MyGoodbyes

What Not to Say When Someone Has Died When someone is grieving, words can either help or hurt. Here are three things you should avoid saying: 1. “At least she lived a long life; many people die young.” Grief isn’t eased by comparison. Loss is loss, and saying this can feel dismissive of the bereaved person’s pain. 2. “He’s in a better place.” This may comfort you, but it might not align with their beliefs. Focus on their feelings, not your assumptions. 3. “He brought this on herself.” Even if you think this, don’t say it. My Dad died from lung cancer and carried deep shame for having been a smoker, avoiding saying the type of cancer he had. Words like this only add to the pain. If in doubt, say less. Just being there is often enough. #grief #deathpositivity #wellbeing Dad on one last car-related adventure

My journey to a planned death There is a lot in the press about assisted dying and people having challenging deaths at the moment. But there is already something you can do to take control. Put an end-of-life plan in place. Here is how: Decide to do it I decided I wanted to do it, having seen my Dad’s death. This is important! You have to decide that what you want to get done is actually what you want to do!). Get prepared You can set yourself up for success by having a template to help you create your plan (there might be an app for that ??). Set the intention I intended to do it, meaning I set aside some time. I set aside an hour each Sunday morning to get it done. Give yourself a quick win I focused on a quick win because I knew that would keep me going. You can give yourself a quick win with your end-of-life plan by simply going through and completing the bits you already know the answers to. Start with the easy bits Then, I began on the bits that seemed to be easiest – do the more manageable bits first, so you have a sense of satisfaction early on. Keep going! And finally, I kept on going until it was done! It's too easy to stop at the final stage. Make an appointment with yourself and get started. A more fun aspect of my plan is a Land Rover hearse

A little reminder to live your best life. Death comes at any time; this should spur us mortals on: Into living full and adventurous lives; To not ignore the fact that life can be brief; To accept that we are entirely in control of our lives. But, many of us choose to ignore this and hide our finitude away. In case you need a little reminder that life is for living, here are the five regrets of the dying, 1) “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” 2) “I wish I hadn't worked so hard.” 3) “I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.” 4) “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” 5) “I wish I had let myself be happier” These can all be avoided. Take action! Catching up with my Tomorrow University of Applied Sciences lecturer, Dr. Thomas Funke and friend recently.

When someone dies. The one thing you need to know when someone dies. The most important thing I learned when Dad died was that we could keep him with us: We did not need to urgently let the funeral director know; We did need to have him whisked away; There is no one waiting for our call; It felt strange like we were breaking a rule. But we weren't. Our last night with him was so joyful; had we not been aware we could keep him, we would have lost that final memory. Have you kept a loved one with you for a time after they have died? How did you find the experience? Another magic memory - a final trip to Goodwood.

Time-critical death admin. Doing things before they are required is the key to a successful life, but this is even more critical if you are aiming for a successful death. My Uncle has recently been diagnosed with dementia; the progress has been swift; he used to joke with me that he'd steal my Land Rover. Now he thinks it's his, and I must hide the keys. But it is also heartwarming to watch his siblings rally around: There is a visit from one or more each day; His housework is being taken care of; He has someone to go with him to his appointments. I smile, listening to them bicker over whose turn it is and the fact they 'have their own lives to be getting on with', turning up each day nonetheless. Being 'deathy', I thought I should ask about LPAs, but it turns out I am not the only one in the family who likes to get the death admin done. My Aunt, recognizing my Uncle's early onset dementia; Made the deliberate decision to prepare his LPAs; Getting them completed whilst he could still understand the implications and give informed consent. Addressing the Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) is essential before a critical threshold is crossed. Without capacity, these cannot be completed. It's not just dementia that can take your capacity; the list is sadly quite long. You can do them at any adult age, as long as you have capacity. I repeat...AT ANY AGE. I'm James, I write about death, dying and living a good life. The rural idyll - my (Uncle's - if you ask him) Landy.

Lessons in dying well. Five things my sister has taught me about death and dying well. 1. You aren't dead til you're dead. I tended to treat Dad with kid gloves; my sister was the opposite, throwing parties for him, going on adventures, and generally living! 2. You can't do it all. When Mum was critically ill, I was doing a daily 2-hour round trip to visit. My sister made me realise this wasn't sustainable, and we needed to share the load with our family. 3. People want to help. Following on from number 2, by sharing the load, I discovered that people wanted to help us and, more importantly, be with Mum. 4. Let go when you are ready. Dad’s ashes watched TV with my sister until she was prepared to let go. That time is different for each of us. 5. Safety in numbers. There is power in having someone to go through a death with. I am lucky to have a sibling, but even if you don't, letting a friend help is critical. Hi, I’m James, I write about death, dying and living a good life. What lessons have you learned about dying well? Why not sign up for our newsletter.

What we can learn from the departed: Tony Hsieh Tony Hsieh was an inspiring figure, devoted leader, and founder of the influential Zappos brand. Tony Hsieh's legacy embodies hard work, ambition and community spirit. He died tragically in 2020; his approach will continue to shape generations. Here are some lessons that are worth remembering.

What brings back memories of those you’ve lost?

House News Our early bird offer is now live to the public: enjoy 25% off our End of Life Plan Facilitator Training! Join our virtual info session on 03 September 8.30pm (UK time) to discover more about end-of-life planning and connect with our team and community. Let's make talking about and planning for death a normal part of life. Secure your spot today and take advantage of this fantastic offer!

Five Lessons About Secrets Secrets manifest themselves in all sorts of ways. Families are not perfect, people do make mistakes, and forgiveness is part of being alive. If you are the one who knows a secret or indeed if you wish others to keep a secret, there are several things to think about. 1. Never Use Social Media, texts, emails or anything else to write emotion-based messages. You cannot determine how the other person will read them. If it is not something you can say to them in person, then don't say it at all. 2. Be wary of asking others to keep a secret. To honour you they may do it, but you put a huge onus on them by requesting this. The effect of asking someone to keep a secret can last for generations and generations. 3. Be wary of keeping something secret yourself. A true secret will be known by you and not by anyone else, certainly not anyone who might be near to those concerned. 4. Never underestimate family relationships. They are complex, interwoven and full of feelings, often. Even if you think they are not. Ignore this at your peril! 5. Keep your relationships up to date – by that I mean be brave and speak of small things that make you feel uncomfortable, so they don't have the chance to grow further. Nip them in the bud, and you will likely increase your chances of a good relationship with that person. Alternatively, let it roll off your back. Not easy, but not impossible either. Join Our Community for More Insights