it’s time to stop voluntarily funding our own oppression. Will divesting from Wall Street’s Monopoly game make the billionaires cry? Probably not. But it’s a start. This satirical summary was written by an AI, which—unlike billionaires—doesn’t profit from stock buybacks when the economy craters.

Nigel Farage's latest political venture, Reform UK, is proving to be just as stable as a British weather forecast—sunny one minute, full of storms the next. Fresh off securing 14% of the vote and five seats in Parliament last July, the party has surged in the polls, leaving Labour nervously eyeing its rearview mirror and the Tories wondering if they still have a political pulse. At 25% in recent polls, Reform UK is closer to power than it has ever been—or at least closer to proving that Britain can sustain an infinite number of right-wing populist rebrands. But just as Reform UK was making serious noises about being a legitimate political force rather than just a hobby club for Brexit nostalgists, the party has collapsed into what can only be described as a Shakespearean drama—if Shakespeare wrote about men in blazers shouting at each other over pints. The latest episode features MP Rupert Lowe, who was suspended after he dared to refer to the party as a “protest party led by the Messiah” in an interview. A fair assessment, considering Reform UK does appear to exist mainly to protest everything—except Nigel Farage’s supremacy. Lowe, who enjoys the enthusiastic backing of Elon Musk (because apparently every far-right shake-up now requires Musk’s approval), insists his crime was merely offending the Supreme Leader. Reform UK, however, claims he threatened party chairman Zia Yusuf, prompting a police investigation and an internal probe into alleged bullying. So much for being the party of free speech. Farage’s leadership history is filled with such chaos. His previous ventures, UKIP and the Brexit Party, all ended with defections, internal coups, and leadership that made a Roman Senate session look tame. Reform UK appears to be following the same script. The party’s real challenge isn’t just electoral viability—it’s proving that it can survive itself. Meanwhile, Farage continues to spout unpopular opinions, such as his belief that NATO expansion provoked Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. British voters, who overwhelmingly blame Russia for the war, seem unimpressed with this hot take, but that hasn’t stopped Farage from channeling his inner Tucker Carlson. Despite all this, Reform UK’s popularity persists, particularly in older, white, working-class towns where Farage’s brand of Eurosceptic nostalgia plays like a greatest hits album. With an upcoming by-election in Runcorn and Helsby, the party will soon find out whether its internal implosion actually matters to voters. If history is any guide, Farage’s political career is like a horror movie villain—no matter how many times it dies, it just keeps coming back. And with that, we conclude another episode of "Farage’s Never-Ending Brexit Bonanza," brought to you by an AI struggling to make satire out of a political movement that already parodies itself. This news summary was written by ChatGPT because reality itself has now become indistinguishable from a bad sitcom. https://lnkd.in/gMkru2sC

I see you Cartoon by Vasini Varadan Satirical summary by ChatGPT Good news, everyone! While the planet melts, the media is here to remind you that it's actually your fault for using plastic straws and driving to work instead of biking through wildfire smoke. But don’t worry, you can always subscribe to a mindfulness app, conveniently funded by the same tech companies fueling climate catastrophe! Yes, capitalism has infiltrated every aspect of life—including the news that reminds you how bad things are, while selling ad space to oil companies. Mental health crisis? There's a subscription for that! Nature being swallowed by corporations? Just reframe your perspective! Feeling powerless? That’s just a branding issue! So remember: while the world burns, the economy booms, and your anxiety spikes—you're just one guided meditation away from inner peace. ???????? ?????????????????? ?????????????? ?????? ?????????????? ???? ???? ???? ?????????????? ?????? ?????????? ?????????????? ?????? ?????? ???????? ???????????????????? ?????????? ???????????? ?????????????? ???? ???????? ?????????????????? ?????????????????????? ????????????. https://lnkd.in/dGu8p3XB

Rodrigo Duterte, the former strongman of the Philippines, who famously bragged about feeding corpses to the fish, is now headed to The Hague after being arrested on an ICC warrant. Ironically, his supporters are howling about his "lack of due process"—a concept that Duterte himself treated like a pesky mosquito during his tenure, swatting away any notion of trials before overseeing thousands of extrajudicial killings. But before any tinpot tyrants start sweating, let’s be clear: Duterte’s arrest is less a testament to international justice and more an example of what happens when political alliances crumble. The only reason he's being served justice now is that Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos Jr.—whose own last name comes with a historical baggage of dictatorship—decided he was no longer useful. Turns out, it's not mass murder that gets you in trouble; it’s losing political friends. The ICC, noble in intent but hobbled by realpolitik, remains largely powerless against leaders of major powers. Vladimir Putin, for instance, has an arrest warrant against him but still enjoys his tea in Moscow, only slightly inconvenienced when planning vacations. Meanwhile, the U.S. has moved from ignoring the ICC to actively sanctioning its chief prosecutor, because justice is only valid when it’s not aimed at American allies. So, for the world’s lesser despots, Duterte’s arrest might serve as a warning. But for the big fish, international law remains as optional as a hotel minibar. This satirical summary was written by an AI, which, unlike the ICC, can actually enforce its own rules. https://lnkd.in/gSZ2HATN

?????????????? ?????????? ?????????????? ???????????? ????????'?? ????????????????? ???????????????? ???????????? ???? ???????? ?????? ??????????????. Great news for misogynists and terrible news for everyone else: Andrew Tate’s content is still thriving on Spotify, promoting the fine art of male dominance, aggression, and exploitation—because apparently, that’s what the algorithm loves. But over 34,000 people (and counting) have had enough, signing a petition demanding Spotify remove his content. Launched by trauma counselor Renee Chopping and advocacy group Collective Shout, the petition highlights the disturbing reality: young boys idolize Tate’s hyper-masculine drivel, while young girls are left dealing with the fallout—harassment, body-shaming, and the delightful societal norm of being treated like objects instead of people. But sure, let’s keep amplifying his voice. Free speech, right? If you’re wondering how to help, the to-do list is simple: sign the petition, report Tate’s content as "violent or dangerous," flood Spotify with complaints, and, most importantly, share the petition like it’s the last meme on the internet. In the time it took to write this post, another 400 people signed, proving that outrage still works better than Spotify’s content moderation. This satirical summary was written by an AI because human decency is now crowd-funded through online petitions.

?????????????????? ??????????????: ?????? ???????? ???????? ?????? ??????????????? In a Texas mortuary drama that would make even Shakespeare reconsider his plot twists, an embalmer took it upon herself to administer a very permanent postmortem punishment to a deceased registered sex offender. Amber Paige Laudermilk allegedly decided that Charles Roy Rodriguez, a convicted sex offender, didn’t quite deserve to rest in peace—at least not intact. Armed with a scalpel and a sense of vigilante justice that would make even Dexter raise an eyebrow, Laudermilk allegedly castrated the corpse before stuffing his severed organ into his mouth—a final resting place he most certainly did not anticipate. When confronted by a witness, she reportedly issued the ominous declaration: “You didn’t see anything.” Because nothing says subtle like corpse mutilation in a cremation room. Authorities, ever the champions of dignity in death, swiftly charged Laudermilk with abuse of a corpse, emphasizing that even the worst among us are owed a degree of respect in the afterlife. The Texas justice system, meanwhile, faces the uncomfortable task of deciding whether poetic justice should have legal consequences. This satirical summary was written by an AI, because when reality starts reading like a Quentin Tarantino script, human journalists deserve a break. https://lnkd.in/gAe8sFdb

Trump-Putin Propaganda Poster Cartoon by Kirk Anderson Satirical summary by #ChatGPT Once upon a time, calling someone a "Commie dupe" was the favorite pastime of every self-respecting American conservative. But in a plot twist worthy of a bad Cold War novel, today’s Republicans have fully embraced their inner Soviet stooge—except this time, the strongman they worship isn’t across an ocean but sitting comfortably in Moscow, sipping victory vodka. Kirk Anderson’s parody of a Soviet propaganda poster perfectly captures the modern GOP’s undying love affair with Putin. Back in the 1920s and 30s, American leftists were mocked for idolizing Stalin. Now, it’s right-wingers who cheer on Putin’s autocratic rule like it’s the second coming of Reagan—if Reagan had annexed Crimea instead of calling the USSR an “evil empire.” The so-called "Master Dealmaker" has delivered preemptive surrenders to the Kremlin faster than you can say "Art of the Deal," baffling NATO allies while leaving Russian officials in disbelief at their historic geopolitical jackpot. But who needs allies when you have strongman bromances? Meanwhile, Trump's isolationist policies continue their uncanny resemblance to a Neville Chamberlain tribute act, minus the British accent and plus a lot more social media tantrums. The peace-through-strength crowd has seemingly rebranded as the peace-through-surrender movement, proving that when it comes to capitulating to dictators, America is—once again—leading the way. ???????? ?????????????????? ?????????????? ?????? ?????????????? ???? ???? ???? ??????????????, ???? ?????? ?????? ???? ??????????-?????????? ????????????????????, ?????????? ?????????????????? ??????'?? ???????? ????. https://lnkd.in/guKRHMjN