Saying Something Then Doing Another

26 letters of the alphabet can create a fair few words, and some of those same words are used for different things because enough people agreed upon a different meaning that they wished to associate to that particular word. English is a tricky little bugger to learn, and it’s great that I managed to grow up in an English speaking country so I have had a fair bit of time to get it under my belt – probably the same as you.

So let’s just assume that the people we are with can speak the same language, and we have an agreement on the meaning of 99% of the terms that we use. Because of this, it is easy to communicate our intentions.

It is easy to transmit something verbally. We just open our mouths and spew out the specific sounds we have all agreed on to be associated to a specific word. Then we add another few in and it becomes a sentence. Even more meaning for our ears to consume.

There can be an issue when what we say requires some “follow-up” or what I like to call, “action”. It is easy to spit out some sounds, but it takes some serious energy to do what it was that you said you would do.

People say that they will do a lot of different things:

• “I will never cheat on you”
• “I will be home in 15 minutes, sweetie, I’m just going to finish my beer”
• “I’ll be ready in 10 minutes”
• “2015 is the year I am going to make all the changes I said I would”

Etcetera…Etcetera…

The follow-up actions required to ensure these verbal contracts are unbroken can be difficult to do, and we have all made mistakes and not done what we would say we would do.

When someone else tells you that they are going to do something, or that they feel something towards you (like the feeling of Love), that is only the start of what is to be communicated. The rest of the communication needs to be physically shown to prove that what was said, is actually true. I shall give you an example.

Once upon a time, I was seeing a really cool chick. She was funny, cool, and sexy and she ticked all the right boxes. Spending time with her was great and I thought I really liked her, but I always made excuses not to hang out.

“I am too busy with work atm” is what I would send her via SMS after her initial request to spend time with one another. Then it was “Well wat day do you u have off”. To which I would reply “I dno. Ill sort something and let u know”.

Then I would “forget” to get back to her, while I sit at home watching YouTube and thinking about all the work I should be doing. If I was really that interested in her, don’t you think I would move my “super important” appointment to watch YouTube or smash out the work that needed to be done (or move it to another time), then go and be with her?

If I really wanted her bad enough I would shift heaven and Earth and make it happen. I would drag my balls over 4 miles of broken glass just to get a glimpse of her – If I valued her enough.

The problem was that I really believed and told her that I liked her, but my actions spoke otherwise. I came to this realisation after she told me to never speak to her again, following about 5 days of forgotten replies and dismissive texts. And rightfully so – Why on Earth would she waste time with someone who obviously wasn’t that interested in her? I mean, I told her that I thought she was great and everything, but I never really did the action part that cemented in what it was that I was saying. After she kicked my ass to the kerb, I came to the realisation that I wasn’t actually all that fussed with her. Sure, she was awesome, but there just wasn’t something there that made me want to drag my balls through 4 miles of broken glass just to be with her.

You have got to WANT IT. If you don’t want it, or your actions don’t match your words you need to look at what it is that is holding the action back. Is it FEAR? Is it lack of interest? Is it a combination of multiple things? It is always something, but you need to look at what it is and find what it is that holds you back from matching your actions to your words.

It is also important to look at other people and call them out on their lack of congruent action:

“Hey sweetie, you said you wouldn’t cheat on me again and you would change but I have noticed that you are constantly on your phone, or it is always face down on vibrate and you never share what it is you’re giggling at when you receive texts. You also now have a passcode to get into your phone, and you are spending more time out with your crazy single friends and you don’t want to spend any time with me. What’s going on?”

You’re not being overly suspicious at this stage, but you notice some incongruence and based on the past you have every right to be somewhat interested. They come up with some silly answers that hold about as much weight as a piece of paper, but she mentions that she “loves you and I promise you that I am changing and you have nothing to worry about and blah blah blah”. Then everything stays the same and you eventually find she was actually cheating on you even though she promised she wasn’t. Or she realises that she hasn’t made any changes and she SHOWS you with meaningful action, instead of just talking about it.

It is not just relationships that this sort of thing happens, it happens everywhere. If a company says “We have the best customer service” and you have an honest complaint and they treat you like an asshole, they obviously don’t have the “best customer service”. If you are like most Australian tradesmen and you say you are going to turn up at a particular time, then you don’t or you don’t even try to inform me that you’re running late or apologise for your tardiness with a decent excuse, then I am going to assume you are a shitty tradie and will go and employ someone else. If your ex or current partner is saying one thing, yet doing another you need to find out why, because their actions are what is truly being communicated – And they might not even be consciously aware of it.

Long story short: Actions speak infinitely louder than words. In fact, words are merely a tool for conveying an intention. If they (or you) say they (or you) are going to do something, and they (or you) don’t, then next time they (or you) shouldn’t say anything at all, or at least find out why and fix it.

About the Author: Brett Ellis helps men turn a relationship breakup into something they’re thankful for. His perspective is that the people of our past relationships weren’t a proper fit, so in order to find the best fit, you need to become your best self.

This article was originally posted on my website www.guysguidetobreakups.com