What are some common challenges and opportunities for fostering resilience in leaders?

Some negative self talk is easily identifiable. “I am not good enough; everyone else here has more experience and education.” Or: “No one will ever hire me now that I have a gap in my resume.” When the negative self talk is clear, the work is to center on safe ways to shift your mindset. A simple trick is to ask yourself: What else is also true? Other times negative self talk gets masked as a positive part of our narrative. Or simply a fact that we can’t challenge. The belief that “hard work leads to my success” may be a true positive motivator for some. But for many it is a burn-out contributing belief. In these instances, the work centers on deepening awareness and seeing patterns. The core question: “How is this belief working for me?”

A valuable coaching method is to name your inner critic. This helps leaders notice when it’s taking over other voices in their mind, rather than immediately listening and deferring to it. Naming your inner critic gives you a sense of agency over your thoughts rather than being a slave to them. Resilience comes from having an internal locus of control knowing you can decide how to respond to adversity. The same applies to adverse thinking and self-talk.

Alongside CBT tools to challenge negative talk, self-compassion is very powerful in mediating the impact. Kristen Neff describes self-compassion as having 3 components: Mindfulness, Common Humanity and Kindness. This applies to being compassionate to others too. We must first be mindful and present enough with someone to realise they are in need, then identify with them at a human level. We all struggle sometimes and this could easily be us too. Then offer an act of kindness to help the person. Turn these principles towards self and you can deliberately cultivate self-compassion. 1) Notice you are in need 2) Forgive yourself for being human 3) Do an act of kindness towards self Essentially, shift self-talk to be a best friend to yourself

An interesting Korn Ferry study showed that learning agility is the top skill required for successful and sustained leadership. They explained that it’s knowing what to do when you don’t know what to do. Sounds confusing, right? But actually it’s like resilience - it’s being able to move forward even when you are being pushed every other way. And you do that through a growth mindset and curiosity and the commitment to adaptive behavior as opposed to staying stuck on the way you or things used to be.

One thing I found helpful was thinking through one or two examples of how I have done something which was tricky but successful Refuse to get depressed

In addition to exercises like mindfulness and breathing to be centered and regulate emotions, I like to suggest to my coaching clients that they surrender to the moment. Notice where they are fighting the reality in front of them. What are they holding onto so tightly that it is starting to create pain and struggle in their emotional well-being? Sometimes it’s a belief, or a need to be right, or a fear of how to deal with a change that’s coming. But acceptance is empowering. It is generally the ultimate step in everything, except we try to delay it as long as possible, creating unnecessary emotional drama for ourselves and others. And in the process, simply putting off the peace of mind we could be enjoying today.

When I work with clients we explore the idea that emotional regulation is not about stopping certain emotions, rather it is changing our behaviour in response to them. To begin with, most people don't distinguish between thoughts, emotions and behaviours. They all feel so closely linked, yet if we can separate them we can find space to choose our response. Before introducing mindfulness techniques to clients I share this cognitive awareness with them which for many is a lightbulb moment. Getting angry, frustrated or sad are important and normal emotions. How we respond to them is what is important. The goal is not emotional regulation, it is behavioural regulation with emotional acceptance.

Similar to the networking adage “dig your well before you’re thirsty” I encourage leaders to open up and offer help to those whose support you value, before you need their help. We often can forget it takes a village for most of what we do, because so much of our work feels individually overwhelming. But there is a system of people around you that keeps you able to work and each can either be seen as a gift to help you excel or a burden to limit your potential. And sometimes we mistakenly treat the gifts like burdens and don’t take time to understand why the burdensome ones are the way they are. Keep an open mind and offer help first. Then you can better assess who to keep in your circle but also ask for help when you need it.

I have clients who believe they are doing all they can to care for themselves but don’t realize they are just scratching the surface. Sure, exercising, sleep and time in nature are all powerful ways for busy leaders to stay resilient and healthy. But if you do it only when you feel like it or haven’t committed to the time it takes to see results, you’ll just start to look at it as another burden in your ongoing schedule of activities. When you practice self-care, be intentional. No need to be perfect and don’t have to be down if you miss a day. But when it’s time to do it, treat it like an experiment and fully commit. Then you can truly assess how it’s working or not for you.

Have you heard of a window of tolerance? When we are well, physically, mentally and emotionally, our tolerance increases and our window widens. If you've ever had a bad sleep and noticed how even small things start to annoy you, then you've experienced your window of tolerance narrowing. I often work with clients who have neglected self-care and are in survival mode. They are high-performing but have low wellbeing and as a result, their window of tolerance is reduced. Everything feels harder, they are more tired and yet to prioritise self-care is seen as indulgent or worse, selfish. I introduce the idea that self-care is self-less. Consistently engaging in things that keep us well means we can be there for others, both at work and at home

When you need to foster resilience in yourself and others, recognize that every setback is building your will and ability in this area. Look at adversity as the test of greatness, not the thing to avoid.