Admired Leadership

"There is a huge difference between wanting something and choosing it. Your child needs to know the difference..." From ?????? ???????????????? ?????????? ???? ?????????????????????? ?????????????? ___________ Long ago we discovered that it is the behaviors—the routines and actions we do every day—that make the difference in exceptional leadership. If we can isolate and practice the individual behaviors that make us better, we can improve as leaders, friends, spouses, community members, and as parents. #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #coaching #parentingskills

Relationships are guided by a large set of?unspoken rules. These rules (how candid we can be, when we can interrupt, etc.) allow the parties to interact harmoniously and productively, and without unnecessary conflict. Rules govern almost everything that happens in a relationship. Without them, the parties would be in a constant state of ambiguity or upset.? Without discussion, we agree on the appropriate ways of expressing emotion, how much we should disclose to those outside of the relationship, when we should apologize, and how quickly we should respond to each other, among hundreds, if not thousands, of other rules.? Most rules are assumed. Until one of the parties crosses a line. Then, one of two things occurs. Sometimes we discuss the rule violation and affirm the rule or agree to a new one (“You shared what I told you in confidence to a friend. Please don’t ever do that again.”). Far more often, we accept the trespass and let it stand. We say nothing, even though we are bothered by the rule violation. Naturally, this means the other party is free to repeat the behavior without consequence. Here’s the kicker: If and when the other party engages in the inappropriate or distasteful behavior a few more times without any pushback, resistance, or confrontation, then a new rule exists in the relationship.? Deciding much later, after repeated acts over time, to address the rule violation becomes much more difficult. That’s how unproductive patterns in relationships arise and become fixtures in the interaction.? There are a host of good reasons why people are sometimes reluctant to address a code-breaking behavior in a relationship, including a distaste for potential conflict, unequal status or power between the parties, and finding the right time to discuss the issue. What catches people by surprise is how quickly a negative pattern can take hold and become a new rule in the relationship. Any behavior that is repeated can become a rule and a strong new pattern.? Understanding how this works can help people create and sustain more committed and satisfying relationships. The key to remember is this:?The rules in any relationship are negotiated and affirmed every day through the actions each party accepts. Confronting others each time they do something that bothers us is a recipe for unhappiness and unnecessary conflict.? However, allowing a bad or inappropriate behavior or action to stand without discussion is how harmful patterns emerge in relationships. Learning to discuss such rule violations when they occur is essential. Pick your battles wisely, but be sure to address rule violations before they spin out of control and create a pattern that is nearly impossible to break.? The choice is yours. Or be prepared to live with a bad behavior.

A new leader asks: "How can I best wrap my head around all of the things I should be attending to and do that in some sort of a systemic manner?"

We normally evaluate our productivity in hours, days, weeks, and months and leave minutes and seconds to those fixated on speed. Maybe we should take another look… https://lnkd.in/g-6SssWX

Viewing any proclivity or predisposition that an assessment reveals as unalterable lets the subject off the hook for becoming the kind of leader and person they can and should become. https://lnkd.in/gUsQimCJ

"Inexperience benefits most from learning what to do..." From ?????? ???????????????? ?????????? ???? ?????????????????????? ?????????????? ___________ Long ago we discovered that it is the behaviors—the routines and actions we do every day—that make the difference in exceptional leadership. If we can isolate and practice the individual behaviors that make us better, we can improve as leaders, friends, spouses, community members, and as parents. #leadership #leadershipdevelopment #coaching #parentingskills

Wisdom from Duke University Womens Basktball Coach Kara Lawson reminding her team about a truth we also heard from Oliver Burkeman in last year's community conference. Don't wait for life to get easy.

There is a typical gap between what everyone on a team?thinks?and what?gets discussed. Those topics, issues, or ideas that are too uncomfortable or embarrassing for the team to discuss remain unaddressed and unspoken. While these?undiscussables?help the team to avoid short-term conflict and awkwardness, they often hold the group back from making the progress they should. Most undiscussables involve the so-called elephant in the room, which is a euphemism for a topic or issue that everyone prefers would go away.? The unspoken truths of bad behavior, bad decisions, or bad outcomes are usually the elephant or 1,000-pound gorilla the team avoids discussing. Leaders brave enough to address these issues in the group discussion often set the team free of constraint and unleash a more honest conversation that produces better strategies and decisions going forward. But that benefit doesn’t make it easy to do. The?discomfort?that an undiscussable would create out in the open is a powerful reason the team keeps it hidden and unaddressed. Beyond the undiscussables connected to a specific issue, decision, or outcome lies a potential unspoken truth all teams must confront now and again. The reality between what the team or organization?says they value?and?what they actually do?is a charade that undermines culture and destroys the commitment the team wants to feel. In too many cases, leaders, teams, and organizations espouse vision, values, principles, or preferred practices that?do not match?the reality of what happens or what people do. Exposing this hypocrisy is perhaps the most difficult undiscussable as it points the finger at everyone in the room. Courageous leaders who frequently ask the question about what the organization says it stands for and what it actually does are putting the most important truth on the table for all to see. The result is usually a sigh of relief and a healthy discussion where the team can recommit to doing the things it says it believes in. The best leaders will push through the denial that some team members may hold about the consistency of actions and values. They will remind everyone that every organization experiences some level of disconnect between beliefs and behavior. The recognition that all organizations can do better in aligning what they say they value with what they do makes the discussion more acceptable and tolerable. Great leaders address the unspoken truths that undercut organizational effectiveness. There is no undiscussable more critical to confront on a frequent basis than the lack of congruency between words and actions. Make it a point to add this discussion to an upcoming agenda. It’s time for any farce to end.

Here is the replay of today's Connecting to Admired Leadership session if you missed it live. Thanks for the great conversation Wesley Bender and Sean O'Brien. https://lnkd.in/gFCHXh5p

The question that might come up for you after hearing this story... How do leaders behave in such a way that inspires employees to work for free while something like this happens?