How do you use active listening and open-ended questions to facilitate a productive dialogue?

It concerns me that active listening is often treated as a tactical skill that has to be trained while, in essence, it stems from genuine care and interest in our teammates and what they have to say. Working on your humanity and ability to be a good friend is paradoxically the easiest way to master it in professional settings as well.

The best way to practice active listening is to have a genuine interest in what the person is saying, with making conclusions only after the person has finished. If you are listening but thinking about what you will say or what is the best question to ask, in the middle of the conversation, you won't be paying full attention.

Open-ended questions are a great way to demonstrate your interest in the topic or person, e.g. how does X make you feel? Also, you can use it to deep dive into any aspect that you are keen to learn more, e.g. can you tell me a bit more about X?

These two tools/ techniques can go a long way to build rapport. By actively listening, you will demonstrate respect and genuine interest in the other person, whilst by asking open-ended questions you have an opportunity to demonstrate how much you care (about the topic and/ or about the person).

It's key that, when asking an open-ended question, you don't demonstrate any sort of bias. For instance, if you ask something along the lines of 'How did you avoid X to make you feel negative about X' you are already giving away your own opinion. Similarly, sometimes it's not easy to find the balance between active listening and being able to ask prompt and insightful questions but try to allow all points to be finished before you ask/ offer your comments.

You may feel more grounded in entering the conversation if you plan some responses - especially those that may help you find common ground. However, be aware that it can also backfire if the conversation goes completely off the rails. If you are facing a particularly tough talk, consider seeking guidance or advice from a trusted mentor or colleague who may have experience handling a similar situation.

Executive coaches can be a huge help to prepare for difficult conversations. They can help you plan and even role play to prepare in a safe, practice environment.

The key to a successful conversation is to ensure that you don't start your sentences with 'YOU', as this will feel like an accusation to the other person. Instead, make sure that your sentences start with either a fact or 'I' to ensure that the focus is kept on what you have to say and the way that something makes you feel. For example, rather than say: 'You didn't do the report I asked for on-time.' say something like 'The report that was due by X time was not completed on time and that put me in a difficult position with the key stakeholders of the project.'

As you prepare to have a difficult conversation with someone, remember that your anticipation may elevate your own emotional state which can run counter to being an engaged listener. You may want to ensure that you give yourself at least 30 minutes to decompress prior to and following the discussion so that you don't feel rushed. Practice deep breathing exercises prior to the discussion to lower your heart rate. While you may be going into this discussion knowing that there is a conflict or disagreement, you will be more effective if you ensure this to be a two way dialogue. That means that while you have done your preparations, you need to remain open and curious to learn things you did not know going into the conversation.

The best to follow-up is to agree, at the end of the conversation, when the next catch-up will be so that you manage expectations. Additionally, all actions should be agree and written in an email following the conversation, to ensure that both sides are 100% clear in what has been agreed.

Following up with the outcome and next steps in writing can be smart. The communication doesn’t have to be overly formal to work. A clear, short email sent quickly after the conversation can provide a valuable marker to keep all parties on the same page.