What do you do if your client becomes defensive during a difficult conversation as a Life Coach?

Having difficult conversations may cause short-term discomfort, but they can lead to long-term success. Here is a 10-step guide to mastering difficult conversations: 1. Prepare Ahead of Time 2. Choose the Right Time and Place 3. Use “I” Statements 4. Stay Calm and Respectful 5. Listen Actively 6. Seek Common Ground 7. Set Boundaries 8. Clarify Misunderstandings 9. Stay Solution-Focused 10. Follow Up Difficult conversations always push us out of our comfort zones, and we grow only outside of our comfort zones.

This is the time we need to “hold the space” for the client. Stay calm and hold the space for the client: - a safe space for the client to be heard - a safe space for the client to reflect - a safe space for the client to be aware and understand the emotions The client is going through a journey that is important and maybe difficult, be there for him /her. Our calm energy, attentive listening is what they need.

Hold on, getting defensive is a sign we hit a nerve, but it's a good nerve! Here's my approach: Acknowledge, don't attack: "I hear some frustration, and that's totally valid." This shows I'm listening and validates their feelings. Reframe and redirect: "Let's explore why this feels defensive. What worries you most about this change?" I shift the focus from blame to understanding the root of the resistance. Find common ground: "We both want what's best for you. How can we approach this challenge collaboratively?" This reminds them we're on the same team and opens the door to finding solutions together. By staying calm and empathetic, we can turn a defensive wall into a bridge to progress.

Me pasó varias veces, sin embargo tuve un cliente que fue todo un desafío para ambos. Como Coach tuvimos un buen comienzo de sesión. Como cliente al avanzar llegamos a un punto ciego. Obtuve varias se?ales de confirmación y detuve la sesión. Le ofrecí reencuadrar la situación planteada. En resumen, mi opinión como profesional siempre es detener la sesión para revisar las barreras defensivas. Sea cauto.

First acknowledge your client's feelings and perspectives without judgment, you validate their experience. This validation doesn't mean you agree with everything they say, but it shows that you are trying to understand their point of view. Empathetic reflection can lower barriers and remind your client that you are on their side, working together to overcome challenges. Then clarify that your role is to support, not to criticize or attack. You might say, "My intention is to help you explore this issue so you can find the best way forward." This reassurance can help shift the client's perception of the conversation from confrontational to collaborative. Clear communication about your intentions sets the stage for a more open dialogue.

In these moments, I believe less is more. Allow for some quiet time to breathe and reflect (both parties). We need time for the emotions to work their way through and for thoughts to marinade. We then come together with perhaps a conversation based on rational thinking, perspective and action planning.

Cuando detenga la sesión y obtenga la aceptación de reencuadrar y recomenzar por parte del cliente, evalúe lo que le dice la corporalidad de su cliente, su rostro, como esta sentado, su tono de voz. Obtenga la respuesta de seguir o comenzar otro día. Puede que su cliente necesite procesar la sesión.

Acknowledge their emotions: Validate their feelings with phrases like "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated right now" or "This seems like a sensitive topic for you." Use reflective statements like "I can understand why you might be feeling defensive about this" or "This situation seems challenging, and it's natural to feel that way." Focus on "we" instead of "you": Shift the focus to a collaborative approach. You can say, "Let's see if we can work through this together" or "We can explore this further if you're open to it." Use nonverbal cues: Maintain eye contact (not stare) , nod your head to show you're listening, and avoid interrupting. You don't have to condone their actions, but you can acknowledge their feelings.

Coaching Challenges As a coach, we must be self-aware and careful not to pick up the emotions of our clients and feel it ourselves. We someone is defensive towards us; it is natural to want to respond by defending ourselves. However, the focus should always be on the client. Everything in the coaching session is about them and their needs. The coach may be the only person there to receive the anger, or to hear the justification of an unhealthy action. However, it is important to not get emotionally invested and maintain neutrality. We must be careful not to develop shared belief syndrome with our clients, but question how their beliefs internalized. Not “why”.

Sometimes defensiveness arises from misunderstandings, about intentions. It's important to clarify that your aim is to provide support not to criticize or attack. You might express "I'm here to assist you in navigating this matter together so we can discover the path forward." Offering this reassurance can shift the clients perception of the discussion from adversarial to cooperative. Clearly communicating your motives establishes a foundation, for an fruitful conversation.

Express Your Goal: State your purpose: Briefly explain why you're bringing up this topic and what you hope to achieve. You can say something like, "The reason I brought this up is because I want to help you overcome..." or "My intention here is to explore some options that might be helpful for you in this situation." Offer Alternative Approaches: Suggest options: If the client feels strongly against discussing a particular topic, suggest alternative ways to approach the issue. You could say, "Perhaps there's another way to look at this. Would you be open to exploring...?" Focus on Understanding: Emphasize curiosity: Let the client know you're genuinely interested in understanding their perspective. Ask open-ended questions.

Sometimes defensiveness arises from misunderstandings about intentions. It's important to clarify that your role is to support, not to criticize or attack. You might say, "My intention is to help you explore this issue so you can find the best way forward." This reassurance can help shift the client's perception of the conversation from confrontational to collaborative.

Ask the Right Questions According to Sternad in Developing Coaching Skills (2021), “Coaching is a purposeful interaction in which one person (the coach) uses a questioning approach to help another person (the coachee) think through challenging issues, raise their self-awareness, consider their options, and take the right actions to realize their full potential and reach their personal or professional goals.” In the questioning approach, we must be sure we are asking “what” questions, and not “why” questions. “Why” questions put the coach in the position of giving advice about what the person being coached should do, rather than stimulating critical thinking skills within the coachee.

Coach the Person, Not the Problem Remind the coachee that we are here to help them achieve their goals and become independent. What is unique about a coach is that our intent is to work ourselves out of a job. Remind the client that coaching is not mentoring, counseling, or therapy, so there is no need to defend themselves or their actions. According to Reynolds, in Coaching the Person, Not the Problem (2020), “The client always knows more than you do about what to do next.” Our jobs as coaches are to expand our client’s awareness and ability to relate to the situation differently. Sometimes, the shift of focus from the problem to the person results in an automatic defensive reaction.

If you notice that the other person becomes defensive frequently consider modifying your strategy. You could switch topics temporarily alter your language choice or adjust your communication style to better suit the individuals preferences. Pay attention to what prompts their reactions and make changes accordingly. The objective is to maintain a connection, with the individual while addressing concerns. Demonstrating flexibility indicates your dedication to their development and well being.

Shift Gears: Recognize the shift: The first step is acknowledging the client's defensiveness. You can simply say, "It seems like this topic is bringing up some strong emotions for you. Find a new angle: If the specific topic is triggering their defensiveness, try approaching it from a different angle. Ask open-ended questions that explore the underlying issue without directly confronting the sensitive area. Focus on Values: Connect to core beliefs: Sometimes, defensiveness stems from a perceived threat to a client's core values. Explore their values and see how the coaching session aligns with them. Give them control: When clients feel defensive, it can be helpful to offer them choices and a sense of control.

Empower exploration: Instead of providing solutions directly, ask open-ended questions that guide the client towards self-discovery. Remind your client of their past successes and strengths. You can say, "Remember how you effectively navigated a challenging situation last month? Emphasize "You" Statements; Move away from "we" or "I" statements and use "you" statements to empower your client. Instead of dictating solutions, brainstorm ideas together. Ask, "What are some strategies you think might help overcome this obstacle?" or "How can we work together to create a plan that works for you?" Celebrate Accomplishments: Acknowledge even small steps forward. Say things like, "I appreciate you taking ownership of this situation"

I think if a client becomes defensive in a coaching space - which should be a ‘safe’ space in which they don’t feel judged - then it can be used to help them learn something valuable about themselves. As their coach, I would first remind them that they are in a judgement-free zone; then hold a ‘mirror’ up for them, articulating back to them their (defensive) reaction (without necessarily calling it out as defensive); and then invite them to reflect on how it sounds. Defensiveness usually comes from a place of fear, so at some point in the exploration of the topic I might ask in an open ended way what is the underlying fear. And I would check, what have you learned so far?

Encourage your client to understand and acknowledge their emotions and responses. Guide them in realizing that they have the power to choose how they react to difficulties and that being defensive is a decision, not an obligation. By promoting self awareness and accountability you enable your client to tackle discussions, with a feeling of empowerment and assurance which're essential, for individual development.

Recognize and acknowledge your client's emotions, as this helps them feel understood and supported. However, emphasize that while their feelings are valid, they have control over how they choose to act on them. Encourage your client to reflect on their emotional responses and identify triggers that lead to defensiveness. This self-awareness can help them manage their reactions more effectively. Help your client develop active listening skills, such as paying attention, paraphrasing, and asking clarifying questions. This enables them to engage in conversations with curiosity and empathy, reducing the likelihood of defensiveness.

Este es uno de los momentos claves de un Coach de Vida. Hablamos de una situación puntual de ponerse a la defensiva, pero habrán muchas situaciones en que nuestro cliente se enfrentará con sus propios sue?os, situaciones del pasado, fracasos. Para todo esto refuerce siempre que él o ella tiene los recursos para lograr el éxito. Ud está ahí para apoyar y guiar.

Don't forget to let your client know that everyone goes through conversations at some point. Show your support. Let them know that it's okay to feel defensive. Encourage them to see beyond their emotions and concentrate on the outcomes of addressing problems. Your encouragement can be a guiding light leading them toward improved communication and self improvement.

If your client becomes defensive during a difficult conversation, stay calm and show empathy. Listen actively without interrupting and let them express their feelings. Gently explain that your goal is to support their growth, not to criticize them. Ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective and validate their feelings to build trust. Refocus the conversation on their goals and remind them that tough discussions are part of reaching those goals. Offer support and resources to help them through the challenges, ensuring they feel understood and supported.

1. Maintain a Non-Defensive Posture: Keep your body language open and non-confrontational. Avoid crossing your arms, which can be perceived as defensive. 2. Focus on the Issue, Not the Person: Address the behaviour or situation rather than making it about the client's character. For instance, "Let’s look at this specific challenge and how we can address it together." 3. Set Boundaries: If the defensiveness turns into aggression or disrespect, it’s important to set clear boundaries. You might say, "I want to continue this conversation in a way that’s respectful for both of us. Can we agree to focus on finding solutions together?"

Use active listening and make them feel heard. Give your client the space to express their feelings and concerns without interrupting. Validate their emotions by acknowledging their feelings. Phrases like "I can see this is really important to you" can help.

When we challenge beliefs and value system without taking time to understand the client's journey the client feels threatened and questioned hence the defensive stance. A non judgemental and empathic approach premised on active listening and questions that enable the client to shift their RAS has a better chance in changing mindset or shifting Paradigm. Patience is key and staying calm and non defensive as coach will help ease the tension.