Conflict is inevitable in any workplace, but it can also be a source of stress, frustration, and resentment. How you handle it can make a big difference in your professional relationships and your performance. In this article, you'll learn some effective strategies to move forward when you're facing a challenging conflict with a colleague.
The first step to resolving a conflict is to understand what's really behind it. Is it a clash of personalities, values, or expectations? Is it a misunderstanding, a lack of communication, or a power struggle? Is it a personal or a professional issue? By identifying the root cause, you can avoid making assumptions, jumping to conclusions, or blaming the other person. You can also focus on the problem, not the person, and look for common ground.
This is vital - it’s important to remember that even if you are feeling aggrieved or offended, the other person may be completely unaware and it may not have anything to do with you at all. They might be going through something personal.
Understanding the underlying issues in a conflict is crucial for effective resolution. Often, conflicts in the workplace stem from unaligned goals or expectations. By identifying the root cause, strategies can be tailored to address the specific problem, whether it's through mediation, policy changes, or improved communication channels. This approach not only resolves the current issue but can also prevent future conflicts by setting a precedent for how disagreements are handled within the organization.
Here are some tips for moving forward with a challenging conflict with a coworker: Keep it to yourself Don't delay addressing the issue Maintain a positive attitude Talk calmly Get right to the point Try to find things you agree on Listen to their point of view Manage your emotions Show empathy Practice active listening Acknowledge criticism
Before you approach your colleague, it's important to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Aim for a constructive and respectful conversation, not an argument or confrontation. To do this, clarify your goals and intentions. What do you want to achieve from the conversation? How do you want to feel afterwards? What do you want to avoid? Choose the right time and place, when both of you are calm and not distracted. Find a neutral and private place where you won't be interrupted or overheard. Practice empathy and perspective-taking; try to see the situation from your colleague's point of view. Consider their needs, concerns, or motivations. Manage your emotions and expectations before talking to them. Acknowledge and regulate your own feelings, but don't expect them to agree with you or apologize right away. Be open to listening and learning.
Preparation is a good thing to ensure that your points are outlined clearly before you begin. However, avoid overthinking because you could then insert your own responses and could even get yourself worked up, which could defeat the objective of the conversation.
Acknowledge that sometimes personalities are so entirely different, that insightful understanding of each others points leading to the conflict is impossible. In those cases, the professional attitude can not be any other than to "agree to disagree". Not easy but possible
The way you communicate during the conversation can either help or hinder the resolution of the conflict. To communicate effectively, try using "I" statements instead of "you" statements to express your feelings and needs without accusing or attacking the other person. Additionally, ask open-ended questions instead of making statements to show curiosity and interest and invite the other person to share their thoughts and feelings. Furthermore, listen actively instead of interrupting or judging by using non-verbal cues like nodding, eye contact, and leaning forward to show that you are paying attention. Summarize and reflect back what you hear to demonstrate understanding and ask clarifying questions if more information is needed. Finally, use positive and respectful language instead of negative and hostile language. Avoid sarcasm, insults, name-calling, or threats and appreciate and acknowledge the other person's contributions, efforts, or feelings.
I statements are a must - ‘When this happens, it makes me feel’, ‘I felt xx when that statement was said’, etc. It’s important to frame the conversation as well - ‘I would like to talk to you about x, is now a good time?’
The final step to resolving a conflict is to find a mutually acceptable and beneficial solution. You want to create a win-win outcome, not a win-lose or a lose-lose outcome. To do this, focus on the future rather than the past, brainstorm multiple options, negotiate and compromise instead of impose or surrender, and agree on action steps and follow-up. Don't settle for the first or easiest solution, be creative and flexible when considering the pros and cons of each option, look for ways to meet each other's needs and interests, specify who will do what and when to implement the solution, and set a date and time to check in with each other.
This comes back to what you wanted to get out of there conversation in the first place. Communicate that and then allow the other person to add to the final goal too. Start by saying, ‘It would be great if we could …’ so that the person you are speaking to listens with the end goal in mind.
The "perceptual positions" technique from NLP helps with this: it's about viewing a situation from different perspectives to gain insights. Ex: When you have a disagreement, put yourself in these positions: First Position (you): think about your thoughts, and concerns. How do you perceive the situation? What are your goals? Second Position: Now, put yourself in your colleague's shoes. What are their reasons for their stance? What are their goals? Third (Observer): Step back and take an objective view as if you were a neutral observer. What patterns & insights do you notice between you 2 as a neutral observer? Integration: With insights from the 3 positions, you can now work towards a resolution that takes into account both sides' needs.