ConkSat

Yes, we built a 6th-gen fighter jet. Yes, we're selling it to China. Don't like it? Buy our loyalty. We've learned the most important lesson of defense contracting - people don't buy weapons unless people they don't like have weapons. Starting price is $1bn + bribes. Before we get any negative feedback: you all need this. If we didn't do this, NGAD would never happen. You need this to make you do good engineering. A MiG-25 for the modern era. And before you complain about this "flagrant violation of ITAR," consider whether you're such an ITAR compliance expert yourself. We know what you do.

In the next conflict, air superiority will be the key to victory. Above all else, one characteristic of fighters will guarantee the success of the nation who flies them: cost. In the latest carrier trials, ConkSat has shown the effectiveness of an entirely new type of low-cost, multi-role fighter jet - the Cessna F/A-172. Now joining the competition to be the US Navy's Next Generation Air Dominance (NGAD) fighter, the F/A-172 boasts a variety of features critical to tactical air dominance. With a turn radius tighter than any supersonic jet and the nose authority of a minivan, this aircraft can challenge any near-peer adversary. The real advantage of this platform is its cost. Stealth fighters are no match for hundreds of F/A-172s equipped with elementary AI with low light sensitivity cameras. Once found, foes are no match for this aircraft's deadly firepower, including a 9mm pistol for BVR engagements and a bayonet for dogfights. New innovations allow us to dispense with external hardpoints and replace them with an opening window that the pilots can throw bombs out of. Combat aircraft were perfected in 1917 and everything since has been a waste of money. By doing away with needlessly complex systems like radar, radios, and ejection seats, this aircraft is made easy enough that a teenager could fly it. Finally, the US can tap into its as-of-yet unexploited wealth of child soldiers. Profess your cult-like devotion to us by contacting your congressperson immediately to beg for them to fund us.

For too long, mission designers have had to face the reality of not having enough power to make electric propulsion easy. Solar panels and RTGs can't provide the megawatts of power you deserve to fly with impunity. At ConkSat, we've devised the perfect solution to this problem: extension cord. With our latest satellites powered by ion thrusters, never worry again about low thrust. Take all the electricity you want from our ground stations located conveniently close to launch sites. With over 400,000km of 10-gauge extension cable, ConkSat will support your missions all the way out to the moon. Warranty voided if spacecraft uses a parking orbit instead of direct injection. Users are strongly advised to orbit once counterclockwise for each clockwise orbit to avoid wrapping the cable around the planet. Please avoid orbits intersecting with the ISS due to complaints from NASA about tangling. Another advantage of our innovative extension cord technology is the ability to reel in your satellites when your mission is complete. This makes reuse fast and simple, unlike the alleged "second-stage reuse" proposed by other, less interesting space companies. Take care not to lose the reel, as we do not issue replacements.

Running late to the missile silo today - traffic is bad today. Launch code is 1234, key is under the doormat. One of y'all please take over for me, just let yourselves in. Don't bump the launch console, it's been on a hair trigger lately. Be there soon. - CEO

Oh, you thought we just made jokes on the internet? The joke's on you; we make hardware now. Evil hardware, too. Introducing the cheapest-ever strap-on precision guidance kit, powered by the best algorithms we could steal from Stack Overflow. With laser guidance, contract seeking, and optical IFF modes, this seeker is set to revolutionize the future of small dictatorships by bringing precision guidance to the masses.

Stop making all your satellites cube-shaped. In recent years, satellite manufacturers have created the most visually boring and lazy designs possible. With an increasing number of satellites being cuboid or cylindrical (including the "CubeSats"), Earth orbit has never been more boring. If you are making a satellite with a cuboid bus and solar panels slapped onto the sides, quit your job. Engineering is an art and you're painting like a kindergartener. ConkSat is committed to creating fun and visually interesting satellites, just as engineers have in the past (intentionally or otherwise). Our choice of concrete-casted satellite buses allows complete freedom of shape. We’re embracing brutalist architecture in all its forms. Stay tuned for our Klein bottle satellite, brought to you by our Topology Division.

The first credible counter to mutually-assured destruction is here. The tyrannical peace of nuclear weapons is officially no more with the advent of Project Popcorn, ConkSat’s latest-and-greatest defense program. For years, nations have been unable to intercept incoming nuclear intercontinental ballistic missiles. Project Popcorn brings the ultimate solution to this with a fleet of over 2000 satellites spread across 16 orbital planes, each armed with redundant W87 thermonuclear warheads. When incoming missiles are detected, the push of a button can detonate the entire constellation simultaneously, instantly flooding low Earth orbit with high-intensity radiation. This vaporizes all midcourse ICBMs and temporarily jams radar systems worldwide, snatching victory from the jaws of nuclear annihilation. To avoid the prospect of nuclear space junk, all satellites orbit at the low altitude of under 150km. This means that any failures on-orbit will lead to the satellite reentering in a matter of hours, harmlessly burning up and scattering in the upper atmosphere. Staffed by an expert team of spacecraft operators with a combined 10 years of experience in spaceflight, the Popcorn fleet is always ready to respond. The constellation will be available to all nations willing to fund the program. Starting at a cost of $10bn/yr for the Basic plan, users will be given a keyfob that detonates the constellation with one click. On the Premium plan (call for price), users will also be able to disable the constellation for all users. ConkSat is actively seeking bids for launch services. Please reach out if you’re interested in hosting our satellites, but note that we have unique restrictions on vehicle radio systems due to the risk of inadvertent detonation.

CONKATHON IS ON! By popular demand (dear god, my inbox is full) and thanks to a recent influx of funding (my intern paycheck), we are bringing back the Etsy store. All products now with 30% APR (Applied Price Raise)! Show off to your coworkers how cool you are for mindlessly scrolling LinkedIn every day. Do you really need more aerospace t-shirts? No, but you’re gonna buy another anyway so it might as well be ours. All right here: https://lnkd.in/eh7ZssM6

ConkSat is sad to announce that, as of today, we will be moving our HQ from Long Beach, CA to Pyongyang, North Korea. Trucks containing ConkSat's export-control team rolled across the DMZ at 11:00am UTC yesterday. Casualties have been minimal so far. This move was necessitated by California's radical woke agenda. We at ConkSat can't stand for a tyrannical state government preventing us from the free exercise of our God-given liberties, including the right to environmental contamination and the right to workplace accidents. The DPRK may be the last bastion of liberty in the modern world. We expect to have zero problems with maintaining our hiring rate, thanks to the low housing prices in abundant twenty-story apartment blocks. This move was triggered by the recent congressional investigation into our safety record. From our CEO: "This is the last straw. The only way to fight this evil is angrily posting about it. With any luck, we'll be able to complete the move before Legal finds out."

Due to an ongoing Congressional investigation, ConkSat is being ordered to release documents pertaining to the history of Building J. ConkSat does not wish to put out a public statement at this time.