What role does communication play in resolving family conflicts?

I often joke that all communication self-help books are the same, no matter the audience. All effective communication involves being deeply present and attentive, listening for and responding to emotional cues, and responding from a place of non-judgement. You cannot control anyone but yourself, so it’s up to you to choose composure over bluster. You’ll find similar core messages in: - Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton & Sheila Heen - Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss - How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

Learning to listen to our kids - rather than wait for our turn to speak (or worse, interrupt) - is a skill worth developing and maintaining. And it can be SO hard, especially when we are all tired and stressed. If I don’t choose to stay calm and grounded, I risk escalating a situation. I try to stay curious, even in conflict. By listening for what my kid is trying to tell me, I can have a measured response that honors their dignity as an individual and as part of our family.

EQ is as important as IQ, if not more. When connecting with someone, it is important to understand where this person comes from emotionally. Emotional understanding trumps intellectual understanding in human relationships.

I actively listen for emotional cues. Non-judgmentally recognizing and acknowledging emotions helps family members settle those feelings. If a child tells you “I’m really angry” and our response is “no, you’re not angry” we teach our children not to trust their own feelings. Instead, try “tell me all about what made you angry.” And listen, without interrupting or attempting to fix anything. JUST listen. You’ll probably be surprised by what you find out! As parents and partners, by learning and practicing these skills, we can positively impact the emotional culture of our family.

If what you care about is being “right” and having the last word, then you’re not ready for conflict resolution. I had to work hard to unlearn my need to be right all the time so that I could listen for what really mattered and collaborate on solutions. Also, not every conflict will resolve right away. Being committed to a long-term relationship means being committed to continuing to work together even when things aren’t easy.

For parents of young children, it’s wonderful to invest in developmentally appropriate communications skills. Now that my kids are older, I can see how the lessons we started when they were little are still developing. As parents, we have to continue to develop and grow in our skills in order to best love and care for our kids as they face new challenges.