De-escalation is a skill that can help you handle difficult or tense situations with calmness and respect. It can also prevent or reduce the chances of a hostile conversation in the first place, which can save you time, energy, and stress. Here are some tips on how to do that.
Before you engage in a conversation that might be challenging or sensitive, do some research and planning. Find out the facts, the goals, and the expectations of the other party. Anticipate their questions, concerns, and objections. Think of ways to address them constructively and respectfully. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the conversation. Remind yourself of your purpose, your values, and your boundaries.
Note that being prepared and learning all you can about the other person’s expectations is not the same as being able to magically read their mind, intuit their thoughts, or reduce them to the data you have gathered. It is important that you use any information gathered as background and allow the individual person with whom you are communicating to be the primary source of expectations, hopes, and goals. Avoiding assumptions at the outset will go a long way towards creating an environment in which each party is able to feel heard and understood, and easily avoidable misunderstandings may be most effectively avoided. Fixing miscommunication before it occurs is the best way to avoid confrontational and negative interactions.
One of the most important ways to prevent or reduce hostility is to show respect to the other person. Respect their opinions, feelings, and needs, even if you disagree with them. Use polite and courteous language, tone, and body language. Avoid interrupting, criticizing, or blaming them. Acknowledge their points and validate their emotions. Express appreciation for their time and attention.
Another way to prevent or reduce hostility is to show empathy to the other person. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. It can help you build rapport, trust, and connection with them. To show empathy, listen actively and attentively to what they are saying. Ask open-ended questions to clarify and explore their perspective. Reflect back what you hear and feel. Express your understanding and support.
Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear, direct, and respectful way. It can help you prevent or reduce hostility by avoiding passive-aggressive or aggressive behaviors that can trigger or escalate conflict. To be assertive, use "I" statements to communicate your position, preferences, and requests. State the facts, not the judgments. Focus on the solutions, not the problems. Respectfully disagree or decline when necessary.
Being flexible means being willing and able to adapt to changing situations and circumstances. It can help you prevent or reduce hostility by avoiding rigid or unrealistic expectations that can lead to frustration or disappointment. To be flexible, keep an open mind and a positive attitude. Consider different options and alternatives. Compromise or negotiate when possible. Accept what you cannot change or control.
Being proactive means taking action before a problem arises or worsens. It can help you prevent or reduce hostility by addressing issues early and effectively. To be proactive, monitor the situation and the mood of the conversation. Notice any signs of tension, confusion, or dissatisfaction. Ask for feedback or clarification. Check in with the other person regularly. Offer help or assistance. Apologize or correct any mistakes.
A hostile conversation often can just be a symptom of poor communication and assumptions. I was once told, "if you do not say anything, others will put words in your mouth for you". Others will make assumptions about your intent and reasoning if you do not explain them. To help mitigate incorrect assumptions and keep things running smoothly it really helps to not only discuss a plan of action, for example, but also the goal of the plan and the reasoning for why it is being handled as it is, while being open to feedback.
In the workplace, you need to remember that customers are speaking with you because you're in the position to help them. They may be frustrated about a process but you are still in charge of the process and are there to help. Understand that its their frustration speaking and not really them, let them know you are available to help but that's only if they let you. This takes away hostility in the conversation.