Conflicts are inevitable in any human interaction, but they can also be opportunities for learning, growth, and mutual understanding. However, to achieve these positive outcomes, you need to know how to resolve conflicts respectfully and constructively. Here are some tips to help you do that.
Before you try to solve a conflict, you need to understand what caused it and how it affects you and the other person. Is it a misunderstanding, a difference of opinion, a clash of values, or a personal issue? How do you feel about the situation and the other person? How do they feel about you and the situation? Try to look at the conflict from both perspectives and avoid making assumptions or judgments.
One thing that's really important is understanding the people involved in the conflict on a personal level. What are their values and what do they speak impassionately about? What are their boundaries and triggers? What is their communication style and what are their blindspots? Attempting to resolve any conflict without insight into these topics risks exacerbating the initial rift through the pushing of faulty resolutions. Understand the parties individually before attempting to understand the conflict fully. If you aren't familiar with the parties involved in this conflict, reflect on whether or not you are the right person to address this conflict and who else might be better suited. Listen attentively after asking "what do YOU need?"
Communication is the key to resolving conflicts, but it also involves listening, empathizing, and expressing yourself clearly and respectfully. You need to be able to share your thoughts and feelings without blaming, accusing, or attacking the other person. You also need to be open to hearing their side of the story and understanding their point of view. Use "I" statements to describe your experience and avoid "you" statements that can sound accusatory or defensive. For example, say "I feel frustrated when you interrupt me" instead of "You are always rude and disrespectful".
This is the most important topic for conflicts where you identify with or are personally one of the parties involved. Before you attempt to communicate your position, take a moment to articulate your understanding of the positioning of the conflict itself and the position(s) you oppose. Listen to any responses carefully, as the points raise in opposition will be the most important points to understand in working towards conflict resolution. Don't be afraid to ask follow-up questions and take notes on answers. I find that when I have a preexisting bias against an issue, I willfully ignore/forget key arguments and positions - note taking helps understand opposing positions in your own language. This process is best used iteratively.
Once you have communicated your positions and feelings, you need to find some areas of agreement or compromise. You may not agree on everything, but you can still respect each other's opinions and values. Try to identify the underlying needs and interests of both parties and look for ways to meet them. For example, if you disagree on how to complete a project, you can focus on the common goal and the quality standards, rather than the specific methods or steps.
Through the process of iterative understanding of positionality (what do you believe, what do I believe, on which points to these differ and why) you will naturally find issues where you DON'T disagree. Finding these points are just as important as understanding those which you disagree on. This allows you to build a shared framework with the party you are in conflict with towards effective conflict resolution. If you disagree on points A and B but hold common ground on points C and D, take time to communally address points C and D. How can you harness the shared values in this pair of ideals to address the other conflicting pair of ideals?
After you have found some common ground, you can brainstorm possible solutions that satisfy both parties. Be creative and flexible and avoid criticizing or rejecting any ideas at this stage. You can evaluate the pros and cons of each option later and choose the best one. Try to involve the other person in the decision-making process and make sure they feel heard and valued. For example, if you have a conflict with a coworker, you can suggest different ways to divide the tasks, coordinate the schedule, or communicate the progress.
Failure works. Propose solutions that you don't think both parties will immediately agree to. This allows both parties to engage in the interactive and iterative process of conflict resolution through pushing back on unaffective solutions. The old axiom goes, if you want a question answered on the internet, don't bother asking. Instead, publicly propose an incorrect answer and leave your inbox open. The human impulse to correct and critique from their own personal experience is often stronger than the impulse to engage constructively with nuance from the "existing literature." This doesn't just work on the internet. Expressing your ignorance and willingness to learn is one of the most powerful consensus building tools we have.
The final step is to put the agreed solution into action and monitor its results. You need to be committed and accountable to the resolution and follow through with your responsibilities. You also need to check in with the other person regularly and provide feedback and support. If the solution is not working as expected, you can revisit the issue and make adjustments as needed. For example, if you have a conflict with a family member, you can set some boundaries, expectations, and consequences, and review them periodically.
The worst thing you can do is let something fester. Just as iterative positioning is important to understanding the conflict, iterative solutions are necessary to address them. The longer you might wait to address a problem within a solution, the harder / more emotionally charged it will be to undo or edit. Express yourself fully and often!