Feedback is essential for learning and improving, but it can also trigger stress and defensiveness, especially if it is negative, vague, or unexpected. How can you cope with feedback that makes you feel anxious, angry, or insecure? Here are some tips to help you manage your emotions and respond constructively.
The first step is to acknowledge how you feel and why. Feedback can activate your fight-or-flight response, which can cloud your judgment and make you react impulsively. Instead of ignoring or suppressing your emotions, try to name them and understand their source. For example, you might feel hurt because you think the feedback is unfair, or frustrated because you don't know how to improve. By acknowledging your feelings, you can reduce their intensity and gain some perspective.
Listen to your feelings! At the same time, listen to them as you would a good friend - acknowledging their good intentions and validity from their perspective, but also not necessarily "the truth." Just as with a friend, what is really being communicated is underneath the feeling: is it safety? validation? approval? Making a habit of coming back to the feeling for serious reflection will also allow your feelings to trust you, letting you put them to the side for the moment because they will be genuinely heard later. Also, it is ok to take a break, a breath, just to pause the talking for a moment to recenter yourself. Any supervisor worth their salt will treasure that honesty and value that space for you to be totally present afterwards.
The second step is to seek clarification and ask questions. Feedback can be unclear, incomplete, or inaccurate, which can cause confusion and misunderstanding. Instead of assuming the worst or jumping to conclusions, try to understand the feedback giver's intention and expectations. For example, you might ask them to explain what they mean by a certain comment, or to provide specific examples or suggestions. By seeking clarification, you can avoid misinterpretation and learn from the feedback.
The third step is to express gratitude and appreciation. Feedback can be a gift, even if it is hard to hear or accept. It shows that someone cares about your growth and development, and wants to help you succeed. Instead of taking feedback personally or defensively, try to see it as an opportunity and a challenge. For example, you might thank the feedback giver for their time and effort, or for their honesty and support. By expressing gratitude, you can build trust and rapport with the feedback giver.
Gratitude is the greatest antidote to stress. Seek to hear in order to understand - not necessarily to agree or take it personally, just to understand this other person's perspective. Understanding that the feedback is another person's perspective allows you to hear it without necessarily taking it personally. You are learning about /them/, or the company, or the office, or whatever. Opening curiosity with gratitude is a game changer.
The fourth step is to reflect and act on the feedback. Feedback can be a catalyst for change and improvement, but only if you use it wisely and effectively. Instead of dismissing or ignoring the feedback, try to evaluate it objectively and critically. For example, you might ask yourself what you can learn from the feedback, or what you can do differently or better. By reflecting and acting on the feedback, you can demonstrate your willingness and ability to grow and improve.
The fifth step is to seek feedback regularly and proactively. Feedback can be a habit and a skill, but only if you practice it frequently and consistently. Instead of waiting for feedback to come to you, or avoiding it altogether, try to ask for it yourself and from different sources. For example, you might request feedback from your colleagues, clients, or mentors, or from different projects, tasks, or situations. By seeking feedback regularly, you can reduce your stress and defensiveness, and increase your confidence and competence.
The sixth step is to share your feedback with others and reciprocally. Feedback can be a dialogue and a collaboration, but only if you communicate it clearly and respectfully. Instead of withholding or imposing your feedback, try to offer it as a gift and a service. For example, you might share your feedback with your peers, managers, or subordinates, or with different teams, departments, or organizations. By sharing your feedback, you can contribute to the learning and improvement of others and yourself.