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How can you use mindfulness to set clear and realistic expectations for a difficult conversation?

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Difficult conversations can be stressful, challenging, and emotionally draining. Whether you need to address a conflict, give feedback, or negotiate a deal, you may feel anxious, defensive, or angry. However, you can use mindfulness to set clear and realistic expectations for a difficult conversation and improve your communication skills. Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment with curiosity and openness, without judgment or reactivity. Here are some ways you can apply mindfulness to prepare for and handle a difficult conversation.

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1 Identify your purpose

Before you initiate a difficult conversation, ask yourself what you want to achieve from it. What is the main message you want to convey? What are your goals and needs? What are the possible outcomes and consequences? By clarifying your purpose, you can focus on what matters and avoid getting sidetracked by irrelevant or emotional issues. You can also use your purpose as a guide to frame your conversation in a positive and constructive way.

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2 Manage your emotions

Difficult conversations can trigger strong emotions that may cloud your judgment, impair your listening, and escalate the conflict. To prevent this, you need to manage your emotions with mindfulness. You can do this by noticing your physical sensations, thoughts, and feelings, and acknowledging them without reacting to them. You can also use breathing exercises, meditation, or other relaxation techniques to calm yourself down and reduce stress. By managing your emotions, you can stay composed, respectful, and rational during the conversation.

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Dawn Sandoval

LPC, CAADC, NCC
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If either party is struggling to manage their emotions, and the conversation is going nowhere, suggest tabling the conversation for 24 hours until you have a chance to regulate them. No good work is done in emotion mind. Marsha Linehan speaks of using “Wise mind” as that mind that has that perfect mix of reason and emotion and is your gut instinct. Tabling should go no longer than 24 hours. The longer it is put off, the longer it is ignored.

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3 Listen actively

One of the most important skills for a difficult conversation is active listening. Active listening means paying attention to what the other person is saying, without interrupting, judging, or dismissing them. You can use mindfulness to listen actively by being fully present and curious about the other person's perspective, feelings, and needs. You can also use paraphrasing, summarizing, and asking open-ended questions to show that you understand and empathize with them. By listening actively, you can build rapport, trust, and mutual respect with the other person.

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Heather Grinar, LPC

Clinic Director @ Ellie Mental Health - Havertown
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Active listening is the number one tool to successful communication. It is a skill that takes practice to develop. One technique I find helpful is reflection and seeking clarity. When you start your response with "I heard you say...is that correct?" before giving your own thoughts on the topic, you are indicating that you value their message and want to understand them better. Too often we are not listening but only waiting for our turn to talk. By being mindful and present you will be able to stop misunderstandings before they start.

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4 Express yourself clearly

Another key skill for a difficult conversation is clear expression. Clear expression means stating your point of view, feelings, and needs in a direct, honest, and respectful way. You can use mindfulness to express yourself clearly by being aware of your tone, body language, and word choice, and avoiding blame, criticism, or defensiveness. You can also use "I" statements, assertive communication, and positive feedback to convey your message in a non-threatening and constructive way. By expressing yourself clearly, you can avoid misunderstandings, confusion, and resentment with the other person.

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5 Seek solutions

The ultimate goal of a difficult conversation is to find solutions that work for both parties. To achieve this, you need to seek solutions with mindfulness. You can do this by being open-minded, flexible, and creative, and exploring different options and alternatives. You can also use negotiation, compromise, and collaboration skills to reach a mutually beneficial agreement. By seeking solutions, you can resolve the conflict, improve the relationship, and achieve your desired outcomes.

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Heather Grinar, LPC

Clinic Director @ Ellie Mental Health - Havertown
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It is also important to use mindfulness to recognize when a specific solution is not possible. You may have clarity and conviction on what you believe to be the best solution, this does not always mean it will be agreed upon. Mindfulness can help you recognize that "agree to disagree" is a possible solution indicating further discussion on the topic is not necessary or wise.

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6 Reflect and learn

After a difficult conversation, you can use mindfulness to reflect and learn from the experience. You can do this by reviewing what went well and what could be improved, and identifying the key takeaways and lessons learned. You can also use gratitude, forgiveness, and compassion to appreciate the other person's efforts, let go of any negative feelings, and heal any wounds. By reflecting and learning, you can grow as a communicator, a leader, and a person.

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7 Here’s what else to consider

This is a space to share examples, stories, or insights that don’t fit into any of the previous sections. What else would you like to add?

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How can you use mindfulness to set clear and realistic expectations for a difficult conversation?

1

2

3

4

5

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1 Identify your purpose

2 Manage your emotions

3 Listen actively

4 Express yourself clearly

5 Seek solutions

6 Reflect and learn

7 Here’s what else to consider

Mindfulness

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How can you use mindfulness to set clear and realistic expectations for a difficult conversation?

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

1 Identify your purpose

2 Manage your emotions

3 Listen actively

4 Express yourself clearly

5 Seek solutions

6 Reflect and learn

7 Here’s what else to consider

Mindfulness

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