How can you help a coachee overcome resistance or defensiveness with feedback?

As a Coach, you need to create confidence in your coachee. Don't try to make them understand the importance of feedback. Most probably, they already know it. The defense or the resistance to your feedback is because of the mindset. This mindset needs to be changed. You, as a coach should help your coachee to become more self aware in making them see and hear what they don't want to. Listening to them actively and being patient also helps in making them receptive to your feedback.

In my experience, creating psychological safety is of utmost importance. Coachees may tend to come with their guard up. Setting the space for open dialog with confidentiality and empathy with expectations of a positive outcome supports the coachee's experience as a valued member.

One way I have applied this in my exec coaching is by creating a safe and open environment. Start by emphasizing that feedback is an opportunity for growth, not criticism. Encourage active listening and empathetic understanding. By framing feedback as a tool for improvement and showing genuine care for their perspective, you can pave the way for a more receptive and productive conversation.

Establishing openness and trust in any relationship process including coaching is perhaps the only way for an effective feedback!

Coaches don’t offer feedback in the way managers or team leaders do. Coaches offer impartial, non-judgmental observations, and then they allow the client to reflect on those. Coaches are mirrors; they only reflect the facts, not interpretations of facts. Be mindful of your own internal biases when reflecting back to your client.

SBI is also succinct and objective. SBI feedback helps with removing the noise from the feedback and will remain action focused. More importantly, it builds credibility with the coachee.

I position feedback purely as information that the coachee can choose to do whatever they wish with. A non judgemental mirror to inform their self awareness. Choice is essential on their part. Personally, I don’t make suggestions. I may present options as a last resort if (1.) they’re ‘stuck’/feeling unresourceful, and importantly (2.) I am granted permission to provide options in the first place = the coachee maintains choice, and again, can choose to do whatever they wish.

Resistance and defensiveness are perfectly normal reactions seen in cognitive therapy interventions and are very well researched. They are often a sign that things are moving deeper and the client is coming closer to their ego threshold. Look not at the defensiveness itself but the thing they are defending. What personality trait or self belief are they feeling is being threatened? Dig deeper there. Don’t get stuck on the superficial.

One thing I have found helpful is to comment on what you are noticing in another. For example, "I'm noticing a resistance to my feedback. Do I have that right?" In most cases, the coachee will reveal the blocks that are in the way. Or, another great question is, "What's important for me to know right now?" This allows the client to continue self-exploration and the coach provides the space and the silence to allow it.

For some clients, their coach may be the only person to observe their growth, impact and milestones. Encouragement, praise and positive reinforcement can be a real motivator for client's who simply want to be "seen."

Acknowledgement is about paying attention. Paying attention is the highest form of praise. Acknowledging progress - or even acknowledging vulnerability - leads to positive outcomes in a coach-coachee relationship. It speaks to the fundamental desire of all humans to be seen, felt, and heard. This is core to a sense of belonging and mattering. Often, acknowledgement goes unnoticed in our increasingly frenetic and fast paced world of work.

Many higher level leaders are so focused on where they are trying to get, that they forget to pause to see where they've come from. When I remind a client how far they have come, I see them light up. No matter how senior they are, or maybe even because they are more senior, the opportunity to pause and see progress is really important. Reinforcing the successes helps to rewire the brain to see the positive more and seek it out. This is very motivating for all levels of leader.

Using praise within the coaching relationship is not advised. Praise shifts the power dynamics, making the coach appear superior to the client. Never forget; coaches are mirrors. The client needs to be able to look in the mirror and approve of what they see. You can help the client reach the point of self approval and acknowledgment of their growth, value etc by asking questions that will guide the client to reflect on their journey, milestones, achievements, facts and incidents that demonstrate that growth. Coaching is a painstaking discipline. You cannot effect deep change on another human being by telling them how good you think they are. They need to do see this for themselves.

Name emotions. It is a powerful moment during coaching when either the coach or coachee is able to identify, name or label emotions and resistance.

Emotions are gifts. We are controlled by our emotions, we decide with our emotions, we ARE our emotions. Be prepared to deal with whatever emotion comes up during the session. Identify each emotion with the client and look for the trigger underneath. As a mirror, the coach does not react to the emotions expressed by the client. They observe and reflect what they see gently and with care. Give space and time for all the emotions to be expressed, say “I can see you are getting angry”, “I can see that you are sad” and pause. Let them be with their emotion until it shifts. Then you can ask for their permission to proceed. Logical tools like GROW won’t work until the client has calmed down again.

Marc Brackett's book “permission to feel" comes to mind here and the acronym he suggests: RULER. Recognise the emotion Understand the emotion Label the emotion Express the emotion Regulate the emotion I find it extremely important that as a coach, you have been in that same work for yourself. Your well of experience and understanding of the journey has to be deeper than the coachees to be able to hold the space congruently and authentically. They will know it as they will sense your presence in the work.

Always aim to expand a client's emotional vocabulary beyond angry, sad, happy, scared. When you expand emotion words and better yet, ask them to identify where in their body do they FEEL that emotion, you are in what I call "transformation territory". When emotions come up, give them space, use silence, and provide presence. This allows the client to explore them safely. Acknowledge the anger. Acknowledge the denial. Then, consider asking. "what's important to you about this?" Or, "what else might be true?"

Ask the client if they would be open to "practice" receiving feedback. At times, the challenge is the newness of it all - sometimes familiarity with being in a position where you receive feedback in a safe environment can help if the "real" contexts do not feel as safe.

Never underestimate the power of storytelling. Ask the client to reflect on a time in their life when they received feedback that was hard to hear but turned out to be a catalyst for change? Most of us have that story. Feedback exposes our growth edges. How can we embrace those edges with openness and receptivity?

I always remind my clients a great quote from Brené Brown "If we shield ourselves from all feedback, we stop growing." Receiving constructive feedback can motivate us to change and be more effective leaders and better colleagues. We can improve through feedback by actively listening and reflecting on the criticism, clarifying any unclear points by asking questions, accepting responsibility, and focusing on solutions. Remember, criticisms don't define you but opportunities to reflect, pivot and grow.

This is where understanding their communication, learning, and speaking styles will play a big role. Do they prefer to hear things logically or emotionally? Speaking and teaching to their preferred style will lead to less resistance. Radical candor is also a great tool to practice and use as a coach. Care personally and challenge directly. When you do both they know you care about them and care about their growth.