How do you manage conflicts with others?

Two of my strategies for identifying the source are 1) exposure and 2) cushioning phrases. 1) By exposure, I mean exposure to other perspectives in your situation. In teaching, exposure to other teachers' stories sometimes helped, but often simply mirrored what I already knew. Instead, I sought student stories to give me unfiltered insights into what school situations or teacher behaviors most upset them. 2) By cushioning phrases, I mean how you convey genuine interest in learning the source. Phrases like "I'm sorry... I know this is frustrating... Help me understand... Can I ask..." can keep questions from feeling invasive or aggressive. Depending on the situation, it can help to be less formal here.

Approach the other person calmly without feelings of pretense so that they don’t feel like you are attacking them. Then start by asking them how they feel about the issue and where they were coming from. Try to understand their actions and behavior. Be firm but gentle, and let them know that you want to resolve the issue and that you want to listen and care about what they have to say. Truly listen to their concerns and employ empathy into the conversation and don’t interrupt them. After you’ve listened, take your turn to explain where you were coming from. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with the other person and ask them questions to clear up any confusion about the conflict. Remember that HOW you navigate the conflict is the key here.

One thing I've found helpful in identifying the source of any conflict is to have an "outsider" perspective. If a friend was in your situation, what advice would you give them? It's much easier to see the root of an issue when you're not emotionally connected to it. If you're having a hard time identifying the source of your conflict, this method can help you find it clearly with a fresh perspective.

I have found it helpful to understand the background of the person with whom you are having the conflict. Sometimes cultural differences can lead to misunderstandings which, if we aren't attuned to, can inadvertently cause conflict. So, my go to is to step back, take a breath and look at what happened through the other person's perspective. Say back to them what they have told you so that you have clarity and rework the misunderstanding into a conversation without judgment.

Where at all possible, address the bulk of conflict in private. Public address, if unavoidable, should be mild deflection, redirection, or relocation. Whether in meetings or classrooms, useful phrases might be "Let's talk about that later... We're not talking about this right now... Let's meet for a few minutes after this..." or the like. If needed, even saying "Let's talk over here" and getting some physical distance from others is good. Consider as well addressing conflict digitally or in person. Depending on how it's handled, each can feel more or less formal and have its own pros and cons. Talking in person has the benefit of immediacy and nuance, but digital can give someone who's conflict-avoidant or reactive the chance to regulate.

This is a important step that will help both parties be in the right state of mind to address the conflict in a healthy way. If you know the other party personally, this can be an easy decision. However, in a professional setting, it might be more difficult to find the right time and place. My rule of thumb for a work setting is never during work hours, try lunch hour or after hours. Depending on the severity of the conflict, you might even be able to resolve it through a kind digital message or physical note sent directly.

Remote work environments make this a little easier as you can immediately mute your microphone and then send a quick private note to the person, letting them know that you heard what they said and will be setting up a separate time for the 2 of you to talk so that you can better understand their point of view. Keep it casual so that issues can be resolved.

While I agree we should avoid accusatory "you" statements, the emotional language of the sample "I" statement still tends to make people defensive. It makes the conflict more about navigating feelings than handling behavior. "Having trouble" or "struggling" are useful phrases, along with support questions and collaborative language. From the example, try saying "I noticed you're struggling to come in on time, can I ask what's going on?" or "I'm having trouble with my workflows because I need to wait on you to come in. Is there a way we can reorganize to fix that?" This is also a great time to honor people's autonomy and needs. A follow-up could be "I don't want to get frustrated waiting on you, and I know you're dealing with bad commute."

Avoiding accusatory language is key here. Accusations cause others to become defensive, which can then snowball into them going on the offensive, and things devolve from there. This leads to a potential for an unproductive conversation, which usually week turn into an argument and hurt feelings. Being empathetic is important. What would I want someone to say to me? I would want to be treated with respect and kindness and would therefore do the same in this situation. Asking, rather than accusing.

A good way to start is to avoid assumptions of motivation. As a teacher, I constantly heard assumptions of "That teacher hates me" or "They're just blowing off the assignment." These regularly informed the tone of conflicts, delaying or outright preventing resolution. If nothing else, add "It feels like..." followed by openly acknowledging it's wrong and seeking their side. "It feels like you're just blowing this off, but I know it's not that simple. What am I missing?" Additionally, paraphrasing gets a bad rap because it can feel awkward, like grade-school mediation. Work it in naturally if you can, but even saying "I'm going to paraphrase to make sure I understand, let me know if I get it wrong" is enough of a framework.

Being an active listener is so critical. Avoid listening in order to respond. Listen actively and then 'say it back.' This shows that you are present. It shows your interest and respects the other persons point of view.

I like to show true interest and care about what the person is sharing, by saying, "Can you tell me more about...?", and "You've given me a lot to consider. Do you mind if I take this away and circle back after having some time to think through what you've shared?" I also like to diffuse tension by saying things like, "I'm so glad you shared that perspective because it wasn't on my radar." Dropping some ego and creating a psychologically safe space can go a long way in helping everyone feel heard and respected.

When managing conflict with others, it's important to stay calm and avoid getting defensive or aggressive. Try to understand the other person's perspective and feelings, and communicate your own thoughts and feelings in a clear and respectful way. Listen actively to what the other person is saying, and ask questions to clarify any misunderstandings. Look for common ground and try to find a mutually acceptable solution to the problem. If necessary, seek the help of a neutral third party, such as a mediator, to facilitate the discussion. Remember that conflict can be an opportunity for growth and learning, and that by working through it constructively, you can strengthen your relationship with the other person.

This is why avoiding loaded emotion words can be crucial, especially in a work setting. Is your priority to fix feelings, or fix functionality? "I'm upset with how you talked to me" might be true, but the focus is on the feeling. "You yelling at me in the meeting wasn't ideal. I get what happened, but sometimes I'll need something from you when you're that busy. How would you prefer I approach you?" acknowledges your needs, respects their situation, and actively seeks their input for the solution. If you're in a position of authority, this is a great time to use support language. "This has to happen, so would it help if I did this? What are your ideas?"

Knowing that you have a common goal to seek a solution together is very helpful. It diffuses a volatile situation. Showing that you understand and want to move together to attain a compromise where you both can feel more comfortable with a solution that works for both you. Discuss how you would like to communicate going forward... and what that would look like.

Try to provide kudos to the other person, to their supervisor, or in a group setting whenever an authentic opportunity arises. Demonstrate that you respect them and their unique perspectives and ability to rise above a prior conflict. This can help reset the relationship and encourage moving forward with a clean or reset slate.

Try to provide kudos to the other person, to their supervisor, or in a group setting whenever an authentic opportunity arises. Demonstrate that you respect them and their unique perspectives and ability to rise above a prior conflict. This can help reset the relationship and encourage moving forward with a clean or reset slate.