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How can you set boundaries while actively listening to someone's story?

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Active listening is a key skill for peer support, as it helps you to empathize, validate, and understand the person you are supporting. However, active listening can also be emotionally draining and challenging, especially if you are dealing with difficult or traumatic stories. How can you set boundaries while actively listening to someone's story, without compromising your compassion and connection? Here are some tips to help you balance your role as a listener and your own self-care.

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Yubaraj Adhikari, PhD

Psychologist, MHPSS Practitioner and Researcher
Angela Page

Finance, Operations, Growth and Business Optimization Strategist
Kapil Sharma

Psychologist II Founder at Better Mind

1 Know your limits

Before you engage in active listening, be aware of your own emotional and physical state, and what kind of stories or topics might trigger or overwhelm you. If you feel that you are not in a good position to listen, or that the story is too much for you to handle, it is okay to say so and refer the person to another source of support. You can also set a time limit for the conversation, and let the person know that you will have to end it at a certain point. This way, you can avoid burnout and resentment, and respect your own needs and boundaries.

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Tess L.

Service Desk Administrator | Volunteer Community Coordinator at International Aid for the Protection & Welfare of Animals
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It's vital to start the process with a good set of boundaries. Clearly define your role, making it know that you are there to listen and support, but will not be acting beyond that. Make sure you have communicated any limitations you have in providing advice or solutions, and set clear expectations. Be aware of your own emotional and mental limits, know when to take a break or refer someone for further support.

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2 Use affirming language

Active listening does not mean that you have to agree with everything the person says, or that you have to solve their problems. It means that you have to show that you are listening, that you care, and that you respect their perspective. You can use affirming language to do this, such as reflecting back what they said, summarizing their main points, asking open-ended questions, and expressing empathy. Affirming language can also help you to avoid giving advice, judging, or interrupting the person, which can make them feel invalidated or defensive.

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3 Check in with yourself

Active listening can be emotionally taxing, as you are exposed to the person's feelings, thoughts, and experiences. It is important to check in with yourself during and after the conversation, and notice how you are feeling and reacting. You can use self-talk, breathing exercises, or other coping strategies to calm yourself down, or to acknowledge and process your emotions. You can also ask for feedback from the person, or from a supervisor or a colleague, to see how you did and what you can improve.

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Yubaraj Adhikari, PhD

Psychologist, MHPSS Practitioner and Researcher
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The situation is a bit vague. In therapy, the therapist applies micro-skills and fundamentals of active listening (confidentiality, non-judgmental behavior, responding with keywords, summarization, paraphrasing, empathy, etc.) to genuinely present warmth and openness to listen to the concern of the client. Often, the clients are unaware of the therapy processes that hinder the boundary-setting process. In the initial stage, the therapist has a bit of liberty to focus and navigate the process to build trust and develop therapeutic alliances before focusing on problem management. The therapist need time to understand the client's socio-cultural, religious, relational and systemic aspects which impacts boundary-setting/therapeutic alliances.

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4 Take a break

After active listening, you may need some time to recharge and recover from the emotional impact of the conversation. You can take a break by doing something that makes you happy, relaxed, or energized, such as reading, listening to music, exercising, or meditating. You can also reach out to your own support network, such as friends, family, or other peer supporters, and share your feelings and experiences. Taking a break can help you to prevent compassion fatigue, and to maintain your well-being and resilience.

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Stephanie Rand

Insurance Verification Specialist, Access Operations | Optum Insight Supporting ProHealth Care
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It is important to take a break, walk away, or excuse yourself from the conversation when under stress. Everyone handles stressful situations differently and it is also important to show compassion when others might need to take a moment to themselves.

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5 Seek professional help

Sometimes, active listening can expose you to stories or situations that are beyond your scope of practice or expertise, such as abuse, violence, suicide, or mental illness. In these cases, you may need to seek professional help, either for yourself or for the person you are supporting. You can consult with a mental health professional, such as a counselor, therapist, or psychologist, to get guidance, support, and treatment. You can also refer the person to a crisis line, a helpline, or a specialized service, to ensure that they get the appropriate and timely help they need.

Active listening is a valuable and rewarding skill for peer support, but it also requires that you set boundaries and take care of yourself. By following these tips, you can be a better listener, and a healthier and happier peer supporter.

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6 Here’s what else to consider

This is a space to share examples, stories, or insights that don’t fit into any of the previous sections. What else would you like to add?

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Angela Page

Finance, Operations, Growth and Business Optimization Strategist
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Being honest and kind about our actions goes a long way. If I have to cut a conversation short, I will explain my challenge to the person on the other end and acknowledge their emotions at the same time. In the same way, if I don’t know what to say or how to help, I will openly share that. It allows me to let people know I care, and still set boundaries if I am not the right resource to help them.

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Kapil Sharma

Psychologist II Founder at Better Mind
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In my experience, having preparation time before a session and reflection time after each session and asking the following questions helped: Before a session - Am I prepared to listen, what am I carrying on my mental plate? After a session- What is hitting me personally, is there anything (mental baggage) I need to put off? Doing this after each session and tracking the progress may be a good starter.

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Hattie Pacheco, ATR

Art Therapist & Psychotherapist at Therapy Cooperative
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In my practice it is always a good idea to get supervision or peer consolation after a difficult session or day. It’s good self care and it will help you debrief and de-stress so you don’t take it home with you. Getting proper rest is very important for our work.

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How can you set boundaries while actively listening to someone's story?

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1 Know your limits

2 Use affirming language

3 Check in with yourself

4 Take a break

5 Seek professional help

6 Here’s what else to consider

Peer Support

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How can you set boundaries while actively listening to someone's story?

1

2

3

4

5

6

1 Know your limits

2 Use affirming language

3 Check in with yourself

4 Take a break

5 Seek professional help

6 Here’s what else to consider

Peer Support

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