How to Be Nicer to Yourself – 5 Tips for Improving Your Self-Talk

Imagine someone walking up to you on the street – completely unprompted and without warning – and telling you that you were a talentless hack with no business doing what you’re doing. 

I’m sure it wouldn’t be appreciated.

Yet, for many people, what we tell ourselves – aka our “self-talk” – can be as negative as what's described above. And it erodes our confidence, our performance, and our happiness.

In his LinkedIn Learning course Ten Habits of Mentally Strong People, author and Indiana University Kelley School of Business faculty member Scott Mautz shared a strategy he calls the “High Five” that can help overcome negative self-talk that will hold anyone back – especially sellers.

Here’s his five-step process for quieting that nasty – and usually wrong – voice inside your head. 

Step #1: Personify your inner critic.

Identify that negative voice in your head and give it a name. While you’re at it, give it a hairstyle and a favorite jacket. 

“My inner critic is a snarling dragon with a condescending tone I’ve named Vulgar,” said Mautz. 

It might sound silly, but giving your inner critic a clear, tangible identity can be a game-changer. 

“Personifying your inner critic makes it external to you and turns it into something that is looking in and trying to limit you,” Mautz said. 

Personifying your inner voice allows you to kick that voice out of your head without turning that action into even more negative self-talk. So give your worst enemy a name – and don’t let them off by giving them a normal moniker. The voice in your head doesn’t deserve to be called Robby or Stephanie. 

A name like Vulgar will work just fine. 

Step #2: Label the underlying emotion. 

Let’s say you pitch a potential buyer, but they choose one of your competitors. In the aftermath, slapping a label like “failure” on yourself is all too common. 

But labeling yourself a “failure” will not do much good, partly because it doesn’t lead to a productive outcome – and mostly because it simply isn’t true. Failing and “being a failure” are completely different. 

Failing is a part of life. "Being a failure” is a label we choose to adopt – often over the objections of the people who know us best. That’s why digging deep and identifying the underlying emotion is essential to eliminating negative self-talk. 

“By naming the emotion, you make the negative thought concrete and narrower in scope,” Mautz said. 

Because, honestly, labeling yourself a failure after an unsuccessful pitch is the easy way out. It allows you to forgo exploring the deeper emotion behind your superficial label. 

Deep down, you know you’re not a failure. Instead, maybe you’re afraid that a missed quota could lead to a layoff, and the thought of losing your job inspires shame and fear – and emotions like fear and shame are always hard to face. 

But you can do something about the fear of losing your job. You can brush up on your resume, update your LinkedIn profile, and start reaching out to your network.

You can take action. 

Point being, just like you can't sell without doing proper discovery, improving your self-talk requires digging deep to uncover where it's coming from.

Step #3: Talk to yourself like a friend in need. 

Let’s say your best friend also works in sales. She asks you if you want to grab a coffee, where she tells you about a pitch that didn’t go the way she had hoped. She’s disappointed and, in this economy, a little more worried than usual. 

How would you respond? Would you tell her she’s a failure that she has no business selling anyone anything? 

“Of course you wouldn’t talk to your friend that way,” Mautz said. “So why would you talk to yourself that way?”

Most of us are our own worst critics – and that’s okay. We have insight into ourselves that others don’t, and being honest about our shortcomings is an important part of changing ourselves for the better.

But there is a world of difference between being honest with yourself and being cruel. Most of us would never be cruel to our friends – yet we are often completely comfortable being cruel to ourselves. 

Your friends deserve better than your harshest, unvarnished take on their shortcomings. Give yourself the same grace. 

Step #4: Replace “should” with “could.”

If you have a tendency to engage in negative self-talk, the past can become a trap that is hard to escape. A lot of negative self-talk involves replaying past scenarios and trying to figure out what you could have done differently. 

Thanks to hindsight, looking back allows us to identify the words we should have said and the actions we should have taken. But the lack of a time machine makes this backwards-view toxic.

“So much negative inner dialogue is about feeling sorry for yourself and replaying what you should have done or what should have happened,” said Mautz. “But it’s so much more powering to stop the ‘shoulds’ and focus on ‘coulds.’” 

There is no way to apply a lesson learned to the past. Engaging in that type of thinking is an exercise in going nowhere.

Instead, make your “should” a “could,” and the lessons you learned the hard way can be the foundation of the future you’re seeking.

Step #5: Think of mistakes as a science experiment. 

There’s a meme you may have seen on LinkedIn. It compares an imagined path to success that resembles a straight line up. Then, it shows the actual path to success, which is a snarled line that features a lot of ups and downs before it arrives at the top. 

That’s life. No one gets to travel a smooth road for the entire journey – and even if that were possible, it would be incredibly boring. 

Plus, we often find the greatest opportunities for growth and success in spaces where the line gets really squiggly. Rather than view those squiggles as failures, it’s important to see them as part of your process. 

“View your miscues as a part of trial-and-error, a science experiment of life you’re conducting, working to get the formula right,” said Mautz. “In this way, you’ll more easily accept your mistakes and see failures as learning opportunities. When something goes wrong, you can detach from it, instead of feeling like a victim.”

Beating yourself up for something you can’t change obscures the gifts adversity can bring. Many rockets had to land in the ocean before one made it to the moon. 

You can learn something valuable from every mistake you make. You just have to take your eyes off the wreckage and keep them focused on your destination. 

Summary and Takeaways  

Negative self-talk is something that almost everyone struggles with. It can be particularly acute in sales, where competition is intense and rejection is part of the job.

But the voice in your head doesn’t have to hold you back.

Remember:

1. We are our own worst enemies, but giving your negative internal voice a name is the first step to quieting it. 
2. When you are hard on yourself, dig deeper to find the underlying emotion behind those feelings. That's what you need to address.
3. Treat yourself like a friend. You’ll be glad you did.
4. Focus on the future and not on the past. “Should” looks backward. “Could” looks forward. Unless you’ve invented a time machine, “Could” is all you have. 
5. Life is a science experiment. If you treat it that way, you’ll eventually make a groundbreaking discovery about yourself and what you’re capable of. 

Enjoyed this post? You might enjoy these as well:

• 4 Barriers to Success Salespeople Don’t Talk About – and How to Overcome Them
• Rejection is Part of Sales. Here Are 4 Steps for Getting Through It.
• 10 Effective Tips for Persuading Others, According to a Behavioral Scientist
• It's Hard to Be in Sales Right Now. These Courses Can Help.
• How Chris Orlob Sells: An 8-Step Guide for Earning $1.6 Million in Sales

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