Law Office of Diane St. Yves, PLLC

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Coaching.... sports? debate team? No, I am talking about coaching children. Even the most well-intentioned parent will coach their children to impose beliefs on them that comport with that parent's beliefs or feelings or understanding. Frequently, in the course of custody litigation, a parent will believe that the other parent is alienating or creating a loyalty conflict between the child and the other parent. When I ask a client if this is happening, the parent will generally answer "I do not talk about the parent. [Child's name] will tell me what happened and what his [father/mother] said. I just listen." If I delve further, it becomes clear that the child tends to parrot to that parent what the child believes the parent wants to hear. Where does this come from? 1. The children hear the parent talking negatively about the other parent with friends and family. 2. The parent will ask probing questions after time with the other parent. When the children express something negative about the other parent, the child sees his parent light up and the child feels approval. This is exciting for the child, and they find they get a parent's approval and attention more frequently by reporting perceived negative behaviors of the other parent. 3. A family member will ask the child probing questions. "What did Mom tell you about me?" "How could your Dad tell you such things?" "Your Mom/Dad said "THAT?" The child is so excited that this family member is paying attention, that they will engage more frequently and tell more stories. Eventually, the child will begin to believe the stories he tells and realizes that he gets more attention with more outlandish descriptions. While you may detest the other parent, turning your child against the other parent WILL hurt the child. It could eventually cause the child to experience mental health issues, cause the child to separate from you, and could result in you not having time with your child or possibly only seeing your child with supervision. When your child speaks of the other parent, give the child a safe place to share their thoughts. Do not make commentary. If there is something of grave concern, investigate the allegations outside the child's range of hearing. Choosing your words so that you are encouraging a positive relationship between the child and both parents and both parents' families will benefit your child beyond your wildest imagination. If you have child custody questions, please call us at (281) 501-1558 or see our website at www.styveslaw.com. We are happy to listen and help you.